Online paranoia

Online paranoia

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 19, 2020

Online Paranoia.

i've experienced it in myself and others. With the proliferation of flakes, HNG's and scammers online, i've noticed effects in myself and others. Thought it might be worthwhile to discuss those effects and ways to deal with them?

i'm currently talking to a guy on OKCupid. He has managed to find and push some of my deeper buttons very quickly and early on. i consciously, and once again, am allowing myself to be moved, touched by Him. Experienced a wrinkle yesterday and found myself immediately paranoid, going through a list of cautions and questions in my thoughts and feelings. i had to rein in my feelings and thoughts because, frankly, they were not based on just our interactions, but in a way, on all internet interactions. i am aware of how all the years of searching and disappointments, hurts, have affected me.

Honestly, i feel like i'm probably an easy target as a no longer young, romantic sub gay guy. On the other hand, i cognitively understand that vulnerability is not unique... it's a given to anyone who wants to connect intimately. Where paranoia enters into the equation is in trying to separate the real people from the flakes and scammers. i think it's easy (probable?) to become conditioned and hypersensitive, always having to be on guard against real 'threats,' to the point it may make it easy to dismiss a potentially real connection. That we (i) have conscious and unconscious lists of what constitutes a real person vs flakes or scammers. Lists that have been finely honed, or over sensitized, a result of the countless encounters with the wrong people.

i don't even know if it's possible to be less sensitive without sacrificing the openness and vulnerability i cherish and i find intrinsic to connecting with another? Finding relationship seems such a dangerous dance.

This is turning into a ramble.

Would love to hear other members thoughts and feelings on this from this wonderful community.

XRaven​(dom female) • Jul 19, 2020

It's natural to feel paranoid on the internet; you're unable to see the typical social cues that would be present if you were to talk to him face-to-face. If someone catches my attention enough to pursue more than just a passing conversation, I simply try to get to know them on a personal level as much as one can from this venue. Be honesta and don't be afraid to show a bit of vulnerability while getting to know someone -- just as you would in real life -- but don't get too attached until you figure out if this person is someone you could potentially trust.

If you do decide to meet him, preferably after this pandemic, I would suggest going to public places until you feel comfortable enough to meet in private. Munches are always a good place to meet purely because it's an informal venue and you can see how he interacts with other people. If you know someone there, you can even ask your friend his opinion about the guy.

If something is setting off any type of red flags, stop, and move on. There will be others.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 19, 2020

"If something is setting off any type of red flags, stop, and move on. There will be others."

Thank you for sharing your thoughts XRaven.

A fun reality of evolution is that all input processes through the amygdala, the seat of our emotions, before venturing to our 'higher' lobes of reason. Of course, it all happens in a split second, but i think for most of us (whether we like to admit it or not) are more swayed by feeling than cognition. Which is not to suggest i think our feelings cannot be influenced by thought and reason, but feelings can sure as hell kick against reason.

An issue i have with "paranoia" is discovering and seeing when it's justified or not? Given the sometime unreasonable nature of paranoia, i don't think what i sometimes perceive as a"red flag" is always accurate or trustworthy.

Case in point, the above referenced guy. This guy has gotten under my skin, and i am feeling all sorts of giddy hope (which automatically makes me feel cautious). He said He was going to write a response yesterday to a fairly lengthy set of comments and questions, and He didn't. Which resulted in "red flags" and all sorts of paranoid feelings in me. So, i reined myself in and wrote:

"Your profile says you value candor. You wrote earlier on that you are sapiosexual. me too and i wonder how you see yourself pouring a foundation to build on? Friday night you wrote: "I’ll ponder what you wrote and reply appropriately tomorrow." That didn't happen and leaves me wondering why? i don't want to speculate, so in "candor," i ask?"

Much more level than i was feeling lol. sigh.

He wrote back: "Haha in candor I’m working all weekend as I do a free legal clinic every Saturday and this last one was twice as busy."

Okay, i can reason He was inconsiderate, but the truth is, He probably has little to no idea how under my skin He has gotten is such a short time, He doesn't know me, we've just started talking, so He doesn't know my sensitivity level and how i was checking my email every 5 minutes yesterday for HIs response (lol, yeah, i know, i'm a basket case, but i know that about myself and that helps).

And that is part of the point of my post. Paranoia is subjective. What's a big deal to me may not be to another. When two people don't really even know each other yet, it seems to me that paranoia can be at it's highest, yet at it's least justified point.

wildGurl​(sub female) • Jul 19, 2020

If just everyone would do as they say and say as they do! But I guess that's the allure of an online persona, isn't it? For some it means they can be skinnier than the really are or less bald. It is like their own playpen of make-believe.

