Embracing my chaotic thoughts and asking for opinions…..

It’s been a very long, very hot, very frustrating week. SO In an effort to find the happy Im going to post some of my favorite self-care things.  Day 1….

 A year ago many of the ideas and fallacies I had clung to for most of my adult life were shattered.  This was life altering for me because I had built up things in my head that weren’t real, many of us do this and for me it led me to believe something was more than it truly was.  Thank the heavens that I have good friends who helped me deal with it and emerge stronger.  But changing the way I saw things opened other sides of me.....

Less than six months ago if you had told me I would be who I am today I would have laughed.  The way I view me has changed, the way the world views me doesn’t matter so much anymore.  The only thing that matters is the transformation taking place inside.

Last week I had a discussion with a woman whose physical control literally astounds me.  If I can learn to do even half of the things she can teach me I will be thrilled.  After class we had a discussion in which she told me how much *I* inspire her.  My response was me?  I’m just a middle aged woman seeking out who she is and desires to be...while you are a positive, empowering, powerful female.  Her response was that I am courageous and strong to want to flip the script at this point in my life.  I needed  her perspective—-it helped change the way I see me, and it helped me to realize what I see when I look in the mirror with a critical eye is NOT what others see when they look at me.  

I am so very blessed to start another year in this crazy ride we call life.  I am about to start one of the craziest years I will ever have as the changes I’ve been patiently waiting to make grow near.  I am surrounded by family and friends who love me no matter who I emerge from this journey as.  I am empowered by women far stronger than I can ever be.  I am inspired by women who have so much to teach me about this world I hope to live in and are willing to help my little bit stumble.  Mostly I am excited....excited to see what experiences and things can change the way I see myself and make me stronger.  

Today I hope you will stop in this crazy busy world and look at yourself from someone else’s perspective and be surprised by what you learn about you.

2021 is supposed to be the year of me.  Strengthening who I am, becoming who I want to be, living out loud and loving it.  For the most part I can do this.  I can face each day with optimism and hope BUT things are different in the dark of the night.

When the lights go out and the world quiets....

I wonder if I am truly searching for that unicorn.

I wonder if Doms/Daddys have any idea what they do to a hungry heart.

I wonder if I will ever be everything.

I wonder why being a responsible adult often means dealing with shit instead of shutting down.  

I wonder if sleep will ever come....

It’s winter in my part of the world and with that comes the bleakness of cold, lonely days.  I’ve seen many posts lately about this.  Let me say one thing here and now....You are never alone!!  Reach out, make friends, listen to the silly voice in you instead of the serious one.

 I have/had been in a bleak world for a long time and in 2021 I decided to live in color.  I’m making choices to change, to grow, to become.  I know I am blessed beyond measure with very dear friends and family who are helping me find my colors....warning I might be neon 😉. If you feel like you are in the dark then remember only you can change things, only you can figure out what you need, and most importantly take baby steps!!  You don’t need to take dramatic leaps just one foot in front of the other.  Let’s traverse the road to happiness

A world that has been dark for so long....

A decision made.  A decision to live again, a decision to find me, a decision to explore.  

Joy starts to seep in.  The dark places are flooded with light, and friendship, and so much happiness.

Friendships worth more than gold.  New experiences that light a spark.  Small acts that literally light me up from the inside.

A whole new world open for me and a girl, who has been long lost, so hungry for this

Life is messy.  We live, we love, we learn, we move forward.  Unfortunately there are also mistakes, speed bumps, regrets, and demons.

Why do the demons sneak up on us?  Today is a demon day.  Reliving my mistakes, feeling the pain anew, wishing that all wounds healed.  20 years and still a gaping raw wound.  Thank Goodness it’s not always exposed.  

For those of you fighting those Demons today, I send you love and light.  For those who get in the trenches beside us as we fight, bless you!  May your day be filled with love, light, and maybe a little kink 😉