Highway to hell

For some time now I’ve embarked on this journey of self loving and also dealing with depression. I got a physiologist and started discussing my issues. During this time I refrained from relationships and was only with my friends. I took this time to think of what was good and bad about myself. 
I started first with that plagued me for years. My looks. For years I had people just telling me “you are so hot and I want to be with you” and I enjoyed that attention but after a while I started noticing they only really cared about my looks and not about me as a person which caused me in a way to feel quite insecure. Even when constantly hearing how attractive I am i wouldn’t believe it since I found myself to be normal. After all, I look at myself every day and you get used to what you see everyday and I took my looks for granted. They were just there and it wasn’t a big deal. I would only look at the bad, how I wished my lips were thicker, my breasts bigger, my waist smaller and my hips wider. During this time someone told me “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” which I didn’t understand at the time since I was only 17 then. But it got me thinking and every day I’d look in the mirror at what people saw in me. By doing this I started seeing everything that was good and I must say that all the “bad” I saw is now perfect. I love my small lips, my regular sized breasts, my waist that keeps getting bigger because of all the desserts I eat and also makes my hips wider. I now spend hours and hours just staring at myself on the mirror and I love what I see 🥰🥰 yes, I could afford going to the gym and getting more toned but I hate the gym with a passion so I tell myself to stop bitching about it. I’ve found that if there’s something you don’t like but won’t change at all then you should embrace it and love it because a part of you actually enjoys it deep inside. 
the next thing I worked on was my attitude towards myself and life. Having depression for so many years wasn’t good for my school and work life. I would tell myself bad grades were fine and to not sweat it out but it’s not good. I should strive for better. I should strive for A’s and not a “C’s get degrees”. I want to push myself for more because I know I can do it and I’m smart enough to get A’s. I’ve started to get better grades and focus more on my life and what I want from it. I try not to over analyze and take life a step at a time. I refuse to think of where I’m going to be in 2 years but where I’m going to be now, in the moment. Because life happens and things can change and I have no clue what will even happen in the next 5 hours. I’ve also changed my attitude on how I felt when people called my hobbies stupid. As an introvert I love being home and home is very much my happy place. I love spending hours just reading on my phone or grabbing a book off my bookshelves. Or just spend the whole day playing video games with my friends while we talk through discord. I also just love to take naps in the middle of the day with my cat. I’m doing what I love and being home doesn’t depress me as it does most people. I honestly despise being out because it’s too bright and sunny and hot, really hot. If the weather was more gloomy as if it was going to rain and I could smell the rain in the air then I’d love to go out in the balcony and smell the rain. There’s nothing like the smell of rain in the air or taking a nap during a thunderstorm 🥰. Although I am an introvert I can be an extrovert and I love to go to the club from time to time and dance and laugh. But I do find my preferences to be in quiet and peaceful places. 
I feel I still have a lot more to work on to be the person that I want to be but I know I’m going in the right path as it is. And I recently learned of an area I was lacking in. Because of my love towards... well love, I can sometimes get very lost in the words my partner says and won’t always realize they are slipping away. My desire to hunt can sometimes also get in the middle and it takes a while to realize that the closer I get to my prey the farther they slip from me. In a way acting like this is a way of not loving myself as I’m not considering I deserve better. I deserve someone who keeps their words, someone that runs from me but comes back so I can play for a while until I want to hunt them again and satisfy my more primal urges. 
So for anyone reading this, love yourself because of you don’t no one will. You need to respect and love yourself in order to have someone genuinely love and respect you. And if you are in a relationship where your partner keeps running and making excuses... leave. They don’t care and there’s plenty of other people out there who will value you for who you are and will be more than happy to provide the happiness you deserve.