Listening to your gut and knowing when to walk away.

Listening to your gut and knowing when to walk away.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 13, 2020

In the recent threads posted there have been a lot of references to people being treated less than respectfully, mine included. One person was asking as a new sub what to look for and I think this is an important question, but it's not all in just what you look for and what is presented to you. First I want a balance in perspective when it comes to the people who are treating others less than respectfully. I am not trying to condone their behavior, but we have to remember that ANYONE..... you, me, the neighbor, the old lady down the street...… ANYONE who is alive and breathing has the potential to treat people less than respectfully. We can approach this from a perspective of how to avoid a stereotype, but not everyone is going to fit one specific stereotype. I think a better tactic is some deep introspection.

1. Knowing yourself well. - What are your triggers? What makes you upset or unsettled? How do you talk yourself down when you are really worked up? Where do you need to draw a line to keep not just yourself safe, but others around you? Can you share these things with others?

2. Be brutally honest WITH YOURSELF, not just others.- It's easy to tell someone else what they are doing wrong or that they should change a behavior, but can you do this for yourself first? Get your house in order, only then can you help them with theirs. You will be infinitely more effective and credible.

3. Be ready to say no when you may not want to. - When we find a connection we like, we tend to operate looking through "rose colored glasses" at first.
Are you making allowances you wouldn't normally make? *HUGE RED FLAG! BACK YOURSELF UP AND EXAMINE WHY* I'm not saying don't do new things... simply that you need to know why you are making the exceptions. If they aren't good reasons or they are compromising your values and beleifs, BE RESPECTFUL BUT PULL THE PLUG.

4. Know what kind of connection you are looking for. Some look for the casual. Some look for the serious. Some look for the ridiculous. Know what kind of relationship you want this to be. If you are unsure about this,...……. for yourself and for the other person, don't start ANYTHING until you are clear on this.

How long have you really known the person you are interacting with, *and perhaps more important* How much time do you spend communicating and what is the quality of the communication? Is the communication one sided? Is this person asking for pictures before they know something about you as a person? Are they just giving you a list of demands to follow or asking you the "Interview questions"?

All humans 1- are wired to seek connection in many forms, and 2- have built in warnings and indicators to tell us when something isn't quite right. I'm not saying we can read minds or should start assuming absolutes, but we can read people and their behavior through the way they communicate even online. A respectful person is going to treat everyone with respect regardless of the type of interaction without compromising their values and beleifs.
Ultimately we can't control what others decide to do or how they react. We can only control how we act and respond. Good relationships of any kind take time and patients to build. If they can't be patient and open with you, then it is very likely you will end up hurt.

On the flip side, someone who IS interested in you and treating you respectfully is going to look at you as a whole person and not just someone servicing a need.

Love, thank you for reminding me of this by doing nothing more than being yourself. Don't ever change. You are incredible as you are.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 14, 2020

Bumping for those that need it

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 14, 2020

Thank you MissBonnie.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 15, 2020

This is a fantastic post! Let's dive in...



Yes. This. Know your triggers, know when *you* might lose your cool on another. We all have the capacity to "lose it", especially when we're stressed out. Recognize it, own it, step back and cool off. We, as a species, make horrible mistakes when we're stressed or upset. We can hurt others, we can hurt ourselves so easily.



Again, yes. We so often delude ourselves by failing to take personal inventory of our own crap. It's not easy to look at ourselves objectively, but it's so worth it.



This is some of the best advice on the matter I've heard. Give yourself permission to say "NO". I get it, it's fun, exciting, thrilling and new.... so is skydiving, but if you haven't been properly trained and equipped it ends very badly!

Which brings us to....



Good God, yes. Some subs enter this lifestyle like a kid in a candy shop. Everything is so new, and wonderful and the aroma of the whole place is fantastic, and they don't know what they want, so they try *everything*. Here's the problem: some of the candies have poison in them, some have razors, some have allergens. They all look so inviting, and so delicious. So when in their eagerness to explore and experience, they scoop up everything in reach -- it ends *badly*. It's OK not to know what you want. Be smart about *finding out what you want* See #1 above: Know yourself.

Likewise, a new, inexperienced dom enters the arena, and he's like an over-eager puppy, knocking over everything in his path, breaking things, and falling down the stairs. For the love of God, *STOP*, relax, there's time. Take the time to learn about yourself more.

For everyone new: Slow down, smell the candy shop, read the ingredients, watch the process by which they're made, try to understand that maybe you might not like nuts, or cherries. Learn to stay away from the razors and poisons. * The candies will still be there after you've done your research and self-assessments.

* Yes, yes.. you might like razors or poisons... Fugu, (pufferfish), is an amazing dish. It also contains one of the most virulent toxins on the planet, and when not prepared correctly, you just simply die. This is not something a new chef plays around with. It takes years of training and experience to prepare it properly. So it is with some BDSM activities. Understand the risks and understand yourself so that you can properly assess how much risk you're willing to take on.

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--Rich

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 15, 2020

*For everyone new: Slow down, smell the candy shop, read the ingredients, watch the process by which they're made, try to understand that maybe you might not like nuts, or cherries. Learn to stay away from the razors and poisons. * The candies will still be there after you've done your research and self-assessments.*

I wish I had listened to this advice years ago. It's not just applicable to this life style, but with any personal relationship. It would have saved me and others from a lot of heartache. We start with the best of intentions, but that won't help us maintain healthy boundaries if we don't understand ourselves first.

There are the HNG's of the world but this is a mindset that anyone can slide in and out of. Maybe this is the counselor in me speaking here, but people who slide in and out of this mindset are still people. Insecure, to be certain, but still people. Why would someone string along others with dishonesty if not for the fact that they don't believe that the real "them" is unacceptable. So they try to be what they think others want to fill a void. Their void.
Someone willing to do this can often justify it in their own heads but at the end of the day, they are incredibly lonely because no one really knows them. They are too afraid to allow that.

Ok..... I'm stepping off my soapbox now.
@ Skyrich… I always enjoy your honesty and support. You are a Gem.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 15, 2020

That should have read, " If not for the fact that they DO believe they are unacceptable."
I hate auto correct.

No Body​(dom male) • Apr 15, 2020

I would add on to this but when you get it right you don't mess with it. Well done! Now to Drag few few dip shits in here to read it.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 15, 2020

Thanks SR.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 20, 2020

Shamelessly reposting.....