Poly relationships and BDSM

Poly relationships and BDSM

KindDomL • Jun 19, 2017

I've started to see this more and more and I must say, I don't understand it. Whether it be a triad or a Dom/Domme collecting as many subs as his/her inbox can handle, what is the motivation. I need to make my position clear first so I don't get anyone worked up. I have been a Dom happily in the BDSM lifestyle for 12 years. I know from experience and discussion, that attention is a must for subs. This being stated, I guess my question is, are Dom/Domme(s) giving the attention and love that a sub needs and deserves when they put their complete trust In it. I'm not saying a triad can't work, but I guess I am curious how it works or what kind of Dom/Domme it takes to give proper love, attention and care to five, six, seven subs...or are they not getting the focus they deserve? I would love to hear anyone else's opinions or feel free to add something to my inquisitive thoughts.

KindDomL

Villanelle​(staff) • Jun 20, 2017

I've never considered myself poly but I have had more than one sub at a time. I didn't have sexual or romantic relationships with all of them. Some were service subs or subs I just enjoyed humiliating when I felt like it. How well the combination of relationships works depends purely on how much time and interest everyone has and whether we were all getting a satisfactory amount of attention. Sometimes it worked better than others.

There are plenty of subs who only want an occasional fix while others want full on 24/7 attention. The same can be said for dominants. I don't think subs are more needy in particular than dominants. In fact, dominants with multiple subs could also be considered 'needy'. When I had three subs I used to joke that I required 24/7 coverage. These days my D/s relationship, hobbies, and work leave little time for anything (or anyone) else. So time, interest, needs, desires, and dynamics all factor in to it.

Great topic! Thanks for posting it. Looking forward to the other responses.

DrWakko • Jun 25, 2017

When it comes to poly I think there have been those who have the ability to love multiple people and then there are the ones who think they got the "golden ticket" of cheating.

Of those real poly people you see them with a small set of partners and the communication between everyone is impeccable. They have open lines of communication so all partners and all parties know what goes on at all times (or enough information to make everyone happy).

The other group looks for fuck partners. Its their needs above others. They might have six partners, but they only spend a couple hours with them at a time and most of the time its going to be sexual. There is no "how is your day?" kind of conversation.

There is a third type, but its also not poly. Its a person with multiple play partners. It doesn't have to be sexual and most times its not. But playing with someone can bring people closer together. I person could have six or seven play partners and it could look like one giant relationship and that person could care for each play partner like a loved one.

I would suggest talking to people in these six, seven or eight person relationships. It might not be exactly what you thought.

Calentra • Jun 26, 2017

Keep in mind that if the poly relationship is a good one, the subs give each other attention as well, with or without the Dom/me and I am not just talking bdsm attention either

Silver​(sub female){not intere} • Jun 30, 2017

i agree with Calentra .....the relationships between the subs can bring amazing rewards for all. a very astute Dominant will choose partners with an eye to everyone being a good ""fit"" with one another. Open lines of communication between all the subs can reap many benefits at all times through everyone's ordinary lives.

DrWakko • Jun 30, 2017

There are multiple relationship types in poly. The relationship type mentioned above sounds like a triad relationship. There are a couple versions of trIad: X has a relationship with Y and X has a relationship with Z. Y and Z are both in a relationship with Z but not with each other. The other version is X is with Y and X is Z and Y and Z are together. This is more of a closed trIad.

Others may have serious boy or girlfriends that they see on a regular basis. It may look like dating on the outside but there is (or they are working on) a deeper bond. In most cases each person knows about each other though they never meet their partners other partners.

The one thing about poly to make it work is all parties have to be ok with each other. We all know what happens when the boss hires someone new. Sometimes it's a good fit sometimes it not. In a relationship you should have to work with someone you dislike.

The bi

DrWakko • Jun 30, 2017

The big thing about poly is communication. Without good communication skills the relationships will fail.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 22, 2017

I've had an owner that's had another pet. I'm fine with that because 1: it's about HER happiness. And 2: She was there for me as well, despite her trust issues. I made her feel braver by addressing things like "We both have neglect fears" and we both got the time. BEFORE any relationships happened. It was actually stated at me point blank that she wasn't looking for another pet. Despite this I ended up as one about a week later.

The greater concern for me was how things went with the other pet. Not just with me (we bonded and talked) but with the owner. Trusting each other to be there regardless of others interests. Other interests aren't just people either, I've had people take more of an interest in a club. I make the time. I work my ass off to be there for someone when they let me. Which has a way of others looking after me in turn. Does that pet matter to you? Here's some none biased advice that might help. eg: Something that applied between us. An example would be no one has to be around and they're there when they want to be. Actually I told the (not yet) owner that I'd leave if she wanted me too. I ended up as a pet because we were ALREADY looking after each other. So the simple logic was something along the lines (roughly) of "We're here for each other already so why not".

As for communication, that's not something that's "harder" in poly. If anything I find it easier. More people=more practice and that's not poly specific either. Communication is something that should be applied BEFORE a relationship. Not during it. It's a simple case of considering what affects others. don't want to find out with me? Then I'll move on to someone that actually considers how X topic here affects me. Likewise I want to find out things about others too. Provided they express an interest in me in turn.

Silver​(sub female){not intere} • Aug 28, 2017

Thank You Taramafor you made an extremely good point.....Communication is something that should be applied BEFORE a relationship. That is so true. How many times have any of us heard from one of a vanilla couple .....that they are having a baby and they are hopeful that it will bring them CLOSER together???????
When deciding to be poly its best to make sure that whatever your existing relationship is...that is it healthy to begin with because .....adding someone to be your plus one is just like having a new baby. Communication needs to be in place and working well and your relationship needs to be totally viable without nasty insecurities that will tear it all down around you.
And!!!!!!!! its not fair to someone you have a serious relationship with to suddenly have to weather the fact that you suddenly have decided you want to have more than one meaningful relationship.
And yes most subs are aware or should be aware that one of the biggest fantasies a guy can have is to have two women at once....and them both being bi would just be frosting on their cake.
So it might be best to be honest with yourself and the other people before you make a total mess of your attempt at""" becoming""" poly.