Hollow. I spent today feeling hollow. I enjoyed my work, as I usually do, but it only went surface depth. I was distracted.
Work hosted a holiday party, with free food, games, and giveaways. I spent a good two hours playing a competitive team game with my coworkers. It was a blast! When it was my turn to sit one out, I went up to the scorebox and got my hands on the mic to dish out some sparky commentary. Filled up on free food, as I always will, and enjoyed a nice gift. Shared some stories, loaded up on leftovers, and went home.
The hollow feeling was waiting for me at the door. The pain of the morning emotional turmoil burned itself out, leaving a large empty space that just ached mildly.
In our conversation last night, you said what you needed now was a friend. Your needs are valid. Your actions and choices for how you want to live your life are up to you. I'm not mad at you for taking care of yourself. Self care will always remain a priority.
I care about you, deeply. More so than I've told you, as part of me worries that showing the full affection I have for you will scare you away with our current status as friends with flirty and dirty minds. I care about you, and what you need now is a friend, not a new relationship with more emotional confusion to figure out as most new relationships tend to have.
So I'll process my turmoil, and I'll focus on the things I can do. I can be there for you, as a good friend. I can listen to you, laugh with you, and care about your wellbeing all while staying in my lane. Or I will, once I take the time I need to work through my emotions.
You have hard times potentially ahead of you, and it helps to have someone to turn to for support and to step away from the chaos of life. So I'll do my best and be there to support you, with the hopes that you make it through with minimal difficulty or even the hard possibilities not coming to pass.
For myself... my feelings won't go away. They'll still be there, waiting. I believe that hard times will end, and we will both have the freedom to try new things together. It still will ache, and some days I'll have wishful thinking.
Who knows, maybe someday things will move forward. Until then, my focus is on the path ahead, face up, feet forward, towards that Star and straight on until morning.
End Part 2.
