Yesterday something happened that activated a whole bunch of trauma at once, especially from my childhood. It was a lot to process and I wanted to cry so bad but couldn't (which is interesting because I've been weeping every night for the last fortnight or so). Instead, it built and built until it all came flooding out in a series of moans, howls and screams. I've not had that happen in a while and I've been doing so well lately that it was kind of surprising at first that this could lay me so low, so quickly.
So today is a self care day where I'm going to be extra gentle and kind to myself. I am my best resource after all. (You cannot pour from an empty cup. The mother puts the oxygen mask on herself first before her child.) I've already listened to some Belle & Sebastian and that made me feel better. I think I might watch La Vita è Bella later or maybe Ikiru. Old favourites that help me embrace life in all its shades and hues when I'm feeling vulnerable and scared. I felt like a child again last night and fell into a long and protracted struggle with my conscience as I relived all those feelings of blame and guilt once again. It's not my fault that my mum is an alcoholic. The people around me should have protected me. I was worthy of love then and I'm worthy of it now.
I'll probably read some more of War and Peace too today. I started a reread recently (it's my joint fave book) and it's everything. It's so interesting to read it again all these years later. Where before I practically studied Pierre in order to help myself out of similar quandaries and through my own existential crises, now I just can't stop laughing at myself and who I used to be (and still am in certain ways). Not in a malicious way but out of love and because Tolstoy's insights are so true and succinct and beautiful. Fuck, I love Tolstoy. No one else can describe people's messy inner lives with such economy and clarity; so vivid, so true and profound. He just manages to capture the whole width and breadth of human life. Plus I'm deep into my studies of the French Revolution and am up to the Directory, the period before Napoleon comes to power. So I'm appreciating that aspect of it much more this time around. It's such an easy book to read. I have no idea why people pretend it's so hard to get through. All the Russian names can be difficult and confusing at times but that's literally it. That's not a humble brag either. It's one of the easiest classic works I've ever read. (Okay, maybe that part was a humble brag but I'm feeling vulnerable today so please indulge me, myself and others.)
I didn't sleep much last night. Christian Anarchists fascinate and inspire me. The last book I read was about the Anabaptists. If anyone reads this then what are your favourite books? What do you like to do for self care? Did you think this was going to be about Lenin? How are you?
Arrivederci per adesso la gabbia
: )
