I sometimes like to go back and read messages I’ve sent to people. Some are fine and some... I want to stab myself. Recently I’ve been thinking of not even posting things on social media because let me tell you.... my emo stage was cringe as all hell and heaven. Bunch of really emotional pictures talking about how fleeting life is. Truly embarrassing. But what is worse is reading things from two damn years ago. Oh god shoot me please. I was reading messages I sent to my crush and Jesus Christ did I sound dumb as fuck. Crushing and chasing after someone who kept bailing on me. Every time we’d talk he was attentive and nice and so damn interested. There was so much flirting involved. But every time we would make plans to meet he’d bail on the excuse he was shy and that I was too pretty. Seeing the messages... I still can’t quite understand what went wrong but that is life. It is what it is and it’s in the past. After my failed attempt at a relationship and life with him I stopped dating and worked on myself. I got myself the psychologist I asked for many many years for my parents to take me to. I feel I’ve come a long way since my younger and rash self yet there’s things that don’t change and that is my desire to chase. That’s something that has never changed even when the other person starts giving me the cold shoulder because I can’t help but concentrate on the moments when he’s flirting and everything is ok. I get tunnel vision very easily and a strong desire to succeed in obtaining the person I want which can be problematic. Being determined and confident can be good but more often than not will scare the other person away. The only good thing is that unlike my younger years I don’t cry myself to sleep for days, weeks and even months after the chase is over and it failed. I truly don’t miss those days of uncertainty and crying and wondering what went wrong and blaming myself for it. Yes, I blame myself for some of the things but not everything. A relationship is made of two people or more(if you are poly) and if only one side is making the effort then there’s no point. I do blame myself for my single minded focus of shouldering the relationship instead of walking away for something only I am making an effort on. That is a lesson I have been trying to learn for many many years. How to walk away when only I am trying. Instead what I’ve learned is how not to cry and lose sleep over it. I’ve learned to show no emotions or suppress them deep inside and slowly killing my true personality. Because why would I go back to being that girl that had a big heart and allowed everyone in and then get hurt? Never again. Now I only read messages I’ve sent in the past and I shake my head over who I used to be and pray that each day I grow better and stronger. Every day I pray for more of my foolish side to disappear and every day I pray to me more selfish than the last because if I’m not selfish towards myself who will help me? Now I’m just going to go to my Facebook and scroll down to the day I made it and shake my head about the stupidity of youth...
