The Long and Winding Road

As I recover from my sudden and overwhelming bout with severe heat stroke ..yes I am an idiot for letting it get to that point around summer solstice...I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.....and reading. Mostly about how I came to be here and what I am looking for. Now at my age you’d think I would be a bit more “experienced” ....sad fact is vanilla never did much to get my motor going so I didn’t bother. I’ve never even had a relationship, unless you count an inconsistent purely sexual one for 2 years. After what appeared to be something too good to be true which ended in an abrupt ‘I don’t move backwards only forwards‘ answer to me wanting to discuss what happened, being blocked for apparent insubordination asking for insight......I cannot go to anyone as the blank slate I am....they sound great in theory, but after having what I want to explore summarily ignored not once but twice..... it’s time for me to go forth and write my yes, hell no, ooh maybes. I need the structure, hell I know I crave the discipline.....it’s just I need to find me again before I can find HIM. I lost myself, I lost my passion for life, I lost my dreams......I gave up on them, I let them be sucked away by people I thought actually cared for me. Only to discover it wasn’t me, it was what I could do for them that they cared about. I wish I wish I can wish all I want.....What I need to do is actually face what scares me, find my way out of my bubble, to just LIVE instead of existing, experience instead of going through the motions......to let myself feel.......finding my voice after being silent for so long....... I am grateful to have found this community, even if I am silent.....I still see the words that resonate within.......