The ramblings that I wrote

Yesterday I did take a day off of the blog to do some exploring and wandering around the woods.

It's nice to reconnect with nature and just disconnect for a little while. I ended up feeding trout (wish it was fishing) taking a hike and just relaxing by the fire there's a lot of growth and development that can be made going back to your roots for a little bit.

If it's been a while since you e just gone outside and looked at the stars this is your sign break your rotation do something new bring some wonder back into your life don't just wait for it to show up or you'll grow old and bitter.

It's interesting I was dreading this entire trip from fear but now ya a lot went wrong but now what right when everything goes wrong sometimes you have the best memories and lessons.

I'm short take a risk change up your routine and find a part of yourself you've put up on the shelf for a while.

Through this entire experience of coming out here to go camping I have already caught myself cut I slept horribly and question multiple things that I haven't thought of in years I sit here now wondering what is so good about camping it's cold it's miserable but it has a lot of things that we can carry towards other topics. 

Camping just like the idea of being yourself it takes time you need to find a new rhythm you need to adjust and it is so much it can become so overwhelming you just want to walk away from it all you just want to go home but you can't. 

You made a commitment to the idea so stick through is and who knows what may come of it.

There's been some good moments but a lot of times where the feeling of being single surrounded by people who are having a great time carrying on just makes you feel empty.

This is new it's haunting the ideas of where I'd be sharing this with someone and making memories instead I feel out of place disjointed and wedged into a place where the feeling of longing is so much worse because I've had it for over a decade and I know what it is to feel both true lose of something once had and now this as well the hollow feeling of longing for something thats been lost.

I do hate my abuser some days for this desperate need/conditioning to where being alone was a threat and punishment so now I'm stuck everyday in a state of mind each day where I'm wrong like I did something to be punished and it eats at me even on the good days.

I'm holding hope some people are being my saving grace through support and other well hope is a different thing they give but the fire that burns in me when I speak with them alone is like a sole ember in the ash starting to catch the surroundings a warmth a comfort it's new but familiar you know who you are little birdy 😉.

In closing make choices that will help you grow even if they scare the hell out of you because when we stop trying we stop growing, when that happens everything stays the same good or bad.

As I begin writing this I tell you all that today I'm going to be standing by some of what I preach.

This morning I woke up knowing that I was not ready for what I was about to do my parents want to go camping for three days and I haven't went on a trip of any kind since the separation and divorce.

I feel small and scared and as someone who's natural persona is boisterous and charismatic it's jarring and it makes me spiral through those old times where all I knew was these feelings.

When I was abused I felt so small I couldn't do anything and it became my norm. All do to a error of judgement on my part where I held hope of a memory. Now any time I plan on going out doing anything I worry I get scared do to the traumatic experiences in grown with over a decade.

I almost didn't go....

But here we are on the road.

So in short you need to break the ties to constraints and bindings put onto you by others that hold you back. You are more than your conditioning and you can be what you were with or without someone so pray with me let's be birds and fly far from this place of familiarity and torment into a world of bright blinding options.

You are not alone truly nobodys alone.

(Also a little "fire birdy" told me some people may have issues with the voice clips in the future any voice clips will be audio of a reading to the current blog posting to help with any person's of different ability needs)

Navigating a brand new environment after such a long time is one of the most jarring and earth-shattering experiences that any individual can find themselves in. 

There's many different terms and forms of this feeling some call it sub drop some call it losing connection getting the ick there's ways where you know everything is crumbling around you you're trying to hold firm on stable ground but no matter how hard you try to sandbag the flood waters will come over it's going to happen unless you find a way to work together and heal the trauma. 

In those times where in doing so the best thing is for you to go on your own congratulations you've entered a brand new world everything changes in a moment it is the most jarring experience you will feel like you just fell out of a plane. 

Adapt to survive learn your strengths again find who you are as an individual as myself speaking from experience I went from courtship and old world romance to a world of dating apps and xenophobia where everyone feels like they're their own independent nation fighting for survival. 

This has been no short of landing on a foreign planet as someone who has never had to experience this because it was from a time where it was just beginning and at my age when I was young it was unnecessary for me to use at all now 31-year-old man walking into a world of dating apps and single life for the first time this has been one of the most exhausting mental processes and I'll tell you I have had to ask myself questions that I have never thought in my entire life would I be willing to accept would I be willing to compromise what is it that I need as an individual now. 

And I know a lot of people are in the same boat it's a rocky rocky choppy water but right now you got to keep on rolling you got to take each Rock in that boat you got to keep moving forward you got to find dry land you can't stay out there in the ocean forever or if you do it's going to beat you up it's going to eat you alive a person can only take so much do not drive yourself like it is a job to find your partner. 

Go with the current don't fight up the stream if you need to take a step back. step back find that level ground again and continue to move forward and grow as an individual you don't need to have someone with you to become better you can become the best you can be even if you are on your own.

Strength is not measured by the company that we hold around us but by the leave that we take in our own action strongest person you'll meet in the street is not one who was given everything who didn't fall or falter when times got hard the strongest person that you will meet is the one that doesn't tell their story because they don't want to share the grief the person he was seeing so much suffering and torment that they'd rather put a common idea into the world they don't want to share they don't want that to prolong and continue to exist they wanted to end and they want that idea to end with them so they don't share it they hold it and by holding on to these feelings of grief not only will it destroy yourself but it will keep you from growing. 

Yes you might be single but you were better than you were you don't need to hide anymore you don't need to walk on eggshells you don't need to feel like everyday could be the last moment that you were with someone you can be better with yourself. 

So in short to close here with us chapter of the blog there is only so many roads that you can walk but you need to be strong to even get to the first step It's a brave New world you might be battered and broken but you need to be the strength to hold yourself up so that you can become strong again love yourself don't ever stop.

There will always be a moment when you fall good or bad but how do you recover from it?

When you put your trust and dedication into a thought it's a powerful tool for both creation and destruction. It's not a choice we get to make through it all before hand how it's going to end up.

There's a thought that's will always cross you mind at one point or another and it's going to hit you like a stack of bricks. Ultimatums are something we all struggle with, it becomes a balance of will you won't you. To tip toe a line on something for comfort will make you fall in the end of you can't make a active choice for something it's time to work on that.

You know the things I mean the doubts that claw from behind the eyes deep into the very soul of a person you need to communicate not only with others but yourself as well in a healthy way.

Your nervous system it always trying to communicate needs with you just like a partner listen to it FFS.

In short learning what your emotions are telling you will help you a lot if you feel confused or unsure about stuff find the root of the cause together and fix it before it gets out of control and you lose yourself in the process.

Please remember nobody's truly alone reach out talk to people and don't be a stranger you always have one and if your saying you don't you do just ask everyone wants to do there best for some its for others but to the worst types they will only take,break and consume without remorse.

Be the change you need