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How To Find A Mistress

By CAGE Staff​(staff)     November 4, 2022

"How Do I Find a Mistress?"

Ahhh, one of those age-old questions. If you hang around any femdom spaces, this question will pop up with frightening regularity. (To the point that many spaces don't allow the question to be asked anymore!)

And that's because the answer is the expected one: it's like regular dating on hard mode - and it takes a whole lot of time.

But still, knowing a few things ahead of time can help soften your experience and help make it as enjoyable as possible.

Regular Dating Rules Apply

The biggest faux pas submissives make when jumping into the kink world to meet femdoms is that assuming it's nothing like the dating you've already done.

But really, femdom dating is the same as vanilla dating.

Even if you're just looking for a one-time femdom just to do kinky things to you, you're just following all of the "regular dating rules" of hook-up dating.

Trying to find a femdom for relationship isn't much of a different beast. It's still just people looking for people they're compatible with and attracted to - only now there's a wider range of activities that the two people need to be on the same page about. It's actually harder than regular dating!

But that all means the same dating rules apply. I'm sure you've heard them over and over, so I don't want to spend too much time on them, but your basics include:

Initial Contact Online:

  • Read their profile ahead of time
  • Fill out your own profile thoroughly
  • Respect their wishes if their profile states they're not looking
  • Start off with light, friendly, non-sexual conversation unless they clearly state they're looking for sexual conversation
  • Ask questions - and give answers - when responding to someone else
  • Try to use their profile to ask those questions as best as possible
Initial contact in-person:
  • Introduce yourself within situations where the other person is free to leave
  • Be extra-conscious of body language that states they might be uncomfortable
  • Compliment items they're wearing or activities they're doing - stay away from body compliments on a stranger
  • In most cases, stay away from politics when you're new to someone
  • Respect their personal space

Have Realistic Expectations

The problem with porn and erotica, like Hollywood movies, is that they paint a idealized version of D/s relationships and sex. Just like the cafe you go to down the street doesn't look as immaculate, perfectly-lit, and sound-balanced as the ones in the movies, you can't expect your future femdom to be a Hollywood casting of a domme either.

She's a real person - just like you!

Think about how amazing you are at submission. If you're brand new, that answer might be "Not really good at all", but even if you're experienced, you can definitely pull up times where your submission or deference weren't at 100%. Was she folding her own laundry, and you didn't even offer to help?

Expecting a porn-perfect femdom is going to get in the way of your search. Expecting the femdoms you talk to be a turned-on dominatrix 24/7 isn't going to be realistic. In fact, depending on where you're searching and what age you are, even asking her to have any experience might be an unrealistic ask! She might be learning how to be a domme right alongside you learning how to be a sub.

It's important you keep this in mind during your femdom dating search. These assumptions can unconsciously color your questions and conversations - like asking her how often she wants to spank her submissive. It's likely she's never had an arbitrary weekly number - if she's even given a spanking at all! These types of questions can alienate and frustrate femdoms because it assumes we're constantly trying to maintain a porn-perfect dynamic - which couldn't be further from the truth in a world where most of us work, maintain friendships, and have non-sexual activities.

For some submissives, you might consider taking a break from commercial femdom porn - and even some amateur stuff - for awhile while you're initially getting into the femdom dating pool. This can reduce the reinforcement of some of these unrealistic expectations in your brain. You can always go back to your porn choices after you've settled in a bit!

Enjoy the Process

Finding a femdom is going to take time. For most people, it's a multi-year search.

Remember: it's just like trying to date in the vanilla world - only it's on hard mode. I'm guessing you know quite a few people who are unmarried (or now divorced) and years into trying to find a partner to settle down with.

This means that it's really important to enjoy the search; you're going to be here awhile. For an introvert like me who abhors the idea of meeting new people, this can be a hard ask - but it's important for keeping a positive attitude.

What things appeal to you about dating? Are there things about dating that you can consider a positive for your everyday, regular life?

For example, meeting with and introducing yourself to tons of new people certainly could have an overlap into the business world - and each date you go on reduces your shyness and makes you more comfortable! If you're a creative type, learning about other people's stories and experiences can be great fodder for changing up your own viewpoint.

Outside of career opportunities, maybe you're excited to find some kinky friends; even if your date doesn't work out, you can certainly be friends! Maybe you're simply excited to enjoy the sexual tension that naturally occurs when you're getting to know someone new - even if it doesn't go anywhere. Maybe you simply like how your brain feels when you're imagining all of the possibilities of where this could go - and all of the energy it brings into the rest of your life.

Enjoying the search will make it easier to enjoy your dates - and amicably part ways when things don't work out the way you wanted them to. After all, you get to look forward to your next date instead! 

Work On Yourself

You, as a submissive prospect, are most attractive when you're already enjoying your submission.

And I want to be clear: You do NOT require a dominant partner to be submissive.

In fact, "self-collared" is entirely a thing. It's about being a dominant partner to yourself. What would you want your dominant partner to "make" you do? Journaling? Workouts? Water? That hot masturbation session? You set-up ways to "force" yourself into doing them - and enjoy the positive life changes as a result.

Dommes (and most people, really!) are generally attracted to people who seem to have their stuff together - and people who are already living fulfilling lives. If you're putting your life on hold because only a femdom can complete it, many people see that as a disaster of relationship waiting to happen. That's a whole lot of expectations to put on a single person!

