BDSM in Marriage- no more vanilla!

BDSM in Marriage- no more vanilla!

mArRiEdKiNkLiFe • Jul 5, 2020

Hi, I'm reaching out to people new and vetted in the bdsm community just wanting to make friends. I'm a submissive wife, NEW to this. My husband is my one and only dom. I knew for years I had submissive traits. Not just in the bedroom but with my servitude to my husband, crazy thing is I am a very take charge person in my other aspects of life. My dom/husband just makes me want to pass over full control to him and I love it. It's a release for me, a stress relief. My husband hasnt recognized his dom traits as naturally as I have with my sub traits. Hes dived right into research.

We are still consenting and working on this dynamic. We have only had a few bedroom scenes, the rest is verbal throughout the day. We spend a lot of time communicating, but I am having one problem... mixing our two dynamics. One where we are D/s the next where we are husband/wife. I need my husband time too. Where we are just our normal boring selves(in or out of the bedroom...no rules, no permissions, no Daddy talk). How do you married D/s relationships mesh the two... ps we have kids.

We discussed one D/s scene per week, but my husband wants to know how to work in punishment without a full on scene work up? I have consented to outside the bedroom rules that would need enforced punishment if broken. Also, is it okay to be in a D/s relationship and still have time set a side in the bedroom to just be husband/wife?

Any advice for engaging in D/s activities as a married couple with kids would be greatly appreciated.

Zedland​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2020

Well welcome and such.

I have never been married my advice is a little limited but one of the things I like to do is assign my sub a nickname. When I use that nickname she knows we are D/s with all that entails. And when I use her 'proper' name we are just boring old whoever. Bonus, even if someone overhears us they just assume I have a pet name for my girlfriend.

As for setting aside time to be just man and wife. Of course you can. There is no truly 'right' way to conduct your relationship (though interestingly there are definite wrong ways to do so). If you want something say so, you seem to have the communication down and that is really the key.

Now rules and punishments outside the bedroom that will go unnoticed by the children, that is actually the easy answer. A punishment is just that, a punishment. An activity designed to correct behavior, as such it does not need to be so kinky and elaborate thing. Say you hate wearing socks, then that is your punishment.

daddys naughtygirl​(sub female) • Jul 5, 2020

Hi,

I’m going to be honest here and sorry if it sounds weird but it’s like you plucked this right out of my head as our situation is so similar.

Me and my husband are new to this too, we also have kids. I’ve always been a bit submissive but like your husband mine hasn’t recognised his Dom traits as naturally.

We don’t want D/s relationship all the time and want “normal” husband/wife time. I’ve requested rules to follow and jobs to be done during the day as I need structure, if these are not done a punishment is to follow. We have a mix of sexual (such as orgasm denial for a week) and non sexual punishments (such as reduced reading time as that’s what I spend most of my free time doing) there are others punishments. I feel these don’t need a full scene work up, I just need to be told that it’s a punishment to be in the right mindset. I feel doing it this way we can be “normal” husband/wife most of the time but can easily go in to D/s side of the relationship.

I like Zedland’s idea of a specific nickname for D/s side of the relationship.

The thing we’re finding hardest is when to work in a scene as hubby is usually too tired after work during the week and the kids are a nightmare at bedtimes on the weekends. We’re going to try to do two a month and add more the more comfortable/ confident my husband gets with his Dom side .

Hope this makes sense and helps just a little bit. Feel free to message me and chat and maybe help each other work this out.

mArRiEdKiNkLiFe • Jul 5, 2020

Daddys naughtygirl,

So one thing that we do that I find helpful is we use two separate ways to text. So, we spend a lot of our work days texting each other, but we use text messages(sms) for our pet names, erotica chat and then we use Facebook messenger for our normal everyday "what's for dinner" chat. I like the suggestion of using our pet names outloud, even in public when he wants me to be in submissive mode.

