Question for both submissives and dominants about communication

A new submissive

DesireDomination​(sub male) • Sep 4, 2019

Goddess

I try to be respective at all times and show the dominant women for whom I communicate with the respect they so rightly deserve.

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Sep 17, 2019

A letter format without the mention of play or being forward is my choice.

I ignore if it doesn't fit my choice. Block if undesirable.

On Fetlife my DMs are from friends so it is much more of a social tone.

Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

SubSided​(sub female) • Sep 17, 2019

I email as if I'm a cognizant human being who deserves reverence and respect until such time as there is an agreed upon exchange of control.

Even then, I sure as heck expect to be respected and I shall be respectful in return.

No one is owed respect. It is earned and achieved through a demonstration of respect and equality despite the fact that a power exchange could take place.

PrinceLaurentLASub​(sub male){None at th} • Apr 10, 2020

As a sub who spent many years as Dom then switch, I think Schrodingers was on the money. While always respectful, i don't expect to sub in casual online conversation with a Domme that i am not in some form of relationship with. Whoa to the Dom who insists i be their slave on the first online "date". Since i don't sub online, most conversation is designed to honestly find a Dominant in Southern California to service /play with a few times a month.Ongoing relationships deepen the experience and allow both of us broaden our kinky horizons. It is just as amazing on the sub side how many do not read a profile to understand that i don't want a LD relationship nor want to online finsub. When intelligence and respect is exercised, you can expect to meet and acquire the best friends and playmate.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 10, 2020

Respect in communicating is essential. It builds trust both ways and without it, you end up with communication break-down.
Your second example almost sounds like a switch from what you describe?? (shrug) Just a guess. Maybe there are some unexplored tendencies there. But regardless, there needs to be basic human respect from one person to another. I have received messages from a few people who think it's ok to "Dom" me without even knowing me. I can't be emphatic enough when I say, just because I am a sub does not make me everyone's sub. I didn't put my BDSM scores on my profile for a reason. I am more than a list of percentages. People look at those and assume they know you, and your preferences. They don't and I shit-you-not... these are actual first contact messages I have received from people.... "Hello little slut", and let's not forget my favorite....."Did you know there are 469 ways I can kiss your body?". Neither person had ever spoken to me before. Neither knew ANYTHING about me outside of my profile, but both were willing to assume this behavior was ok. It's just not. I blocked the guy who started out by calling me a slut, and replied to kissy-boy with, "Has that line ever ACTUALLY worked for you?" And laughed my ass off.
Now, I need to qualify this... these instances are the exception and not the rule. 95% of the time someone messages me, they are more than polite and simply ask to get to know me, or comment on a post and strike up a conversation. Those I am happy to receive and reply to, but I feel your frustration Vortexa. There are some that could use a lesson in basic manners. I am happy it's not the majority.

ATL Alpha Dom Daddy​(dom male) • Apr 10, 2020

As a Male Dom initiating contact, I'm always polite but firm, using please and thank you and you're welcome. I'm not really into "small talk" and I never press for answers until she agrees to provide them and I ask for permission before asking personal questions. I usually allow 48 hours for an initial response and then 24 hours for a reply after she has agreed to continue.
Supposedly we are all adults here.....if you are not interested or serious about this, then be polite enough to say so.....you will not hurt my feelings. My reply to a "not interested" has been consistent - thank you for reading my profile and I hope you find what you're looking for. No answer at all is akin to telling me to "fuck off"....at that point the bridge is burnt and you can kiss my ass.

Dellydoodah​(neither female) • Apr 10, 2020

Don't you just love those copy and pastes 'Hey babe wanna play'
I am always ( usually) polite but seems these people cannot take it when you confront them.
Any relationship should start of with a simple greeting even. If they're too lazy to try to get to know you then they sure ain't going to put any effort into a relationship. even if that relationship is simply as friends.
And how do you get to know each other?
Communication!!

Re: Question for both submissives and dominants about commun

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 11, 2020

Let's break it down.

First, subs and doms are still people. You're not entitled to any kind of behaviour any more then they are. You said you EXPECT behaviour. Well, I expect people to be human.

There's a number of factors why someone might be impatient, stressed, not in the mood, snappy, etc. Maybe someone is depressed and tries not to snap but is still tense. Maybe there's other events in the day that have to be seen too, which might be uncomfortable to talk about. Maybe when someone is being "more of the other side", be it sub or dom, there's a good reason for that. Which you are unaware of.

I, as a sub, don't EXPECT a dom to just "act dom". Even after communication. What I expect is for people to struggle and for mistakes to happen. I, as a sub, have to lead by example and be casual instead of acting too serious. I get other subs to engage with me. They want to act more dom with me. In good ways. I do the same back with them. There's a reason for this. short answer is I'm better at getting people to remain interested and communicate about things (the simply logic of make it about me so I can make it about you is so often overlooked on first contact). People want to be respected, but do we really respect the other person back? There's a number of factors at play Good intentions can be as much of a problem as foul intent. And often people are more selfish then they are fair, even if they believe otherwise. This is a topic in and of itself, so I'm going to skip over that. Suffice to say it's often something not discussed enough. And I for one encourage such talks sooner rather then later. The real danger has always been leaving situations too long until they get out of hand.

But getting back to this sub. There could be other reasons. Maybe the time you spent online wasn't as fun as it could have been. Which you are as responsible for as much as they are (eg: Was you interesting enough to them). People get tense and on edge when that happens. this can easily lead to situations where interest might be lacking yet could still be desired. And people tend to struggle bringing up topics like that. Maybe your expectations pressured them. Ones placed without agreement. Or maybe they did agree and got in over their head or had a bad day. How much of this have you considered? Or, did you not keep them in mind?

