Angel of Mine
Remember that cup I talked about refilling earlier well I received news that rocked and shattered that cup and my heart. On July seventh I received a message from mdcowboy titled “The One” prior to his message I had gotten serval overly sexual, rude, pushy and aggressive messages I had serval failed tries and interactions with men on the cage and thought you know what I am over it if this what this lifestyle is and has to offer its not for me. I was literally about to delete my account and call it a day when that message popped up. I went back and forth as to weather to open it not wanting to deal with the nonsense of “you are submissive right so send me nudes and do as your told” message I didn’t want to. However, my curiosity got me, and I opened it when I read it, I laughed, and I had never done that opening any message on this site. It was so cheesy and “dad joke” like but I loved it and it was different, so I thought what the hell what’s one more try?
We talked on the site and then moved to messaging still with my phone number he was a complete gentleman. We talked about everything from politics to flowers, childhood memories to favorite games. He never once made me feel uncomfortable or over sexualize things. We talked for eight to nine hours a day every day. He asked if I was willing to complete some task as we were serval hundred miles away from one other and the only thing, he would have to go off of was my word. I told him I was willing to try nervous as hell as to what the task would be exactly. He gave me five things. 1. To properly make my bed every morning he like my grandfather was an ex-marine so I knew what he meant by “properly” and he knew from conversation how dumb I thought making a bed was. 2. To send him a picture of my choice. 3. Say my submissive prayer when I woke and before I went to sleep. 4. Practicing kneeling at least twice a day for a max of 30 minutes. 4. A journal entry about my day not particular length. 5. Inform him when I left the house and reached my destination. He also informed me he would text me Good Morning and Goodnight every day I have never been in a relationship prior to this one so I didn’t understand as to why. He told me because he wanted me to know that I was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and the last thing on it when he went to sleep. My heart gleamed I felt like I was in paradise.
Easy enough I agreed, and I did all with no worry or hesitation every single day. Our relationship was turning into something I only thought about and yet still two weeks into talking we talked about nothing sexual I told him serval times I thought he was to good to be true haha. After about two weeks he asked for my address, my sizes all of them ring, neck, shoe, dress, so on and so forth at first, I was hesitant like for what? I did it though thinking what’s the worse that could happen I don’t live alone so if he did try anything he would be met with trouble. Three days later the pinkest of roses showed up at my doorstep and I smiled so big from ear to ear. Accompany with the roses was a note that in summary said “thank you for letting me get to see you and know you” I was shocked and just over the moon. He then sent me a series of books I wanted to read but the library didn’t have he had then and sent them to me.
About three weeks in he asked if he could come see me, as he was in Delaware and I live in South Carolina as a college student with two jobs I don’t have the luxury of just dropping everything and traveling. He who was much more established did. I told him he sure he came to one of the most historical and beautiful places in the country Charleston South Carolina. I had a countdown app on my phone, and I was so excited to see him as an introvert I am rarely ever happy to see anyone. They day finally came, and I stressed and stressed over outfits, but my time was up so in my favorite white dress, black blazer and heels I made the drive to Charleston. When I first saw him, my heart dropped I have always been a lover of men built like teddy bears that’s the best way I can explain it. He approached me and asked if it was still okay for him to give me a hug. As we talked before and being touched by anyone for any reason causes my body to run cold. I nodded and he pulled me into his embrace. The anxiety that is usually waiting at the surface to erupt wasn’t there it was no where to be found which was nice. We headed to the hotel going over the itinerary I had made of the places we would go to see and even places we would eat. When we arrived at the hotel, I went up with him and there two beds to no surprise he told me over the phone days before that he booked a two bedroom hotel just in case I decided I wanted to stay. I was about to protest and he asked that I at least stay open to it and make my decision at the end of the day I left my suitcase in my trunk and we went on the adventure that is Charleston.
We saw art museums, statues, markets, churches, and plantations. It was lovely after the first day I decided to stay. I shocked myself because sleeping in a hotel room with a man I have barely known for a month yeah, I was losing it maybe I take medicine that once I take I’m out for the next couple of hours no questions asked. But I had a certain kind of peace about it, so I did it. I woke up untouched and peaceful, he was already up and dressed on the phone with his child. I got ready and we headed out for day two. I always wanted to see the pineapple foundation at night but I often times travel alone and thought of going anyway at night caused my body to run cold. So, we went and we sat and we talked I had never kissed anyone before or even had the desire to because of childhood trauma but I wanted to kiss him. However, my body and brain got into a lovely battle. He had a rule it was a 60/40 rule he would go 60 percent of the way but I would have to go the 40 he tried once seeing the body I was going through and when I did motion toward him he leaned back. We sat there in silence for what felt like years I forced myself to make eye contact with him and leaned in I didn’t go the full 40 but he could see I was struggling and meet me where I was. The kiss was amazing it was truly like something out of a book. The light of the foundation the cool breeze from the ocean it was amazing not to mention the spark that went downstairs that never happen I felt alive for the first time in a long time. my favorite part is it ended there we went back to the hotel I showered he showered, and we went to bed he expected nothing else and he asked for nothing else.
The next day I dropped him off at the airport sadly and we parted ways. We got an Airbnb to meet on the 25th of September in New York so I could see the falls which is something I had never done even though I lived in NYC most my life its one of the last landmarks me and my grandfather were suppose to do but he died from cancer march of this year. It was also where He was going to introduce me to his child. He and I were both nervous about that as there is a 25 year ago gap between us but it had to happen. On September 8th he sent me 24 rose different shade of pink equality beautiful to mark 2 months of us talking. One September 10th he had heart surgery he didn’t need but they said would “prolong his life” all went well with the surgery and he was fine after days of worrying he made it out of the woods and we began planning our trip to the falls. Today September 17, 2020 I sent him my morning text with a file attached like usual we both are early rises and he normally text me around 8-10 when 1pm rolled around I just assumed he was busy or with his mom because he always texted be good morning. At 4:30 pm I got a text from his best friend that he had passed in his sleep from a heart attack. I was driving and nearly crashed. I read the text almost 20 times because I just couldn’t understand. My heart shattered and I felt pain that I have never felt in my life which says a lot I have been through more trauma in life than anyone should ever go through and I am 23 years old. But the pain I feel cant be expressed. I talked to him last night we said goodnight together before we went to bed so the thought of him being gone still isn’t real to me. the thought of never hearing his voice his laugh. I think what hurts the most are all the things we planned to do that won’t happen now, the historical house we looked to buy in Texas, the collar you had made by a jewelry that once finished you said was beautiful I’ll never get to see, the kids we talked about having lol at eight you loved that joke haha the places we planned to see none of that will happen now and I think that is what hurts the most. I didn’t get to tell you because I thought we had more time. So I’ll say it here thank you for being patient with me, thank you for being kind, thank you for never pushing me further than I was willing to go, thank you for noticing the little things, thank you for giving me someone to trust, thank you for staying even when my depression was so bad and we barely knew each other, thank you for the late night conversations, thank you wisdom thank you for the love. You showed me not everyone is bad and its okay to trust people. One of my biggest fears was getting attached to you only for you to break my heart you promised you would never do that and I believed you I let my walls down and I let you in and I don’t regret it. I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone the way I trusted you or if ill even try this dating thing again but I know I am forever grateful to have met a man of such integrity and I wouldn’t change it for anything you are truly one of a kind. Thank you for everything. Rest easy Angel of Mine.
Your Precious Dove.
