I remember when I first started out, I had tons of questions as well. That is part of why I love to answer others. I've been there. I know what it's like struggling for answers. Trying to find the right answers.
Let me start by saying, there are no wrong answer.... in theory.
Of course someone is going to be out to prove anything you say wrong. But for the most part, you do you boo.
I received an email today from a fellow dominant asking about, "how am I able to be a good complete owner when your family is very against BDSM"?
By family, they meant siblings and parents.
Here is my reply:
"Okay, so here's the scoop.
I will tell you this, I have friends who are very private around "vanilla's" that are in their lives, and I have friends that are completely open and honest with everyone in their life about who they are and what they are into.
I happen to be out to everyone except my father. And if he found out I wouldn't care. Even my kids have known their whole lives about my lifestyle and what I do. I just keep details from them. But they know about the lifestyle and the dynamics I have with my partners.
Side note:
(My kids even knew the difference between bisexuals and gays well enough to explain it to class mates at school when they were ten years old, because I am bisexual. To which, I received a phone call from the principle one day, thanking me for making sure my kids were informed enough that they were able to explain it to other students. But I will save that for another post)
But it is a choice you have to make for yourself. What does it mean to you? How much do you want others to know? And how much do you want to keep to yourself?
It comes down to what you are comfortable telling anyone. If you know they do not approve of your lifestyle, you do not need to talk to them about it. You do not need to do anything in front of them. If you have a partner that you want to bring around the "vanillas" in your life, the best thing to do is set up different protocols for when you are around "vanilla people" in your life.
Examples: Instead of your sub calling you "Sir" in front of them, try a pet name like "Hun", or "Babe", or anything you think would be a good fit. She can still respond to you correctly.... "yes, Hun" ... "right away, Hun" .... "what ever you want, Hun".... But it doesn't have to be obvious to others what is going on. To vanilla's it will like like she is a doting girlfriend.
* I like to call mine, "sweets" or "cookie". But like I said, I'm out to everyone in my life, so my submissives always call me Goddess regardless of who's around. It's only when we go around their vanilla families we have to act semi vanilla. When we are I allow them to call me by my name.
Also, you can have her dress appropriately in front of them, have her sit next to you instead of on the floor.
Make sure to have these conversations with your submissives ahead of time. Don't drop it on them last minute. Give them time to practice different protocols out in public. Take them out to dinner and require them to use those protocols so they can get use to them. That way when you are around your family or "vanillas", things will come natural for the both of you. You can still have a complete D/s relationship and interact with "vanillas" without them knowing it.
Best of Luck to you,
AK~"
What I forgot to mention was collars, so they sent me another email asking about just that.
Collars are what you make them to be. It can be a piece of string tied around your wrist, or a piece of jewelry. But most designers and stores are making them today because it's become a fashion fade for vanillas to wear them. But there are also some wonderful BDSM and community people who make some wonderful things, including collars.
My favorite designer, and close friend of mine is Twisted Baby Girl. Feel free to check out her shop. She is an amazing person and just had her house burned down a couple of weeks ago due to a brush fire. And she lost everything. She is in the process of rebuilding but could use all the love you could give. If you send her an email, she can custom make something for you, it just might take awhile. Most of her collars come with matching earrings and key, and they are made by hand.
https://www.alittletwisted.shop/
Thank you all for the love and support you give each other here. It's truly amazing to see!
