BDSM and parenting

BDSM and parenting

Finished​(switch female) • Jun 1, 2019

I was just curious as to how all the other parents out there incorporate their lifestyle with having kids. I’m a Mom myself and my hubby and I have always kept our sex life very separate from our home life. We take a lot of weekend trips while the kid stays with grandparents! Lol!

How do others deal with the issues of time, energy, toys, dungeons, etc and kids?
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CapnRick​(dom male) • Jun 1, 2019

Great question, PJ --

My kids are grown and gone, but I deal with subs who have youngsters and/or grandkids still at home quite a bit.

Of course there are interruptions frequently, so I live by and regularly repeat my mantra -- "Family First!" Once that became a part of the D/s dynamic, a lot of the potential frictions became more tolerable, on both sides of the / .

Interested to hear how current parents handle the issues of kids and their D/s lives....

Lossofalme • Jun 1, 2019

We have five children (the oldest is 14, the youngest is 5) and we've tried a lot of different things over the years! A long lunch break during working hours, babysitters and a dinner courtesy of hotel room service, grandparents who can keep the kids overnight once or twice a year, putting a favorite dvd on in the family room and sneaking off to the bedroom, Saturday morning early, etc!

One foundational practice has been that you can knock, but you never open a closed door. Honestly, when you have a large family in a small home, that's an important tool for building privacy/respect for others no matter what lifestyle you have! Although the kids' bedrooms do not have locks, the adult bedroom does have a slide lock on the inside that we installed. Just in case. And while I might have rules to follow that spill out into day to day life, or domestic service, all the "nekkid/toy play" happens in the locked bedroom. And even in that bedroom, toys are kept in a chest and unless you're looking for O-rings or know what liberator pillows look like you're probably not going to notice anything.

We had to be more creative during the baby years (we were pretty crunchy, with nursing on demand till 24 months and cosleeping), but now that all the kids are old enough to go to their own beds and STAY there... Protocol tends to kick up after the children's bedtime (we have two bedrooms for the kids and 8pm is the "you don't have to sleep but you have to be in your room" moment). Although I try to be sleep by 10:30pm since I'm up by 5am that still gives us around two hours a night for "adult time" (focusing on us and not just getting sucked into at show can be challenging). Yes, we have to be quiet, but white noise machines in the kids' rooms and the fact that the adult bedroom is as far from the kids' rooms as possible helps (we live in a 1600 sq/ft 3 bed/2bath modular home).

However... We've always been pretty honest with our children when it comes to all the different ways humans can show love, the importance of enthusiastic consent, and body positivity. Our children are friends with children who are growing up with two moms, or two dads, or a polycule, or a single parent who dates, or a mom who used to be their dad, or a blended family (either through marriage or adoption), and so on. And we watch movies and shows and read bedtime stories with them that model positive (and diverse) relationships.

We've never tried to pretend that parents don't have sex and we're physically affectionate in front of them (hugging and kissing and making comments about how nice our partner looks). So while our kids don't know the details of /our/ adult relationship, they know that there are many different ways to /be/ in an adult relationship.

I'm really looking forward to the day when they are ALL old enough to babysit though. It's going to be glorious to have our flexible freedoms back! Lol

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 3, 2019

Like CapnRick, I've always had the same mantra "Family First!" You also need to live by the rule, play time can always go on hold, family first.
My 3 kids are now older with 2 left home (22,18 and 15) We have always practiced similar things that Lossofalme mentioned. locked door, knocking on doors was introduced when my boys where very young. We ALL knock, not just them. We also raised them that your bedroom is your safe space, if respect others space, they will respect yours. My sons have all been raised knowing of different sexualities, in fact they themselves are also now very open to different sexuality and genders . I was a sex ed teacher so was always open talking about it. One is poly (has dated men and women), one is bi and the youngest has just recently declared himself pan, gender free and possibly fluid gender. Two have dreams of being lawyers for gender and sexuality issues.

