I've been emotionally turbulent these past few weeks, and I knew the source of it. What I didn't know was why? Why did this shake me so? Why was I feeling out of breath, exhausted, dull and deflated? Why did I feel directionless, listless?
Introspection has always been one of my traits. There's nothing more interesting to me than understanding myself, why I do the things I do. So when I find something new, I spend most of my spare time tinkering away in the back of my head in attempts to further understand myself. I'll admit the process proceeds far slower while under significant duress, though I've had a few weeks now to process those emotions and I think I'm coming out the other side of that mess. So I sought to understand why I had been caught so off guard.
Comparison really is the root of all evil. I think, without someone to compare to, I would have been frustrated at most. Maybe even a little upset. Certainly not as distraught as I was. Alas, there was precedent. A recent one. Poly relationships can always get messy as the number of persons included in the relationship increases significantly compared to a one on one. Having that other person walk the same path I believed I was on felt almost like a guideline to follow, and I took it as such. Sure, he started several months ahead of me. Yet I was told the process was the same, and so I looked forward to those milestones.
Watching his back as he reached those checkpoints and continued on was both frustrating and inspiring. The frustration was the bundle of feelings I felt from starting late and of jealousy, watching someone else develop the relationship I wanted to have with her. It was bearable though, as she told me that I was also very special to her, that she normally wouldn't have considered poly but for me she would. These words were sweet like honey and I adored them. During the waiting period we agreed on I would occasionally feel a need for reassurance that yes, she was still interested in me. And I would get that reassurance. Still, watching him spend time with her, have her stay over, explore with her and receive all of her attentions.. I was jealous. And I told myself, that I too could reach that point one day, as long as we both continued to agree on pursuing a relationship together. So I told myself it was part of the journey. I pushed the jealousy I was feeling, over something I had no right to, to the back of my mind.
The goalposts kept moving, and I kept chasing them. Reaching where I thought they were, only to learn that they were actually further ahead. Feeling those emotions build up, the excitement rising, only to have that bubble popped and another uphill path appear ahead. The first time was rough. The second time was brutal. The third time.. I cried.
I often joke I'm like the energizer bunny. When I have a goal in mind I can keep marching towards it relentlessly. I still believe I can, though I've learned that my feet can ache, my legs can throb, my back can be sore, my head can be heavy, and my heart weary. I've had some comments on my earlier posts that told me I should cut my losses, and maybe they'll think me a fool, but I'm not ready to do that yet.
I have a goal, I have hope, I have the will to continue. Once I commit to someone, it's very hard to turn away.
Maybe that makes me a fool. I don't think I mind that too much.
