Tom and I have physically known each other 11 years today. We had been together 8 of those years. I have physically known Tom for 11 years.
Today, September 25, 2007, is the anniversary of the day we first met. We had chatted and emailed on the internet (myspace) three months first.
Tom was genuinely interested in me. (No hidden agenda. Just true interest, it helped that I responded to his personal ad on MySpace. That is not something I have truly found in anyone else . . . I've found a few interested, but it's from a similar hobby or writing, which is good, but it's just one aspect of me. Then I get those who are submissive and desperate and just looking for anybody to serve. He proved to me that I am not just anybody. I want someone to get to know me as an unique female, demi, gray, dominant and complicated (unsexual) human being. You need to get to know me, before in will show any of kink.)
The thing was I was NOT used to the constant attention as Tom was a natural submissive. He wanted to wine me, dine me, pamper me, spoil me like a queen. (I grew up the oldest, I was taking care of everyone else, I had no idea how to accept it.)
"How are you?"
"How can I help you?"
"What can do for you?"
"I got these for you. Do you like them?" (He had given me roses, they were beautiful. To be honest, flowers die, I get more excited over notebooks, bic pens, kittens, foods. If you do flowers I like lilacs and carnations. My mom is allergic to roses, and I have family visit a lot.)
I was not used to any of this, so affectionate, so cuddly, so into me, he loved attention as much as love giving it to me. It was a very overwhelming at first (but now I miss it.)
Overtime, I learned to like the cuddling and affection, (I loved when he got excited over something, like reading together, watching anime, videogames or dice role play games.) I liked the feeling of being secure (safe), and that I was trusting and comfortable so I could be myself. However between the female health issues and depression. It was harder for me to enjoy or be myself and even harder for him to enjoy me.
I was in pelvic pain: it would start as cramps, so bad my thighs and back would feel it too. My moods were all over and after years of this . . . I know I worn him down.
It started when we couldn't keep each other hands off each other, and by the time it ended he needed time away from me. (I feel sometimes it's Karma from the times, I wanted the computer writing instead of cuddling or just my own time . . . He was disabled so, he was home all of the time, and it really got on my nerves at times. I did learn I need balance.) I felt my emotions and pain and the lack of sex we weren't having, caused him to seek positive and kinky attention else where.
We broke up in September 2015 when I knew he was in live with someone else, and he needed his own time to chat with her when he was supposed be supporting me at my doctor appointment. I never felt more alone in my life. (I was being the good sport and helped take care of him from December 2016 to January 2017. . . He had a liver transplant in August 2016 and his mother called me to help. He died in January of an aggressive cancer, he had it a few week, so I'm glad he didn't suffer much, but I lost my father's side of the family taking care of him. So I guess I suffered for the both of us.)
However he ruined me for "normal" or vanilla dating.
I cannot go back to vanilla because I like bondage if I can ever enjoy sex again.
I like being pampered, spoiled, and served to.
I will not just screw a random guy. I want caring for me, I need a connection.
I love when a guy cleans, make beds, do laundry, and guys who do the dishes is hot.
I have to be in control . . . Menu, budget, bills, dates, allowance. Chores and errands are done before his freetime.
I enjoy having him ask or better beg for things allowance, treats, video games, to go out with his friends etc.
I want him to want to kiss, cuddle and massage me, especially before bed.
I want him to have his own passions, something that makes him excited.
I love texts, messages, and notes to show he cares.
I do appreciate submission, but I also want romance and genuine intrigue in me.
Most of all I need to feel safe, in control, and connected with him.
Like I said he was a romantic passionate submissive boyfriend and has ruined me for most.