“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.
I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.“
Anaïs Nin
This woman has written so many insightful words and I have read lots of them. I think the above passage has always been closest to how I feel about my place in this lifestyle.
As part of my re-evaluating and reflecting I feel I needed to have these words pinned to my ‘do not forget’ board as a point of reference.
I am committed to this, how ever long it takes me.
I fear that I am stuck on a level of a game, working to survive it and kill all the beasts, out run all the dangers and dodge the painful wounds so that I can move to the next level. Excruciatingly I get so far and something comes along and kills me, I miss the jump or I run out of ‘health’. It’s like Groundhog Day, until just once you take a different route and hey presto! You get a tiny bit further. Sometimes you make the same damn error and you swear and shout at the world while you wait for the level to reload and start over.
You have to put in the work, You have to keep walking until you work it out and all the essential parts slot together. Cheat codes and walkthroughs may get you to the end, but if you don’t make all the mistakes that are meant for you, how will you ever learn to be proud of your progress?
I wonder if Ingenue has any doughnuts left, I’m feeling late night peckish!
Maybe I’ll go for tea and crumpets.