All of that is overwhelming at a first glance. But once broken down it gets easier to narrow down the problems.

Now, is we're talking about "being controlling and acting dom" from subs, I as a sub, HAVE to take the lead in situations at times. I refuse to be taken advantage of. I can give full control, sure, but trust is established. My needs must be met. And I'd want a dom to follow my lead at times. to give me the benefit of the doubt in the interest of fun. This is especially important in the "early days" or settling in. Go with the flow with me and I'll do the same with you. Make sure I have fun and I'll make sure you do too. Simple enough concept. There can be a lot of technical details but at the core it's a simple matter of "Make it about me here. I'll make it about you there." Give and take still applies even in D/s relationships. Sometime it's just not possible to do things "at the same time" and you have to cycle between each other.

I find that consistency is key. The time must be made for both people (and more if that applies). The effort must be made for each other. When too much time has passed and the consistent pattern is broken it tends to result in less effort. And then people have to get back into the pattern. It's important to "kickstart" things. Even if you might not currently feel like it. But after people take the plunge more often then not things work out. Provided negative factors (like feeling depressed at the time) aren't at play. Feeling drained after work can be more tricky. Both depression and tiredness can share the same symptom. Getting used to not making the effort if it continues for a while. Which in turn results in lack of effort. Out of habit perhaps. Personally I've learned to "flip that switch and try to have fun anyway". 9/10 times I succeed. 'Cus fuck being stuck in a rut. Life is too short for that.

That's me though. Other people can easily doubt their own abilities. And use that as an excuse to not try. regardless of how good or bad one is, always try and improve.

badmonkey​(sub male) • Apr 11, 2020

I always read a profile first before messaging. When I do message it’s always respectful, using any preferred term mention in the profile.

I never message with any expectations, and I just try and be as friendly as possible.

The way I see it, I want to have at least a friendship with whomever I submit to, and I’d like to think they feel the same. That’s not going to happen if either of us start demanding pics or meets right away. It’s just rude.

I totally understand why dommes get short with potential subs because..well us guys can be dicks and it must be really frustrating having folk who don’t read your profile constantly message you.

Basing my experience on other sites but when ever a domme contacts me I am always slightly weary as more often than not they are just interested in cash. But that’s another story.

Re: Question for both submissives and dominants about commun

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 13, 2020

i'm new here and am thrilled to see a thread on communication as i believe it is basic to relationship. Thank You for asking.

To me, and i qualify "to me" because i do not think we can define Dom or sub in concrete, only general, terms, that they are always individual. i believe our attempts to hold people to our definitions of what should be impedes our seeing what actually is, i.e., our absolute attitudes impede communication.

With that prologue, i would agree that the generic response of "private photo request" you received was incredibly rude and mindless, but also revealing. I.e., he communicated that he is a person who foremost wants a 'relationship' based on Your visual appeal to him. he underlined that by not answering any of Your questions. his answer was: "i am not interested or caring enough to answer your questions, you first have to qualify as visually attractive to me, and even then i may not answer your questions... that remains to be seen."

Your second instance of a potential You'd been speaking with online for weeks who suddenly demanded to see you that day? Seems like a pattern? Another guy who wants to 'see' You before he will proceed? i don't want to cater to a stereotype, i.e., that "guys are visual," but there is some truth to that? i think a challenge is finding a guy who is more than skin deep. To me, it always makes sense to recognize and acknowledge reality. Without getting to deep into it, it may make sense to establish visual with potentials early on, if only to get it out of the way so You can move on to discover if there is mental and emotional substance to this person or if there is just visual stimulus response?
As a side note, online meeting has challenges that some have maybe adapted to then others. Anyone who has online dating experience has encountered the dishonesty that many practice of old pics, photo shop, to name a few. The fear some have is not without reason.

i have a sub nature, but i don't wear it completely on my sleeve. It's more like an ice berg, enough on the surface to show it's there, most of it is under the surface. Not a perfect analogy, we're human, not frozen water, eh? lol. For me, it's a learned survival mechanism. i can trace my sub nature back to childhood. i had crushes on Boys, and looking back i can see the ones i had crushes on were often naturally Dom. Of course as kids, we didn't have a clue about D/s. i attracted a lot of bullies too, and i theorize that it was because i was showing to much and was too vulnerable. i learned (consciously and unconsciously) to hide in order to survive. As an adult who has practiced a great deal of honest introspection, i have a fair amount of self knowledge now. i also practice vulnerability as an adult, probably more easily than the average person because it's a conscious effort.

i won't be vulnerable to just anyone, that doesn't make me more or less sub. Being naked (i.e. "vulnerable") is part of my nature, but i am not universally 'naked.' i undress, so to speak, in front of someone i feel a resonance with. You are right, at least with this sub guy, there is always a certain degree of "reverence and respect" i have with all guys. i'm a critical care nurse, and all my guy patients are "sir." i've found it pretty incredible how quickly rapport is established, and my "sir" is genuine, not role play.

i love men in general, but i know i am not a romantic, D/s match for every guy out there. Discovering that takes communication, on both sides. Communication is the biggest hurdle i have encountered. Profiles that have one line, if that much. Guys who do not know their self, are afraid to reveal who they are, or simply do not know how to communicate. i don't believe that we can have healthy or accurate self discovery from only introspection. i believe relationship is the other half of that process of self discovery, that we are revealed in the mirror of relationship. Live with a person for awhile and they'll tell you all your flaws lol. And the reflection we see of ourselves in others is not necessarily accurate, no ones mirror is perfect... "we see through a glass darkly."