Waiting has uses. Good uses. There's a reason the behavior exists despite it coming from experience and not instinct.
As an adult we can easily see where waiting works. Waiting in line for a food order makes sure we can make our own order without having to shout over 7 other people also trying to order at the same time. Waiting at a stop light means we can drive through with the expectation of safety and no cross traffic. Waiting to eat our food lets us actually taste it with our tastebuds, instead of briefly imitating a monkey as we juggle the burning food in our mouths. I often imitate the monkey.
Waiting has another, more difficult to perceive, usefulness. Waiting on something we want allows us to test that want, to apply the grindstone of time to it and see if that want shines under the polishing, or if it slips away the same as a piece of chalk would on that grindstone. My mother raised me to wait 24 hours before purchasing things that I saw and wanted. It works, solid advice I can give to anyone. If it's something that will still be there tomorrow, wait until tomorrow. Many items I thought I really wanted ended up just as an exciting thing to find and see, but not something worth keeping or spending money for. Things that seemed important and grabbed my attention that faded away the next day told me those things were only shiny for the brief moment. While sometimes that's enough, for something like a relation ship, it falls far short of a good set of standards.
I do detest waiting. More so when it feels the waiting is enforced upon me by others. It's the same frustration I imagine a dog or cat has when trying to jump onto a chair, couch, or lap, while not quite making it and sliding back down only to try for the nth time. It feels similar to walking behind someone taking up the whole walkway while waddling around on their phone wagging their lips and not paying attention to their surroundings. Just imagining those situations slightly ruffles my feathers. Still, Waiting can and often does have a Purpose.
So when She made me wait, for the nth time, I felt frustrated. I wanted to move forward. To explore boldly where we had never before! Alas, much like the dog and cat from my earlier example, my foray failed and I slid back to where I was. It's not the first time. It certainly won't be the last time. Sometimes it feels very frustrating and exasperating, feeling like I'm trying to pull forward a bike while the rider holds the brakes down. Sometimes I don't understand why they would hold those brakes down, or why they wouldn't pedal and work together to move forward. Sometimes it feels like they don't want to move forward, and this feeling confuses me greatly as it conflicts with their words and the other feelings they give me that they DO want to move forward. It's very confusing to feel two opposite things at the same time, in addition to feeling exasperated that the wind won't blow to move my sailboat along while I sit there and try to paddle in the perfectly calm ocean with naught but my hands.
Waiting is HARD. Often times I will opt out of something if it requires waiting. A 10% discount on a small purchase, but I have to wait 5 minutes while I fill out a survey? No thank you. A shorter route that could save 5 minutes on the drive, but I have to sit and wait at 6 stoplights on the way? No thank you.
Waiting has a tolerance limit, and when you approach and cross that tolerance limit, you find out more about yourself than you do about what you were waiting for. When you reach that tolerance limit, it's easy to get upset. It's easy to get angry, frustrated, or to blame the thing you are waiting for. It's easy to throw in the towel and move on, fed up with the difficulty and frustration of waiting. That feeling of having waited so much or so long for naught and the lack of belief that further waiting would be worth it or change things.
Still, When reaching this point, it tells you things. I reached this point recently, where I was frustrated, felt stuck, even like I was going backwards. Taking a step forward only to slide three steps backwards. To keep going felt daunting, heavy, and uncertain. I found myself questioning why I was doing this. Why was I waiting for so long? Why was I putting in so much effort for something that felt stuck? I felt like I was putting in all my effort, and it was going nowhere.
And I wondered, what if I just.. stopped? What if I stopped trying so hard? What if I let go of the rope and let it slip out of my hands? I felt my resolve and desire shrinking, the wind chiseling away at it and sending dust bit by bit into the realm of letting go. It scared me a little, yet I looked at everything with honesty and self awareness. What was really happening here, how did I really feel, and what did I really want?
It would be here at this point that I would come to a realization. Sure, that rock of desire and intention looked smaller, and I definitely felt bits of what it was slip away in the wind, but what was left was stronger, denser, like a jewel that went through a polishing. A calmness came over me with that realization. I wasn't afraid of waiting, I was afraid of not being there. I wasn't mad about waiting, I was scared that I would doubt myself and self sabotage. With that calmness and understanding grew a firmer belief in myself, in what I wanted, what I needed. I want her. I want her for her mind, for her kindness, for her presence, for her touch, for her care and love. I want HER, as a whole, everything. And with this understanding, I found again the strength to stand and face the abyss of waiting, to continue walking forward into the sandstorm one step at a time until I find that oasis that I seek.
Waiting will test your resolve, it will show you your less visible thoughts and feelings. Waiting does have a purpose. In this instance, waiting reinforced my desires, and my decision. I don't know how much more waiting there will be. What I do know is that I have the desire and resolve for moving my feet one at a time ahead of me.
-End of Waiting.. with a Purpose. Part 2 of 2.