Top or Dom / Bottom or Submissive

Top or Dom / Bottom or Submissive

zash • Jan 15, 2020

Hi again I have again a question.
How do you know if you are Bottom or Submissive , is it any way to find out before entering into relationships with a Dom or Top. And same time how would you know if he is a Dom or Top.
In case the person is just Bottom , is this mean that she has to look only for Top , as probably she would not be able to satisfy the needs of a Dom?

Thanks 😊

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 15, 2020

its actually a little more easier if don't complicate it.
How do you feel?
what do you feel suits you and your needs?

what level of interaction do you require/need/want to be happy or feel content and whole/sated.
Is this going to be a role you take on and off like a sweater? A bottom takes on that role
Will you need the level of always wearing the sweater?
If you start to describe yourself to another, how would you do so. Your answer is in that.

This might help you start to the process of figuring out where your needs lie, ONLY you can decide what you are. No one else can
http://collarncuffs.com/resources/doku.php?id=degrees_of_sub

Who you seek, is who you connect with. You will find most sites online dont have "bottom" or "top" as a selection and it often becomes clearer as you talk with the person.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Jan 15, 2020

This is how Kinkly explains it:

As a general rule, a "bottom" is usually someone who only takes on the submissive role within a play session or scene for a limited and previously negotiated time period. During the scene, they inhabit the role of the bottom, receiving the actions of their partner, who would in this situation would be referred to as the "top."

A "submissive," on the other hand, tends to be someone that embodies a role of submission within a relationship dynamic, either full-time or part-time, depending on what has been negotiated between the people involved. Unlike a bottom, who mainly plays a receiving role in sexual interactions and scenes, a submissive may approach their label as signifying a more psychologically complex, 24/7 commitment. In exploring a d/s lifestyle, a submissive may agree upon certain rules and structures, with their dominant partner(s). Submissive and dominant roles can, of course, be inhabited by the same person, although it is quite common for one to prefer a particular role over the other.

zash • Jan 15, 2020

Hi and thanks for the reply .
And if I want to wear the sweater every night , but in the same time not able to wear it full time in the day ? would there be a Dom or Top to agree with this ? And is this mean that it would be just temporary but not a long term , due to not completely satisfying his needs in case of a Dom?

Thanks 😊

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Jan 15, 2020

You don’t have to be what the community refers to as 24/7, you can be bedroom only or evenings only or whatever the two of you agree to. Just because you aren’t 24/7 doesn’t mean you aren’t fulfilling the needs of your Dom, it just depends on the Dom. Not all Doms want the responsibility of a 24/7 sub. You may very well be exactly what some Doms are looking for.

Lossofalme • Jan 16, 2020

A lot of this comes down to what you, specifically, want and how that fits with what a potential partner wants.

In general, a bottom receives and a top delivers whatever it might be in a specific scene. Like the sweater analogy, one of you wears the sweater while the other provides the sweater to be worn during a specific event or at an agreed upon time/place. Top and bottom are what you /do/.

Similarly, a submissive might wear sweaters because they can't imagine NOT wearing a sweater selected for them, while a Dominant might not be able to turn off their desire to dress their partner in sweaters. Dominant and submissive are what you /are/.

(And that's where it can get confusing, because you can totally be a Dominant who bottoms in a scene, or a submissive who Tops in a scene... It just depends on what you've negotiated in that specific moment)

Which would make negotiation a process of determining what sort of sweaters are available, what materials are out due to allergy or dislike, which styles are the most flattering, I suppose? (I'm LOVING this analogy, btw!)

Anyway... If you want to wear that sweater all the time, because that's who you are, there are people who will be happy to select a sweater with you. And people who will understand that there same sweater won't fit all the time. I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but my relationship certainly doesn't look like the sort of 24/7 you might find in an erotic novel. We both work outside the home, we have kids and all the challenges parenting provides, we have different social interests (I even wear clothes and eat at the table nine times out of ten )

For us, the "sweater" I wear all the time is that he is the decision maker and I operate within boundaries he assigns. He has responsibilities that I depend on him to complete. When we have private time there are other sweaters he pulls out for me to wear, and I love those sweaters... But they're not the foundation of our relationship. Like any relationship, we talk, we negotiate, we share our hopes and concerns, and we move forward together.

Which is a really long winded way of saying... If there is something you want, there is most likely someone out there who would enjoy giving that to you. Places like the Cage, or your local munch, are great options for starting a conversation with someone and seeing if their desires line up with yours.

Lossofalme

zash • Jan 16, 2020

Thank you for the reply I loved the terminology of the sweater as well


Which would make negotiation a process of determining what sort of sweaters are available, what materials are out due to allergy or dislike, which styles are the most flattering, I suppose? (I'm LOVING this analogy, btw!)

Thanks for sharing about your D/S relationship , and you mentioned something very important as well for me -the kids .

I have child and obviously he is the most important person in my life. I can imagine that for manny Dom’s this would be an issue like in any other Vanilla relationship.? Or I am wrong ? In your case you are married to your Dom , so there would be not issue but generally speaking , how is working out Kids and BDSM Lifestyle ?

Thanks 😊

Lossofalme • Jan 17, 2020

/Quote
I have child and obviously he is the most important person in my life. I can imagine that for many Dom’s this would be an issue like in any other Vanilla relationship.? Or I am wrong ? In your case you are married to your Dom , so there would be not issue but generally speaking , how is working out Kids and BDSM Lifestyle ?
/EndQuote

It really is like vanilla dating in that respect... Some people will not be interested in building a relationship dynamic that includes a child, while others won't have an issue with a partner who is a parent. And some people will be happy to play with you in a casual way (where the issue of your having a child really wouldn't come up) even if they wouldn't be interested in a longer/deeper relationship. Just like in any relationship (casual, friendly, intimate, romantic, play partners, whatever) a lot depends on what YOU want.

It seems from some of your earlier words that you'd like a relationship where you've got a lot of sweater wearing opportunities. Depending on your local community, you might find that an online D/s dynamic would fit best with your parenting responsibilities?

There are several "parenting while kinky" threads here on the Cage, and more on other forums like FetLife, so you might want to search for those... There's a lot of advice and btdt experience available (from babysitters/hotel visits to white noise machines/quiet kinks to subtle play ideas that you can do in front of anyone)! I'd suggest being pretty hardcore about your privacy and your boundaries in order to protect your parent-child relationship, but other than that... Be creative and have fun!

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Jan 17, 2020

this talk of sweaters is making me twitchy and itchy; if wool, this would be a good torture device.
“a lot of sweater wearing time” haha
fun and apt descriptor

relationships are unique to those involved. a decision to form a dynamic is consensual to all, hopefully, compatible parties. communication and negotiation, etc.

zash • Jan 17, 2020

Thanks