Orgasm Denial - The Fun in Not Coming

From edging to chastity play, we look at what makes orgasm denial so exciting.

By CAGE Staff(staff) August 14, 2025

You'd be hard-pressed to get most people to disagree with the statement: "Orgasms feel great". While we all know that there's a range of orgasmic intensities, most people agree that actually having one feels pretty good - even if it isn't the best one you've ever had.

That's why, if you don't have a fetish for orgasm denial or chastity, choosing not to have an orgasm can seem, well, kinda weird. Here's this awesome thing you can have anytime you have time and privacy, and you're actively saying you....don't want it?

When you put it like that, it's kinda weird.

But for those who have a kink for orgasm denial, edging, or chastity, there are some very-real benefits in choosing not to orgasm.

So, let's talk about. What are some sexual, power exchange, and non-sexual reasons that someone may choose not to orgasm?

It Keeps You Horny

For most people, having an orgasm means you're less horny than you were before you had that orgasm. That is, somewhat, the point.

But once you're unhorny, well, you're unhorny. Being unhorny means you're less likely to seek out sexual activity. If you're with a partner, well, that means you're less likely to try to initiate sex with a partner.

In some cases, this is great. It keeps you from bothering an uninterested in partner with advances. In others, however, choosing to orgasm solo can be used as an easy way to satisfy a drive that the other partner would otherwise want to share in.

It Lets You Give That Power to Someone Else

Now, if your partner wants to share in that sexual energy with you, not having an orgasm means that you'll have that sexual energy available to provide to someone. So now, if your partner is feeling in the mood, you're much-more-likely to be available and interested than if you'd had an orgasm this morning.

In informal arrangements, where the non-orgasmic person simply chooses not to masturbate or orgasm, this means their partner sets the cadence for sex and is likely to get a "yes" when they initiate sex with the non-orgasming partner. (Some vanilla partners do this without formalizing it into something kinky.)

In kinkier contexts, you might put a label to this, and you might specifically have a discussion about it. You may decide that one partner chooses when the other gets to have orgasms, and if the person in charge doesn't okay the orgasm, it doesn't get to happen. This has the same affect; the person calling the shots can usually initiate sex with the un-orgasmic partner, and not-orgasming partner's sex drive is more likely to be in a higher, elevated place.

A quick note here: while this isn't true for all heterosexual relationships, in many, the man has a higher sex drive and will often try to initiate sex only to be turned by their partner. At a certain point, the woman, who has been regularly asked for something she wasn't that interested in at the time, may stop initiating entirely. This can lead to what sex experts call a “dead bedroom” - where sex just isn't happening anymore.

This is how some vanilla (and lots of kinky!) couples end up doing this orgasm denial thing. By putting the power in the woman's court, he's much-more-likely to be ready and wanting sex at any given moment. By knowing that she's not likely to be turned down, she'll be more likely to initiate.

Since many couples consider successful sexual initiation to be a positive sign in their relationship, this can help smooth over some of the issues with different levels of sexual desire. It can help remove a lot of the negativity and disappointment surrounding sex.

This isn't true for all heterosexual couples, but it's a pattern that plays out often enough that many people choose to forego orgasm as a potential solution.

You Might Be More Attentive

Now, imagine you're someone who's really horny (and has been for days), and you know that the person sitting across the room from you is the sole person who gets to decide when you get that relief.

When you think about it that way, it's easy to see why you might be more attentive to their needs. If you know that doing X, Y, and Z makes them more likely to initiate sex, you're probably going to want to do X, Y, and Z.

This can mimic a lot of the same types of attentive behavior we have when we're first dating, trying to do everything possible to please our partners and enjoy new sexual activities with them.

At its core, a lot of submissive partners want their dominant partners to be happy. They want to see their dominant partners get what they want. That's part of the dynamic. However, actively doing the things their dominant wants can be difficult. It's just like working out. It's much easier to want 6-pack-abs than to actually put in the structured diet and hours of exercise that it requires to get them.

This is why a lot of submissive partners enjoy orgasm denial. The fact that they're choosing to self-dangle orgasm as a carrot for themselves gives them a lot more energy and motivation to do the tasks they know they want to do but wouldn't otherwise be able to talk themselves into doing.

You Can Get Even Hornier

If you masturbate to orgasm every day, your sex drive never really has a chance to build up. If you don't have an orgasm every day but still stoke your sex drive with erotic thoughts, imagery, or masturbation (without an orgasm), you're going to continually pile that sexual energy on top of itself.

This can make you unbelievably horny. This can be a fun, overwhelming type of headspace. It can make every touch feel even more intense, and it can make it much easier to achieve orgasm.

It's an amped up version of "saving the best for last" - whatever that "best" is for you. You're simply doing other things, constantly building anticipation for the big finale that you've been waiting for.

If you don't skip orgasms, though, you'll never be able to build up that level of intense sexual arousal.

Orgasm Feels More Intense

If you ate a piece of cake every day for every meal, cake wouldn't be all that surprisingly delicious. If you get a piece of cake once a month as a treat from your all-vegetable diet, though.....that cake is going to feel like an orgasm all to itself.

That's the same idea behind choosing not to orgasm. Your eventual orgasm is going to feel even more intense. It's going to feel more pleasurable, overwhelming, full-body, and unforgettable compared to if you had one 3 times a day.

You Maintain Your Energy

While some sex-negative groups use this as a reason to view sex and masturbation poorly, the underlying truth is the same: sex and orgasm release a lot of feel-good, relaxing hormones.

This is amazing most of the time. If you're having a rough week or simply want to blow off some stress, orgasms can really help.

If you're trying to amp yourself up to go to the gym, though, well...an orgasm might actually destroy that plan. All of those feel-good chemicals can take the (literal) energetic wind out of our sails, making difficult tasks take a backseat to the post-orgasmic glow we'd rather enjoy.

It's a bit like choosing to have Thanksgiving dinner before you need to hit the gym. You're fighting an uphill battle in motivation as soon as you do.

A Final Caveat

Everything stated in this article about orgasm denial requires a few things:

The choice to NOT orgasm must be made willingly. Very few of these points apply if you've been blackmailed into not orgasming. That can turn into abuse - not fun sexual play.

Sexual tension must continue. Even if you willingly chose not to orgasm, orgasm denial still includes other forms of intimacy and sexual teasing. If you've chosen not to orgasm and there's nothing intimate or sexual ever happening, anger and frustration can override any positive feelings.

Even if both of those things are true, not everyone enjoys orgasm denial. Some people may experience more frustration than playfulness, and some people may just not like it. That's okay! Not every sexual activity is a good fit for every person, but at least now you have a basic understanding of why people may choose to willingly (and enjoyingly!) give up their orgasms.