Today I cried.
A blurred vision, face twisted, sobbing cry.
It's my own fault really. I didn't keep enough distance emotionally to handle my current relationship status: A friend.
More than two years ago I met someone I found interesting, exciting, beautiful and sexy both physically and mentally. We started hanging out and chatting.
More than two years ago, I realized my interest in exploring a relationship on a more intimate level. We'd already discussed some related topics, and gone over our screening process for dating prospects. We agreed that things should be explicitly stated to ensure no confusion.
Months later, I'd given myself time to analyze and understand my interest with you. Was I lonely, and excited to find someone to fill that loneliness? Was I horny, and thinking this was feeling was relationship interest? Was I wanting a relationship so much I was convincing myself that I wanted one with you and glossing over any incompatibility?
About a year and a half ago, I felt assured that my interest in you was genuine, as a whole. About a year and a half ago, I told you directly I would like to explore a deeper relationship than friends with you. About a year and a half ago, we set a date a year out to revisit the conversation and see if things were still that way.
About 8 months ago, my feelings had only continued to grow. We continued to hang out and spend time together. About 8 months ago, I felt I was going to burst if I didn't say something. To profess my feelings for you in a big romantic gesture. This was still before that agreed upon year out day. Forcing my feelings onto you felt disrespectful and selfish. So, I found another outlet.
About 8 months ago, I wrote a love letter by hand. I wrote everything I loved about you that I could think of in the moment. Giving those feelings a space to exist outside of myself gave a sense of relief. I no longer felt like I was denying myself, and I wasn't forcing my emotions upon you either. I haven't told you about that letter, though I did see it recently.
About 6 months ago, I caught myself while on a phone call with you. Instead of saying goodbye and goodnight, the words "I love you, good night." Almost slipped out. This one sided emotion was inappropriate, and I felt embarrassed it almost came out, and glad I hadn't said it.
About 5 months ago, the agreed upon one year day came, and went. I waited with much anticipation for a few days, though at the same time telling myself it wasn't the time. You were dealing with some emotionally heavy things already, and pestering you about starting a relationship or exploring it would have been wrong on so many levels. So I waited.
About 5 months ago, the topic of that one year day and going further did come up. We talked, and with respect to the stress you were dealing with, we agreed it wasn't the right time.
About 3 months ago, that topic came up again, as the situation you were dealing with was no longer as urgent or threatening as it had been. We discussed again, and it was now myself having extremely stressful situations to deal with. I was worried my stress would hurt you, and I told you I needed some space to handle my matters. I was trying to seperate my problems from you, so as not to cause unnecessary harm. I regret the results of this still, as it lead to more delay in that idea of exploring a relationship.
About three months ago, in the midst of my life turmoil, I decided I didn't want to let fear and what ifs control my life, in particular my relationship with you. There will always be struggles and stresses to deal with, and if every one of those pushes things back, I'll never reach that next step. About three months ago, I expressed this. You were firm in your stance that we should wait until I had solved my current dilemmas, and I reluctantly agreed as the logic was sound.
This week, I solved those dilemmas. The topic came up again about moving forward... which would again be delayed. More significant events were on the horizon for you, and you didn't want to add this to them, or worse, make that decision in a mentally distraught state. It makes sense. It makes sense. It really does make logical sense. It still hurts.
Last night, we had a discussion.
This morning, I sobbed my way to work.
Which I have to head in to now. End of part 1.