Looking for some guidance if you are willing

Looking for some guidance if you are willing

LostVanilla • Dec 14, 2019

Hello everyone. I posted this in the general introduction forum, but it seems more appropriate to start a new forum. In case anyone would like to talk to me. Thanks in advance.

A little over two months ago I came home to find my partner of 14.5 years, married for the last 5.5, in the fetal position on our bed, completely emotionally shut down. He told me that he has been in a relationship with another woman for the last three years. She lives in the UK and didn't know about me, either. He said that he was/is deeply in love with her. With both of us. And that he was struggling with the guilt and shame of it to the point of suicidality. He is still in love with both of us, but he ended our marriage a few days later because the magnitude of the transgression and the trauma that his infidelity has caused us both has led him to be consumed with self-hatred when he feels feelings of love toward me. And also because he is so bewildered by his own behavior over the past few years that he is having a pretty intense identity crisis.

He would like for us to be friends. However, he has decided to try to continue his relationship with her, in part because he feels the transgression there is lesser in magnitude, and because he feels that continuing their relationship will help him to overcome his suicidal thoughts. I found out a few weeks ago that a huge part of his initiating the affair is that there are a number of sexual exploration areas in the BDSM realm that she would do with him that he knew I wouldn't. He identifies as a Dom and a Daddy, and she is his little. I learned that he is apparently into all kinds of things I never knew about. He never told me. Things that I have to admit I wouldn't have explored with him. And I learned that he has in the past felt ashamed when he tried things with me and I didn't respond in the ways he was hoping. I have also felt ashamed in the past, because I couldn't do the things with him that he wanted.

He has been hiding this important part of his identity from me for years and struggling with it tremendously. He was and is convinced that we are sexually incompatible. And that his only choice is to fall out of love with me and be with her. He has also made clear that he is actively and intentionally trying to fall out of love with me, because it hurts too much to continue to feel those things towards me. I am deeply hurt by him closing that door to me and by their continued relationship and feel pulled in several different directions and incredibly confused. And concerned about his mental health. And angry.

I feel like I barely know this man. And I feel completely erased. Rejected. Cast aside. Like our love wasn't real and I have been living a lie. In the past two months I have bought a car, basically left medical school, found a new apartment, and spent nearly a quarter of my life savings. I am seeing a therapist and struggling with desperately missing my husband and best friend, fear of being alone, occasional panic attacks, and all of the intense feelings of inadequacy that come from infidelity.

But it was real. For a long time it really was real, and we loved each other deeply. I know this in my heart, and he tells me this too. I am finally starting to come to terms with the fact that we are sexually incompatible, and we're trying to save something from this. A friendship, if we can. I am here because I want to understand him better. I am a vanilla, and I know this now. And I hope it isn't unfair to ask this, but I am hoping that the Cage community will help me to better understand him, and understand what happened between us. I still love him more than anyone in the world. We've been best friends since the day we met, and if I can have him in my life and love him as something else that I will take that over nothing at all. Thank you for listening.

LittleRabbit​(sub female){Owned} • Dec 15, 2019

Firstly, I am sorry for all you’re currently going through. I cannot speak for the community nor can I tell you what exactly happened between you and your husband. But I can provide you with an opinion based on my own personal experience.

When I was exposed to the lifestyle I adapted quickly. It felt natural and sexually fulfilling for me. More so than any relationship I had previously been in. Once I had a taste, it was hard to let go. But unfortunately this lifestyle and feelings don’t always go hand in hand. I fell in love with someone who was vanilla and I struggled in that relationship. It took me a long time to figure out why I was struggling so much and what I needed to be happy. After that came the tough decision. Him or the lifestyle. Everyone’s experience and reason will vary, but for me it was something I found I absolutely needed. Therefore, I made the conscious decision to leave him. It wasn’t easy but I am happy I made that decision now.

Based on this, in my own opinion, it sounds like he may have made a similar decision himself. But you should know that there is a huge variation within the lifestyle and it’s not all about sex.

It appears to me that there has been a lack of communication between you both about what you want and need to be happy. An internal battle more common among those in a vanilla relationship. It also sounds like he may be polyamorous, which is something else entirely.

For me, I know that this lifestyle is something I need. But I am always evolving, discovering different facets of myself. New things I like and don’t like. It’s a constant process of reflection and a bit of ‘trial and error’. Perhaps some research will give you a better understanding and more insight into the different areas. Who knows, you may even discover something that appeals to you.

I wish you the best of luck.
🐰

faggotpig​(sub male) • Dec 15, 2019

I am a new sub male to my male Sir. I have been given the homework of researching how to properly present myself when we first meet. I would greatly appreciate any guidance. Thank you in advance.

