Something that is at the very center of intimacy, and particularly kinky intimacy, is trust. It could be said that everything we do is ultimately centered in or around trust. As such, it behooves us to really understand and learn about not only what builds and preserves trust, but how it is rebuilt when it’s lost.
I don’t want to pretend to know everything, it’s a big school of learning. But I do know that something I commonly see people miss is this.
To build trust, you have to take risks. People focus intensely on how to say safe. They ask about all the ways their potential Dom/me has passed their tests, and all the ways in which they might be unsafe, and they keep throwing up tests to see if they pass. And that’s great! We all need to vet one another well. But, sometimes even when a reasonable experience comes along people will doubt themselves out of their own lives. They’ll feel unsafe because there is a risk involved, and they aren’t sure what risks they’re willing to take.
We need to know these things. In kink, we are aware (or at least should be!) of what our risk profile is often in regards to the physical risks. We don’t often take serious stock of what our emotional risk profile is. What are we ready to risk emotionally? What do we truly need to take those leaps? Have we reconciled just how emotionally risky and intense what we’re praying for really is? Do we have a clear idea of where to start?
And this brings me to my second point. In my studies, I have learned that all relationships are like a game of catch. I pass you the ball, then you pass me the ball. In intimacy, this means taking risks. Risk is the ball. We need to start with small but desired risks. We need to actively ask for things that are at least a little bit scary for us. Things that truly excite us, because they really mean something to us. Start small and go bigger as we grow together.
I see kinksters regularly ask for intensity in place of vulnerability. Beg for their ass to be used to store a baseball and a cumdump, when what they really want is a Dom to claim them. Ask for a slave to lick their boots and grovel when what they want is to feel loyalty and be appreciated for their care.
We forget in our fetishization that what makes all of this so rich and juicy and desirable is that these are real people we want to turn into a living doll! Well, at least for me, that’s what makes this juicy. The fact that a real person wants to share this madness with me... it’s what makes me feel human.
Trust is a bridge we build together. It makes it stronger and stronger if we get real about our edges, and lean into them consciously. It keeps us safer and more conscious, and ultimately more accessible, if we both know how to test our partners, and how to actively lean into our risks.
When trust has been lost there’s a whole other level that comes in. In some ways, the moment trust is lost the whole relationship is lost. From this point forward it’s almost like rather than rebuilding the old you’re now building something new. Trust demands that we take a real step back from what was, and ask if we truly want what will be. The grief, anger, and hurt all need to be addressed, and then we need to ask ourselves “What risks do I want to take with this person now?”
And that’s the key to working through it to me. Forgiving, and asking ourselves for real how we want to be vulnerable now. What risk will I love to take with this person? Couples that get frozen after a breach of trust often don’t address this. They don’t take seriously what they wish to risk. It’s not even easy to get back to neutral sometimes, let alone go deep again. But this is what’s required! Risk.
By using risk as our barometer, this can give us an access point in to returning to depth. It can force us to ask ourselves what more do we really need to feel safe and vulnerable?... is that even what we want? How can I help her feel safe again to take a risk with me?
I hope these questions make you think, and help you find the risky life you desire too.
Stay safe out there.