Now let me tell you something we tried that was a total FAIL for me. I was due a bedroom punishment one night but we didn't want to turn it into a whole scene... husband requested to have some husband/wife sex following the punishment. He really wanted me on top. So, I agreed, we started off with me presenting myself(not sure if you do this but my husband has a certain way he wants me when he enters the room for a scene- usually naked, with lip gloss on, and on my knees)... anyways, punishment was carried out... okay great, but now he wants wife sex, and wife on top. That's where it went wrong. I could NOT switch my role. It caused an emotional crash. I went from head space to crash in 1.2 seconds. He thought he was the problem, so he hopped up and got a little pissy with me. It ended with a long conversation about my feelings and some aftercare before going to bed. I cannot be his goodgirl and wife in the same night when it comes to bedroom play.

Overall, I've never been happier with my husband, but also I'm never been happier with myself. How can bondage help make a person feel free? Ironic, isn't it??

LatexHer​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2020

It is difficult to have a D/s relationship out of the bedroom when children are involved, but not impossible. As a Dom for over 40 years, I have many friends who are in similar situations as you.
How can a Dom assert his control and Domination over a willing subject without the knowledge or questions coming from ever inquisitive kids?

The answers I have found are actually quite simple. Here are some of the many suggestions other friends and I have used to assert Domination over our slaves

Orders Are:

1. Floors must be cleaned on hands and on her knees.
2. Dishes are to be always washed by hand.
3. Bra cups may be lined with plastic wrap, to increase awareness.
4. Panties must be full (Granny Type) and may be further enforced by crotch rope, or leather harness.
5. Pussies and or assets may be plugged.
6. She may be instructed to wear tight girdles, or rubber panties under her pants or dresses - even to work.
7. Kneeling next to the husband chair, Not many kids ask questions about this simple act.
10. Electronic dog collars can be modified to fit around the waist, or better yet with a crotch strap on her sex. Ouch, instant obedience !
11. She can be ordered to wear diapers, plastic panties, or rubber under her clothes - even to work. Owner may stop bye to confirm.
12. Remote Controlled Vibes can be used, and work well as a quick reminder of her servitute.
13. Custom locking wristlets are seen, and explained away as jewelry to young children, and to most adults.
14. Genital and nipple piercings enforce slavery.
15. SLAVE tattoos on her body - are permanent reminders. Many owners enjoy placing these on her pussy, or around her tits.
16. Vaseline can be used inside plastic pants to help increase her suffering when gobbed on her pussy and ass.
17. Some have used nettles, itching powder or products like BenGay, HotCold to torment her inside her bra or panties.
18. Modern Chastity belts can be easily worn - not the cheap china ones please - think of her comfort.
19. She can be instructed to begin CORSET training
20. A nice hard spanking, caning, or whipping enforces her slavery and provides a day or more of reminder of her position as slavegirl.

These are just some of the many little diabolical requirement that can be used for slave/submissive women around children and work. Here are some for stay at home ladies, or older women with no children in the home.

1. Chastity belt and bra. Form fit - no cheapies.
2. Severe daily corset training, Tight lacing!
3. Wearing full latex rubber catsuits, rubber uniforms, or neoprene outfits.
5. Being chained to the kitchen, bedroom, and ordered to work in chains, nude, or dressed in whatever her owner desires.
6. Cum eating, swallowing deep throat blow jobs at owners orders.
7. Locking butt plugs, blow up pussy plugs, catheters, force feeding, enemas, etc.
9. Caging - either during the day, overnight, with or without clothing.
10. Mandatory rubber or leather punishment hood wearing.
11. Collar and leash.
12. Gags, - penis, ball, mouth, o-ring - never a sheve.
13. Force feeding nasties, and or eating off the floor or out of dog trays.
14. Not being allowed to use makeup. Or having all hair removed - bald forced to wear wigs.
15. Nightly spankings, whipping, flogging - Harsh!
16. Multiple pussy piercings - with slave tag!
17. Hours spent in bondage, and restraints.
18. Intense hours of forced climaxes or weeks of denial.
19. Humiliation, degradation, objectification, public display, urine drinking, multiple partners use.lending her out to friends to be punished and used.
20. Needles, electric shocks, hot wax, suffocation, mummification, mechanical milkers, fucking machines, and more!


Of course All adult play of the harsher types may your her - respect those limits or chance losing your loving lady!

daddys naughtygirl​(sub female) • Jul 5, 2020

Hello mArRiEdKiNkLiFe

I like the idea of the two separate messaging platforms, will talk to my husband about it tonight.