My children know we are into BDSM, they know and understand poly too. They really don't care about details and if they do they ask. I explain what they ask about and always have. They respect difference and I think that is the key. We of course where never openly playing while the children where around but there are also many things you can do, my sub often sitting on the floor wasn't seen as Dads different to other dads, it was simply dad sometimes likes to sit at Mums feet or on the floor etc. My kids seen parents that loved each other, that often hug and kiss and in later years get told to "get a room" We are affectionate towards each other. You know you've done right when you kids tell you, I want the kind of love and relationship you and Dad have.

When younger, my boys loved anything military so we often joked I was the Captain and Dad was beneath me, he could then call me Ma'am and I could order him about (during the night time routine like baths etc) the kids thought it was wonderful. It is more about how you present, what you are doing and show it in balanced way.

while younger, we also used codes and signs for eg.My hairbrush left on a kitchen counter (a place I would never leave it) meant, you screwed up, I will punish that tonight. I also used to say things like Better Do Some Mowing this weekend.(notice the BDSM) We also had sayings that meant nothing to children or outsiders. My strap on had a name (Barbara) he often got told wait till I tell Barbara what you just said (or did). MY fav toys we also did the same with. Also mobile phones are Goddess send, text, vid and pics works wonders for orders and completion. You don't need to change, you just need respect boundaries of having children and adapt to them. you just need to play smarter. Children aren't forever

When little we also used motion detectors down the hall from kids bedrooms to our own and toilet bathroom~the lights came on for them providing them safe travels and we got an alarm allowing us to stop and cover or that just like any parent, that our children needed us. ..or there was a problem.

There also heaps of things you can do keep sound down, granted it does change the ascetics of your play but the sensation doesn't need to change. You just need to adapt just like any 'vanilla' does when they have children.

Lossofalme • Jun 3, 2019

@MissBonnie "better do some mowing"! Oh my goodness, I love it!

And I completely agree about cell phones... We use a private chat app and it's been a wonderful way to "talk" while still getting all the day-to-day stuff with the kids done.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2019

I do not have children, but I have been involved in relationships where there have been minors. It isn't easy, but if the fire burns hot enough most every hurdle is doable. The others have given some great ideas about how to handle the child dynamic. All I will say is that, for me I have to live in the world I am in, not the world I dream of. So if it includes children, we can make it work and the same goes for boy/girl friends, spouses, jobs, college, locations, etc. For me it is about the connection and if that is strong, the rest is just a negotiation, at least on my end.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 5, 2019

I missed a thought in that line. I do that sometimes, I wish I could blame it on being blonde or dyslexic/Adhd LOL I just forget sometimes people cant see in my head.
With the hair brush we also used coins, left on the window sill in the kitchen (brush below it). 10 cents was x10 ..so 5 ten cent pieces in pile, implied 50 with my fav toy or sometimes if I wanted to play with his headspace more I'd use the actual hair brush. I found this worked great to make a mental link between the brush and then leaving it out. He would see it all day. Every time he seen it, it then creates a mental link with EVERY other time you have used it. I like to work smarter, not harder. The coins also mean you don't need t keep counts

LifeAdventures​(switch female) • Jun 6, 2019

We raised 6 kids. I have one still at home. The kids new that my hubby was in charge and that i sometimes got in trouble too ie sent to bed or grounded. We tried to keep them from hearing play, but they may have heard something. We turned up radio at night and they had a set bedtime.

2 of my adult children have come to me and asked the secret to my relationship and I ahve told them about DD/HOH and to a limited extent BDSM. I have always answered my children's questions honestly... and try to aim for no more than they want to know. I am a big believer in the ideal that if your spouse is into something that is meets the SSC standard, that you should try to find a way to satisfy that desire even if it is only roleplay. I believe this goes both ways. This has also come up in discussions with older children when appropriate.

It is important that children see a loving relationship between their parents. This will be helpful if one day they accidentally hear or see something. Do all you can to prevent that. Someone mentioned locking up your toys. Totally agree!! Kids snoop. I know I did.

Family first. Absolutely. I love the "better do some mowing" comment lol. Plan playtimes. Use some things that can be done discreetly. Whether it is positions to sit in, capsacin for a silent pain, or jewelry that substitutes for a collar. Lots of options.

Good luck.