Is there a way to avoid desperate noobs?

witty bratty sub​(sub female) • Feb 24, 2019

i also feel that if they are true subs they wouldnt just want any stranger to dominate them....they are missing the whole point of trust being vital....just my thoought

K y i v • Feb 24, 2019

If you have premium you can block ALL messages from Non premium.. that should do the trick..

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Mar 16, 2019

I would say that, no, there's no way I've seen to avoid this. Kink and personals sites don't seem to have the sort of filtering that will allow a user to severely limit who may contact them (people within a certain location rage, who specify a certain role - or selection of them, of certain genders, of a certain age range, who have specific interests, who indicate a certain relationship status, etc) for personal messages because there's no good way to automatically filter for a come-on message rather than one from someone who just appreciated something you wrote, or is totes interested in the free doohickey you're wanting to get out of your home, or whatever.

I wrote up a polite blurb with helpful links. If someone is outside of specified location or preferred role, or is somehow otherwise not a match but is trying to hit me up, I send the blurb, block their account, and delete their come-on. It's repetitive copy and paste, but I'm of a demographic where I'm not dealing with as many messages as I used to.

Nobody can say that I didn't reply to their message. However, I also didn't waste time on someone who obviously didn't care about my boundaries, so I consider it a fair exchange.

I would love to see a personals site which will do a mutual filtering:

A 50 year old dominant woman who is only interested in 30 year old bisexual submissive men in her home city will only be able to see personals listings for and be able to contact 30 year old bisexual submissive men in her home city who are interested in 50 year old dominant women ... and vice versa. A personal's site where one's access is restricted by the people who'd already been interested in that person ... and out of those people, that one person will only see the folks that fit that particular person's criteria as well. Instead of being able to spam every dominant woman or submissive man on a site, the accessible field goes down to 100. Or twenty. Or whatever.

But, again, that does seriously limit the potential for a free exchange of conversation between people who aren't interested in actually dating each other, so that website could pretty much only be a personals site that mandates that site moderators be able to contact anyone, no matter what their stated preferences.

Tricky. I'm not saying that The Cage should ever try this; just that I'd be interested to see how such a system worked out.

SensualAva​(dom female) • Mar 16, 2019

The eternal struggle for a Dominant woman. I mean men get it a little too. But there's just more thirsty "sub" men out there desperately seeking wank fodder. (I use quotes because some of them are just playing sub hoping for nudes or something). As someone pointed out some sub women behave the same way, plus I've gotten "dom" men who claim I'm just misbehaving or haven't met a "real man" to submit to which is hilarious.

I will typically just say "that's in my profile" if they ask me something, unless it's not. I'm going to bother retyping the same thing I put in my profile to save time.

I try not to tell them off too harshly because honestly that's what some of them are looking for to have a quick wank. I won't participate in that.

OnlineJosh​(dom male) • Mar 23, 2019

There is a sea of desperate noobs in all spectrums of BDSM. There is no way to avoid them, but keep in mind... some people are just new and may seem desperate... but really they are either just nervous or have been misled by another fake who told them to be that way. So if they really are new to the scene, I tend to not get discouraged by them not knowing how to behave. I have met some genuinely good people, who at first glance... seemed like a desperate noob. So I try not to judge a book by its cover until quite a bit of conversation.

DrWakko • Mar 23, 2019

I think there are three ways to handle this issue:

1. If they are fakes ignore them.

2. If they are real ignore them.

3. Realize that even though they are on the other side of the slash, both of you were new once and more than likely took the time to help you out and answer your questions.

Everyone on this site was virgin new at some point. Pushing someone only hurts the BDSM image.

If someone has questions and you can’t answer them try to direct them to someone who can. If you don’t know anyone have them post their question/s in the forum.

None of us would be here if someone didn’t open their arms and let us in.

EvelynNyte​(switch trans woman) • Mar 24, 2019

The nature of an online and easy medium means there's always going to be a lot of crap. There's little tricks you can do (like someone mentioned having a short passphrase required somewhere in the middle of your profile), but largely just have to ignore the low effort stuff or decide it's just not worth dealing with altogether and exit the site. I generally don't even block people I just leave the messages unattended to so they hopefully understand I don't even care enough to care.

A little off topic and not meant for anyone in particular, but I would be careful to focus on what one wants in their profile and not the negatives that one doesn't want. Personally as I deal with more junk, it gets tempting to increasingly specify who I want to stay the hell away, but having a profile bloated with that gives the impression that one is mostly negative and can drive away people that would otherwise make some sort of good connection. What's worse is no matter how much one specifies the negatives those people are just going to ignore it anyway. They weren't reading the profiles sincerely to begin with.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Mar 24, 2019

I dont seem to have as many fakes messaging me on the sites I'm on .
You can look at my profile and see if you get any ideas . ?

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Nov 29, 2019

To reduce the eager non self-aware newbie messaging me I clearly define what message contents I will reply to on my main profile on Fetlife.

Including no BDSM play for at least 6 months while we get to know each other as people.

I have found many newbies are seeking to bottom for BDSM play sensations so I direct them to Munches to socialise and discuss the contents of their mind.

Then attend Fetish events self - aware at entry level so they can safely bottom to attendees after pre BDSM play negotiation has taken place.

Pushy people are blocked. Simple.


Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

Excuse me?

Stranger • Nov 29, 2019