I haven't experienced scammers, but I think that usually happens to men. I get the "you are everything I am looking for" and then flat out ghosting or finding very questionable reasons to go from 100 to 0 again and I can only shake my head.

So if there would come around a sane honest guy, I am not even sure I would trust that anymore. It's sad but that's also why nothing can be rushed, especially not online, even more so when it comes to BDSM.

Zedland​(dom male) • Jul 19, 2020

Even a paranoid has enemies. It is easier online for people to affect a cover personality but it is also something that occures in real life. People will smile and lie to get want they want of you and you should be on guard for that. Because trust is not given it is earned and anyone who doesn't understand that will probably betray you.

Just be glad in this community tying someone to a chair and interrogating them is perfectly acceptable...

Sasa​(dom female) • Jul 20, 2020

I'm new here but to say the truth, I've never been in communities were trust is everything and simply everyone is too afraid to give it.
Everybody is talking about fake, raising a finger, pointing out ... but not often in the own direction. If we are hurt we tend to milk the bad feeling a long long time. I did it, I understand it, but hell ... beeing hurt or broken is not a kind of art. It happens and we heal. We heal nonstop. To me love, no matter what kind, is not a quit pro quo. It's a gift and we give it. It's not source that could be emptying if something doesn't work. If you give something away, you usually get more of it... and now the bad news. Also the paranoia is infectious... It really is.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 20, 2020

As an update to my saga, the guy referenced in my post ghosted me last night. i'm guessing he either deleted his profile, or just blocked me, because all our discussion is gone, his profile is gone. Poof.

i think Sasa is right, we all hurt and get hurt. i'm feeling gut punched right now because who and how this guy was, pushed all the 'right' buttons in me, i opened and tumbled despite my reason counseling caution. They were feelings of hope and love.

For better or worse, this has become an all to common event for me, and it would seem i've developed coping mechanisms i guess. i'm hurt, but not confused. i am not going to indulge in imagining all the what's or why's of this, because it would mostly be speculative. i have no idea why he artfully opened me and exposed a deep place he could have connected to and then disappeared. It may not have even been "artful," he could have just been being himself and who he was had that effect on me.

Paranoia can be felt towards nature, eh? The causes for it, the things that can hurt us, don't necessarily have malevolent intent.

The pursuit of connection feels like a high wire performance. Practice, fall, get back up, get back on. It seems part of this involves constructing a net. It won't prevent falls, but maybe can help prevent permanent injury. A net is reasonable caution. Paranoia, it seems to me, would hamper us from getting back on the high wire, or make us tense while trying to walk it.

Balance.

Elly​(sub female) • Jul 20, 2020

I don't have much experience with this type of thing as far as online interactions, but I do relate to that feeling of paranoia in my real life experiences. I struggled, and sometimes still do, with that feeling with my husband. I don't know if this will help, but I think the most important thing to remember is to weigh your paranoia against previously observed patterns.

When paranoia would creep in against my husband, I'd weigh it against every similar interaction we had and always proved my fears wrong. There have been people I have weighed my paranoia against and found it to be accurate, too. Paranoia is a reflex, but what you do with it after the fact is what matters.

If you experience paranoia with someone new or for the first time with someone you're getting to know, stay aware of it, log it, but don't act on it immediately. Patterns are the best indicator of future behavior, so leave room for flukes or miscommunications, but if it happens again, you may have a pattern and a legitimate reason to feel paranoid.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 20, 2020

Wow Elly, i think that's a brilliant and insightful response. It strikes me that it follows how we purportedly evolved. I.e., that our amygdala, the seat of our emotions, was the first part of our brain to develop. All our senses run through that part of our brain (our emotions) before venturing to the higher lobes where reason takes place. Supposedly, processing through feelings first was a survival thing: "oh, saber tooth tiger>fear>run>survive."

i appreciate your response to your husband and your relationship with him. That strikes me as wonderfully mature. We cannot help the way we feel, but we can manage our response to our feelings. A little input as to why i appreciate your response. i was married to a woman for many years who i sincerely loved. She was afraid to believe it, for a variety of reasons, but the result was her disbelief cheated her out of receiving my real love for her and it also ended up doing a number on me over time... it made me doubt and question my love for her.

We all have insecurities, or significant others are usually the ones we are most vulnerable with and too their influence. Our insecurities can be contagious, i think similar to like Sasa pointed out how paranoia can be contagious. i think this can be particularly true in our intimate relationships.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.