More and more I’ve been seeing subs write or post about wanting to find a “true” or “proper” Dominant. What does that really mean? There is no “true” or “proper” anything. It’s all subjective and dependent upon your particular tastes, needs, and desires. When I see posts or messages with this sort of language, I just bypass it.
I get that there are posers out there. Loudmouth fuckboi's that jumped on the 50 Shades bandwagon looking for a quick hookup or a kinky sex. Just as there were many that rode that train in with a deep seated desire to learn and embrace a particular role. Well, for me D/s is so much more than just sex. It’s about connection. It’s about that dynamic that exists between two people intrinsically linked by both need and desire. A while back I was having discussions with a potential. She said I wasn't like the other Dom's she knew. I questioned her and her response was that because I wasn't an asshole, I wasn't a true Dom. I just laughed. I didn't respond. I didn't feel it warranted a response. I never feel the need to impose or force my will upon anyone. I think it's telling when you have to try too hard to Dominate. I'm not saying it should be easy, but I can put a hundred subs on their knees, but I know when the fit is there. I know when the dynamic is there. I don't have to be an asshole, or go outside of who I am. Does that make me any less “true?”
If I am less than a “true” Dom to some, then perhaps they really need to take a hard look at what they are looking for. If I say I am a Mental Dom, and the potential sub is geared more towards rope play and physical aspects, that’s not a good fit. It doesn’t mean either one of us are any less than what we claim, it just means we have different needs. That’s human nature. There are no cookie cutter molds that just spit out Doms and subs by the dozens. We are what we are, and we want what we want. Most of the times those things we want are vastly different. That's the beauty of D/s. We can indulge ourselves and find that one person that completes us when all Vanilla avenues have failed us.
As a Mental Dom, I’m far more geared towards the aspects of the journey. I want to learn my sub, and I want to figure out what makes her tick. Expose her buttons and explore those deep dark recesses of her mind where all her dirty secrets linger. I come from the school where you control the mind, to gain control of the body. That takes time, because I don’t build towards a singular encounter. I meticulously lay the framework for the future. I want to make her anticipate our meets. I want her to think about it over and over in her head. Replay those visuals while she’s standing in line at the grocery store or making rounds at work. I want those thoughts to consume her, so that when she does find herself before me on her knees it’s surreal, and she just succumbs to the raw emotion of finally being had.
That’s not to say the same results can’t be had through physical means, it’s just another method. A method that works better for some Doms, and works better on some subs. They aren’t any less “true” or “proper,” and granted, those with experience in the lifestyle already know much of this. A lot of my issue comes from the sense of entitlement we find in our society these days. It has managed to worm its way into the ideals of some and it’s becoming more and more prevalent. Perhaps it’s always been there, and perhaps I’m just now noticing it. What I do know is that D/s is so much deeper than simple tags or names. You can be one thing or can be many. I can give in to my sadistic tendencies, or be a nurturing Daddy, but one thing I most assuredly am is Dominant. Proper or not.