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Dec 15, 2019

I would like to add you must have a therapist that is versed in the lifestyle and they will help you more than a regular therapist.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Dec 16, 2019

Miss @LostVanilla,

This is a truly heartbreaking story and my heart goes out to you. I am sure there are so few of us that can understand the pain and rejection you must feel.

I echo littlerabbit's comment that for many of us this isn't just about the sex. Its a different way of having relationships and thinking about our identities. It is often an intense experience and fulfills a deep need in many of us. If someone has been ignoring the need for a long time, or perhaps even unaware of the need, then the discovery can lead that person down what can seem irrational paths. Fulfilling the need at last can be intoxicating.

I know that you are probably weighing up the choice he made in terms of this other woman versus yourself. Does it help to think of the choice in terms of a bdsm lifestyle versus a vanilla lifestyle? I don't know. It feels trite to say 'don't take this personally' but its possible that he was always going to find this path sooner or later and this is not a rejection of you but a rejection of his previous lifestyle. I am sorry you were at the centre of this mess.

Two further points I'd like to make. Firstly consent. He did you wrong. We teach in this lifestyle that the issues of truth, honesty and consent are central to the openness we seek. He was not honest with you and you did not consent to another person in the relationship. That was wrong.

Secondly, I fear that you perhaps feel some blame for not being adventurous enough, and that is also wrong. It is important that each of us only does what we want to do, and avoids those things we do not want to do. There is no shame in wanting one thing over another, it is a part of our identities. We have a phrase in this world of 'kink-shaming' where one person belittles another because of what they are interested in: whether that be this fetish or that. Kink-shaming is not welcome but its equally unwelcome to when applied to so-called vanilla lifestyles. You are who you are and you like what you like, kink or vanilla, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I hope the pain recedes over time and you can find some peace when the time is right.

Carraway

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Dec 16, 2019

One day soon you will look back and be grateful the kinktard Domboi is out of your life .

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Dec 16, 2019

I don’t think I’ll be able to respond as well as Carraway did, but woman to woman I feel compelled to implore you to understand one thing.

Cheating is wrong.

You did not fail. You are not less than enough. You are not at fault. You should not carry any blame or guilt. You are the victim of circumstance and his selfish decisions.

I can understand that he was torn and that his heart and his head didn’t align and I am sure that it was an emotional struggle for him. I do not discount that. I have been in a similar situation myself. But it doesn’t justify cheating. When he made the conscious decision to seek intimacy from another person while married to an unconsenting partner, he was cheating. That is on him, not you. While I believe your relationship would probably have come to an emotional end regardless, it could have been sooner, and done with dignity and respect.

I hope you’re able to find peace and acceptance within yourself and that one day you can open your heart again to someone who can fulfill your own needs.

Pumpkin29​(sub female){MrWhite} • Dec 16, 2019

@LostVanilla

I don't feel that I have anything of value to add by way of explanation or justification, but it felt important to reply to your post. If only to offer support.

I just wanted you to know that your pain is tangible, and this community will help you in any way we can.

I won't belittle your pain by saying I understand how you feel, but there are so many facets of your story that resonate deeply with me.

The one thing others have said that I'd like to echo is: this is not your fault.

You did not drive him to his choices. You were collateral damage. It's not fair, and that certainly doesn't ease the pain, but you are not "less."

I wish I could message you directly. Please know that if you need a friend, many of us here, myself included, are with you.

💜

LordofPain56 • Dec 17, 2019

This is probably not what you want to hear. And you can go ahead and blame it upon my antiquity if you want. These past 50 yrs or so, most people have been jumping in bed before getting to know their partners at all, they get married and they are divorced a few years down the road, still not knowing all their partners "secrets".
Partners should know each others hopes, dreams, habits (good and bad), personal characteristics, handling of financial responsibilities and sexual proclivities before jumping the gun.
Upon both knowing all these things, there will be concerns or dis-agreements which should be talked out or if possible compromised for a final agreement. If a final agreement cannot be reached, the two should not engage in a relationship. This should occur before things get too far (and in my opinion, before the first sexual encounter).
As a Dom, I go by a set of rules. I use Gods Ten Commandments, of which the seventh is "Thou shalt not commit adultery". All Doms have a set of rules, right? I also have a list of household rules and relationship rules (both of which had been known to my few previous partners).
I suggest doing a personal inventory of yourself including at least each of the categories listed above and write them in a notebook before the next time you decide to meet someone. If it looks like it might start getting serious, read your list to him and request he prepare a similar list for you to hear. Both should be prepared to answer any questions or receive explanations and clarifications during the exchange.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Dec 17, 2019

@Lordofpain56

Mr Pain. That is an ill judged post, uncalibrated and ham-fisted. Please have some compassion for miss vanilla, she is not of our world and doesnt need this advice right now.