Can your identity change?

Can your identity change?

switch101​(switch male) • May 1, 2020

I used to see myself as a switch but after being in dom-sub relationship where I was the sub, I feel like I'm more of a sub now, I liked being controlled by someone and submitting to them, I liked the concept of being punished of I misbehave.

So my question is, is it possible that I changed in these few months? Or am I just living the illusion that I changed because how good I felt in the relationship?

House Talion​(dom male) • May 1, 2020

Its possible youve changed, but it's also possible youve simply learned more about yourslef through new experiences.

Also dont forget the 'auto-switch', or whatbi call the Clapper. That's when you automatically switch without knowing, based on something you might not even notice

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 1, 2020

Wow, love this question.

i ascribe to the spectrum theory on sexuality and believe it is multidimensional and fluid. Having said that, i think there are parts of us that are more static than others? (all anecdotal and speculative on my part).

i grew up in a conservative religious culture that conditioned me to believe homosexuality is a "sin" and the result of a "fallen" or "broken nature." i believed it, whole heartedly and wanted to please "God" (or my ideas of God), i believed it so thoroughly that i spent most of my life trying to change, starting at about age 14. i remember standing up in church at 19 and "confessing" that i am sexually attracted to guys. my future wife was even there, yet she still married me two years later. None of us really knew what my being gay meant, we believed it was just brokenness. my life was daily, often hourly, torture (not the good kind, for you S/m peeps).

i could go on, it was a lifetime of stuff, but my point is, i was very motivated to change my identity, and couldn't. i cannot convey in a few paragraphs the daily hell i went through sincerely trying to change. i was able to function as an apparently straight guy. To this day, the only people who know i am gay are those i tell (i.e., i am not stereotypically 'gay'). i even was able to find some pleasures and happiness. i have awesome kids, i love/loved my former wife. Looking back on my marriage relationship, i compare it to a prison relationship, kind of like how some straight guys have sex and relationships with men in prison because that's all that is available. i don't think my wife was the 'prison,' but my beliefs, though she didn't help (she was convinced i am broken too).

When i finally realized i was not going to change and accepted myself, i lost everything, but gained peace and happiness. i'm one of the happier people i know.

Sorry, long story, but i do think there are some things about our identity that can change, and others that are unlikely too. i don't think it's a yes or no answer. i think what is more important is to understand how to know your self and "to thine own self be true."

No Body​(dom male) • May 1, 2020

I have seen a bull of a man turn to mush over a woman's touch. I myself in a blind range have been calmed by a few words of a friend. You never know what will happen or how you will change till the right person come along. Enjoy your new life and embrace it with everything you are.

Re: Can your identity change?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 1, 2020

I just read your profile. Your Egyptian, 20 and that might actually carry a little weight in my answer. Being submissive can often be seen as weak by those not understanding. Submissive males are (for the most) anything but weak. Culture and upbringing can create a whole set of circumstances that form, who we think we are, rather than who we actually are.

Your country doesn't have a high view of BDSM to begin with, it also somewhat male dominated in the non BDSM way. How much of your culture, upbringing, male role models etc have formed who you are, rather than who YOU wish to be?

Are you 100% sure being a switch is you? or is being a switch a little less worse, than being a submissive in a culture that looks down on it? Are you choosing the lesser of "two evils" because it was/is an easier choose to make. Being a "switch" your not as bad in your cultures eyes as a submissive...to a woman!

Saying the above, I'm not saying your "submissive" as only YOU can answer that. YOU need to listen yourself, feel what is inside and run with it. There is nothing written anywhere that says if you go Submissive, you can never go back to switching. You're 20 explore your sexuality. You don't need to set anything in stone. Your not a soup can that needs a label. Explore the real you, be true to you (just of course do so safely)

switch101​(switch male) • May 1, 2020

Thank you all your responses helped me alot.

Tallslenderguy, I really feel your story as being into BDSM here in an Islamic country is not easy. I hope you can have a very happy life

Missbonnie, thank you for reading my profile that made your advice really personalised and helpful. I feel like you you read my mind better than I can hear it. I will really think about what you said.