Why are men scared?

DangerouslySafe​(sadist male) • May 31, 2020

It sounds like this has caused you some hurt and frustration. That is never fun to deal with but i think you have the right idea in searching for answers. Everyone has bad experiences and gaining understanding that helps you grow is best thing that comes from them.

Azzabackam​ and tallslenderguy​ both stated things that I agree with and hit on some of my first thoughts. It could be that he got scared but it could be a different emotion or logical thought that made him leave. I don't know enough about the situation to narrow down what I think might have triggered his response but I will say that two people talking about 1 topic can have very different definitions ,thoughts, emotions, etc on that topic or kink. Its important to define and understand kinks or activities so that any ambiguity is removed. It also it is very important to understand how someone's personality plays into that activity as it's been defined. There is a very big risk to spanking someone if expectations, desires and personalities are not understood. If your reaction was to cry because it hurt, which for you means "I really like this," and he expected extreme excitement, then that could make him panic or rethink the situation. It could be if you got super excited wanting more of a beating and his full idea of spanking was a few smacks on the ass then this too could cause him feel overwhelmed and to rethink the situation. Sometimes you can click with a partner very quickly where it seems you are just naturally on the same page but in my opinion this doesn't happen often and it is almost impossible to connect this way with text messages alone because body language and voice inflection say as much if not more than words alone. I would also suggest taking some time in a vanilla meet up as first meeting.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 26, 2020

Wow, some wonderful and insightful input on this thread. i'm grateful for so many of you here. Lot's to consider and add to ones bank of understanding.

i'll come from a different angle. What you describe sounds to me like a 'hook-up.' Even though you texted for a couple of weeks, it doesn't sound like you actually met before your scenario?

i consider anything that involves physical connection arranged over the internet to be a hook up. At least, the first time with that person. i don't think i have ever met a person in person who was the same as i saw or imagined them while writing back and forth online. It's just different, for both parties i believe. The energy one feels in writing can be different than the energy one feels in person. How do you really know what he was feeling was "fear?" He could have been feeling so many things, as many posts on this thread suggest.

i'd suggest that if you want better results, that you do a vanilla meet as a first step? Coffee, tea, a walk in the park. If you click, that can be a sort of foreplay. my best physical connections have been with people i have been with more than once. Think about the first time you ever had sex? Was it all you dreamed of? my first time, i completely missed the vagina. Yep, didn't get in and didn't have a clue because, well, it was my first time and she had to tell me i hadn't quite hit the target. It definitely got better for all parties concerned after that, but it also involved feedback and listening.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 26, 2020

There isn't really enough context here to make a definitive statement. If this is really all there is to it, then I'd say you don't know enough about this guy to deduce what happened to make him run. A lot of people here have proposed very likely scenarios for what could've happened, bu the best way to figure it out is to ask him.

Maybe years of social/religious conditioning kicked in and he freaked out over how "wrong" he's been taught this is.

Maybe it was his first scene and he got overwhelmed.

Maybe he's married/otherwise engaged, and suddenly realized his SO would wonder where he was, or had an attack of conscience for cheating.

Whatever it was, there's only one way to find out. Ask him.

navesub​(sub male) • May 26, 2020

He was probably scared of the reality of his fantasies actually taking place.
Personally my eyes would light up...I would never run!

Dellydoodah​(neither female) • May 26, 2020

Maybe you just plum wore him out and he went to lie down for a week?

NerdyViking​(dom male) • May 26, 2020

I’ll say this I respond to outside stimulus even during sex. Like I had a girl who liked being spanked hard like she had me take my belt off and spank her with it. My dog (who hates baths) climbed in the tub trying to hide from me because he thought I was angry. So it’s something I’m willing to do but not too crazy cause I’m not traumatizing my pet for my pleasure or yours. So maybe something in his head got to him and he was just not down for it anymore.

Sasa​(dom female) • May 26, 2020

why should men be less afraid than women? Be patient, probably he's simply new, liked it and backed out for a reason. If you have the possibility and he's a nice one, talk and try again. Unfortunately it's not always working between the kinky and the vanilla world, but there nothing to loose

Bunnie • May 26, 2020

I tend to agree with dollMaker on this one. In fact I think he absolutely nailed it.

Social conditioning can be a very difficult hurdle for men to overcome to embrace this aspect of themselves. It breaks my heart to watch this struggle. It makes it even more difficult because there is then the added pressure of being expected to “take charge” from the moment they step into this realm. There’s a lot of hidden pressures that exist I think, and at times I feel sadness at the unfairness of it. However, we each have our struggles. Anyway... my point is, as pointed out above, this felt to me too that this could be the struggle he’s experiencing internally, and it may be a difficult thing for him to admit to. I also agree that perhaps a little understanding from a perspective you may not have considered, could help to go a long way.

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 26, 2020

I suspect years of social, and or religious conditioning kicked in, 'hitting women is wrong', and those feeling overwhelmed him with self loathing, hatred that he enjoyed it etc, and leaving was easier than melting down over it. There is a lot of pressure, often self created to be the strong alpha no emotions type and looking weak, struggling over stuff like this ruins the subs ideal of how a dom should be, destroys the energy and maybe even the subs ability to submit to that dom. That is loaded with potential difficulty, but thats a whole topic unto itself.

In my early days, when I was more into traditional bdsm, I struggled over my enjoying using toys, or my hand on a subs body. It did not matter that the sub consented, that both of us wanted the activity, the voice that screamed loudly was the one that condemned me for inflicting impact, pain on a woman, I was a monster because I enjoyed it, I was one of those men.

Of course this was all self generated bs, I was not one of those men, but the struggles, the challenges were very real and to a degree paralysing. It took me a long time to relax, and allow myself to enjoy that type of play, to know it was ok, to reconcile the social conditioning to the subs desire to experience the impact, pain, their consent for it.


I never fled a scene but I can see how someone might. I was vulnerable and open about my struggles and that for me, helped, I felt it important to be honest and frank about these struggles, and those early days subs helped me chart these feelings, thoughts, emotions. In those early days guilt and self loathing came along with dom drop, which was hard enough to deal with, but with help and support I was able to become more at ease with myself and what I was doing, and in time it was ok to enjoy it.

Of course none of the above in this case may apply, but it just might, so some understanding and sympathy might be better than annoyance. I would ask what happened and see if there is enough in your connection to help this person to chart their own path through their struggles, if that is the case. If you dont want to do that, thats fair, and doesn't make you a bad person. For myself I am very grateful to those early subs in my journey, who gave me a chance, and helped me through my struggles.

Re: Why are men scared?

Richard Girard • May 26, 2020

He did not even have you stand or kneel in the corner for a while ?? Must of been new to him, did not know how to follow up. Meet for lunch or dinner a few times before having someone know where you live.