I love challenges so thank you for the challenge Morley 🤗
I believe I have mentioned in other blogs about my depression. There isn’t a specific reason as to why I’m depressed as I think I’ve been blessed with a decent life but I have noticed that depression can impact even people with lives that we think are perfect. I have struggled for years with suicidal thoughts, insecurity and just feeling like I’m not worth anything. There’s times that it gets really bad and that negative voice comes back to say “you are worth nothing” “ no one would miss you if you were gone” “no one cares about you”. For many years this voice plagued me but I decided to seek the help I needed. I got myself a psychologist and for about 2 years I worked on myself and my mental state and even too medication to help me. I have gotten a lot better than I was in the past. I don’t dwell anymore on that day where I was going to end it all, when my reasons as to why suicide is bad weren’t helping me. I don’t dwell on how close I got to ending it all and I sure as hell don’t dwell on how free I felt when I thought of it. I’m only grateful that part of me still wanted help and I reached out my best friend who walked me back from the edge and remained with me throughout that time. Through therapy I started getting better at dealing with my depression and frankly it doesn’t affect my life too much anymore. I try every day to get rid of my procrastination and slowly concentrating on doing better at school. Depression can cause procrastination and since I didn’t have much of a desire to be alive I never did too well in school. I have been in college for my associate since fall of 2014 because of all the classes I failed since I do not care. I now deal with the consequences of my actions and I’m slowly working on finishing my degree without overwhelming myself with too much work and school. I do not know how long it will take me to finish school since I take very few classes every semester fit gear of spiraling into a deep depression. I do not dwell anymore on the thoughts of “you are a failure for taking so damn long finishing a degree that only takes two years”. I only keep moving forward taking my time and working at my own pace. I don’t let my negativity affect me anymore or let anyone’s opinion affect me. I’m also working on not thinking too far into the future and taking life one day at a time.
I won’t say my depression is fully gone as I don’t think depression is something you ever get rid of. You just learn to live with it. You learn to smile brighter than anyone else. You learn to laugh harder than everyone else. You learn to be the sun shinning brightly like there’s no tomorrow. You learn to cope with it and take life one step at a time. And what is what I do, take life one step at a time. Go through my coping mechanisms and when it gets too bad I know to reach out and seek help.
I gotta say that I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for a long time now. I don’t think life is so damn meaningless anymore. I’ve found a meaning for it and I realize not everyone has the same meaning to life. My meaning is doing my hobbies, reading, gaming, napping. Spending hour on YouTube watching funny videos or videos of people creating beautiful things. Streaming the games I play and interacting with my viewers. Playing rough with my cat and watching her as she sleeps. That is my meaning. A meaning that took me so damn long to find but has made all the difference in the world when it comes to my depression.
I’m slowly walking new miles. Miles that are bringing me peace, joy and calm. And every day I learn something new about myself and the world around me. I don’t think I’ll ever reach an end goal as I will never let myself have an end goal. I’ll always make a new goal when one is reached and I’ll keep walking and walking until the day my life is naturally over and not taken by my own hand.