View your submission as something you can give to yourself - even if it isn't as arousing as giving to someone else - can open up a whole new way to feel satisfied with kink without requiring other people.
This has a few added benefits that make you even more attractive to potential partners:

  • You have experience. Instead of showing up entirely new to a domme, you have a bit of experience under your belt. You may not know how you'll feel when she canes you - but you'll know what felt good when you hit yourself with a paddle, and you can pass that info on. Think of it as making your future domme's life easier! 
  • You know yourself. If your self-collaring experience made you go a whole month without chastity, you know what that does to your body. Maybe it was pretty aggravating for you - but you assume it was because it was solo and not with a partner. Now you can tell that to your domme partner ahead of time ("I went for a month once, but I was getting grumpy. I don't know if that'll be a thing with you in control."), so they can better manage the situation. Win-win!
  • It keeps you busy and occupied. While you still might be trying to find a femdom for dating, spending some time on your self-collaring activities ensures you're rounding out your life. If those self-collared activities help improve your life, it makes you a better dating prospect too! (Like a submissive who knows how to cook for their domme!)

Find a New Way to Think about "No"

Nobody likes rejection. Nobody. But unfortunately, the dating world is really fraught with a ton of it. Just like a novelist, if you take every rejection personally, you're going to drastically impact your self-esteem - and your ability to actually succeed at your dating task!

Instead, start finding ways to soften those rejections for yourself. The uninterested partner isn't saying you are a bad person when they say no; they just don't think you two are a good fit. 

If you're an optimist, take it one step further: it actually saved you a ton of time. After all, who wants to fall in love with someone who is "iffy" about the relationship? 

There are tons and tons of things that make people incompatible; try not to let your brain jump to the few things that you're self-conscious about. It could literally be that you're a dog person - and they're not.

Still, the sting of rejection is never fun. But if it isn't ego-breaking, you'll be more confident dating - which can be attractive to potential partners (and help your life too!) 

Be Cautious of Scams

Any article about femdom dating wouldn't be complete without a quick caution about scams.

See, the kink community has something called "professional dommes" and "professional submissives". These are people who are extremely versed in their "craft" (BDSM) who do it as a job or career. For people who are short on time or want no-strings-attached, no-judgment kink opportunities without dealing with dating, they might visit a professional. Some couples utilize them to learn safe ways to enjoy BDSM too!

Think of these professionals as service-providers. Just like how you'd pay your therapist to talk to you for an hour, you can pay these professionals to do kink with you for an hour.

However, because scammers will scam everything, some people picked up on the fact that this is a way to make cash - and there are now scammers who will try to scam you out of money while never intending to provide any service in return.

You'll mostly encounter these people when trying to date online. They're known for reaching out after personals ads are posted - or even simply sending tons of messages to anyone who identifies as a submissive. They'll generally pose as a femdom who is extremely into you - and wants to move quickly to message on another platform. They'll promise sexual activities, pictures, or videos right off the bat. Once you're "hooked", they'll ask for money for something or another.

So if you ever find yourself asking "Is this too good to be true?", it might be. You're an amazing person, I'm sure, but a complete stranger offering to be your domme in your DMs within four messages is generally a red flag. As you spend more time dating, you'll start to see these red flags easier; usually the scammers will focus very heavily on sexual services they're into, will be light on personal details, and will not seem to have any preferences of their own.

Remember: professional dominants and submissives are running a business - just like your therapist. If the behavior would seem weird coming from a mental health therapist, think of it the same way when it's coming from someone who is mixing kink and money. There are genuine professionals out there, but they're too busy running a business to reach out to every submissive who posts a personal, spend hours chatting with them, and then ask for money. That's a hallmark of someone looking to scam you. 

In the End...

In the end, all I can do is wish you the best luck on your journey. Dating is an (unfortunate) mix of luck, skill, personality, patience, and location - and it can get grating (even on the femdom side, I promise!).

Try to keep yourself safe out there, focus on improving and taking care of yourself as much as possible, and relish in the new connections you're going to make. Because even if someone doesn't work out as your new femdom, they certainly can be an amazing person to have met. And who knows who they'll introduce you to?

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles (, trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World (

MikaAngelOh​(dom female)
Thank you for this. Very insightful and accurate. My inbox is filled with tons of unanswered solicitations because they don't read my profile requests or make a proper effort. I will agree that the submissive that get my Stanton start out completely non sexual. I want my mind simulated first and am looking for someone who can bring a level of intellect and detail that can capture my attention. Again... very much appreciate this article. Thank you.
Nov 5, 2022, 5:08 PM
SweetheartSadie​(sadist female)
This is great advice. I'm glad to see it!
Nov 11, 2022, 6:03 PM
Steellover​(sub male)
As a veteran of both the vanilla AND the femdom dating scenes, I will say that is an outstanding article and really rings true. Especially the good advice to newbies and about scams. Thank you.
Nov 18, 2022, 2:32 AM
tmo50nv​(sub male)
Very usefull, informative and I agree with having my own ship in order does have appealing qualities.
Nov 22, 2022, 7:46 AM
WickiDee​(switch male)
Marvelous. Well, what can I say, she turns me on!
Jan 3, 2023, 6:38 PM