I can understand it being confusing going from a punishment as a sub to then sex as the wife not the sub. We haven’t tried anything like that yet so not sure how it would affect me but definitely worth thinking about, thank you for sharing.

We have discussed me presenting in a certain way if it’s for a scene (similar to yours kneeling in panties) so we can get in to the right head space for the scene and switch in to our D/s roles. I think if I was to do this just for punishment it would be hard to get back to the wife head space after.
I have suggested that any sexual/impact punishments be carried out before bed as it will be easier when the kids are in bed, non sexual ones can be anytime of the day.

It is ironic that bondage makes you feel free. I’m hoping that when my husband gets more confident with his Dom nature he will be willing to try more rope bondage. It just feels nice (is that weird to say)

Zedland​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2020

No dng it is not weird that BDSM makes you feel free. It is the whole point. That and the kinky sex.

There is one more bit of advice I thought of. Hiding your equipment. Kids are curious and you don't want to explain why you have a harness now do you. For a few hundred bucks however you can get a piece of furniture with a hidden and preferably locked compartment.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Jul 5, 2020

I am new to having a master/fiancee, but I get the need for distinction especially when kids are around. Even with that, I would question the need to hold the two titles as "roles" vs being two elements that make up who you are. As Latexher aptly pointed out, just because you are outside the bedroom doesnt mean you have to stop being the sub/slave. Likewise, just because you are tied down with rope or kneeling in front of him doesn't mean you are any less his wife. I would encourage looking at it through a lense of less structure vs more structure rather than wife vs sub/slave. It IS ok to be both all the time....... because they BOTH make up who you are.
Rich has more experience in this area than I do...... I am going to ask him to chime in. I am curious to see what he will add.

LatexHer​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2020

In the lifestyle we are in or want - NOTHING is weird! People who never indulge in their desires and fantasies are the weird ones. They will go through life never knowing the full pleasures of their choices!

Once you choose to be a sub - it no longer matters if you are a wife, or mother. You will always be a sub! How you react to sex or your inner desires to serve is up to you. I know of one older couple in which his slave wife carol always wears a leather hood during sex! ALWAYS, she has been doing it for years as it allows her the feeling of total control. Her Dom husband enjoys looking at her as he likes sex by candlelight wearing her tightly laced on hood, sometimes with gag. While Carol has never liked sex in the light, and enjoys her total darkness confined and often gagged in the hood.
While she was younger they worried about her being loud as she became excited and came, her hood cured some of the problem with the gag. She confided that without the hood on tight, and gag in, she could not achieve her climax while their young children were in the other rooms.
They have been together for over 30 years and have gone through a dozen hoods or more. Today she often falls asleep still wearing her hood after sex.
Her only reflection is that it really is hell on her hair!

Re: BDSM in Marriage- no more vanilla!

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Jul 5, 2020

Welcome! And please, keep asking questions -- we're here to help in any way we reasonably can.



"We spend a lot of time communicating".. This is the basis of all good relationships, and the first and foremost of the BDSM kind. It just doesn't work without communication. So keep that going. You are the right track there.



Perhaps this will help: wife/sub and husband/dom is what you ARE. Kinky things, punishments, etc, are what you DO. There's a difference and it's an important one. I have to agree with my girl. Try a new perspective here. Not husband/wife vs dom/sub, but instead as "less structure/informal" vs "more structure/formal". You can certainly have both, just not at the same time. You can go to a formal dinner party and an informal luncheon in the same day. You just can't do both at the same time. So it is with this. It may take you some time to swap between these perspectives, (as you've already discovered), but that is normal, natural, and to be expected. It does take time to change clothes and mindset to attend the one party and then the other. The thing here is, you are still husband and wife for *BOTH* parties. You just take on a different role, (slightly), for each.

The notion of pet names or distinct messaging channels can be a helpful crutch, or more than that as well. It really is up to you and your husband. As someone else has said there's no "Right Way(tm)" to do this. Communication, open, and honest is the foundation upon which you and your husband will build the structure that you require and desire.