I desperately need advice

LadySusweca​(dom trans woman) • Aug 5, 2020

This is going to upset people and that's ok.

First mistake made is drinking so much that you almost black out. Is it respectful to do that at a Dominant's home? It definitely is not allowed in my home, but that is a limit I have.

Second mistake made is trying to argue with a drunk person. The best way to deal with someone like that is to hand them a pillow, a blanket, and a bucket. Tell them the couch is there and please puke in the bucket and not on my floor. Wait til the next day to discuss it when both people are sober. Arguing with a drunk person goes nowhere fast and is usually going to end badly.

Third is to let a drunk person drive home. Go back to the second mistake on how that should have been handled.

To place blame on one or the other person is wrong. It takes two to tango and both made mistakes. They both need to acknowledge where they are wrong and what can be done differently.

Mako Shark​(dom gender fluid){NotLooking} • Aug 5, 2020

"It takes two to tango and both made mistakes."

You're completely right I should have phrased my second reply better. Thanks for posting that.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 5, 2020

"After a day spent drinking with no food or water, ...."

i've never met a reasonable or responsible drunk, daddy or sub. It seems to me that neither of you were in control of your faculties. This is the kinda stuff that happens when people get drunk. i've never heard stories about the brilliant communication and decisions people have made while drunk. i suspect this is why, prior to getting incapcitated, some people arrange things like a designated driver. i think it's a little strange that people are shocked by the irrational behavior of a couple of drunk people.

acquiesced​(sub male) • Aug 5, 2020

You could have slept on the porch, or in your car in his driveway. Just another perspective. I don't think he did the right thing by telling you to leave, but I know people can be pushed and pushed and pushed beyond their ability to think clearly. It is a self defense mechanism. Some people can tolerate a constant attack, and some cannot. You were both in the wrong.

Bunnie • Aug 5, 2020

I apologise... this is going to be harsh.

A question that seems to be being overlooked is, how were you behaving?

I had a friend who couldn’t handle her alcohol. When she got drunk (which was often), she would taunt and tease and bully and attack and verbally and sometimes even physically abuse her partner... trying to get a response out of him. Basically she would push until he responded how she wanted. How do I know? I was there one night and I saw all of this. I also saw him refusing to hit her after she repeatedly told him that she knew he wanted to. So then she mocked him. She pulled out everything she could to hurt him. It was absolutely disgusting. He walked away until she sobered up and then came back... and in that moment I had never had more respect for a man.

So it’s easy to say he’s an ass for telling you to leave... but I learned that night that there’s always the possibility things don’t always appear as they seem.

Perhaps that’s why he kept the recording... to show you how you were behaving. Perhaps this isn’t the first time this has happened and he’s tried reasoning so many times he’s tired. I don’t know. But I’m not quite sure what it is you’re hoping to find here. You want us to tell you he’s a bad person?

Yes he shouldn’t have let you drive. Yes, he should’ve been more responsible.

So should you.

You’re the one who drank that much... and you’re the one who drove. Take some responsibility for yourself.

Perhaps it’s best to thank your lucky stars you didn’t kill anyone, and take this experience as a lesson to learn from.

Sweet Raven​(sub female) • Aug 5, 2020

Thank you all for the replies. Since the weekend, I have not been in a clear enough headspace to be able to articulate my feelings and your replies have helped me to put my thoughts in order about this. I am so grateful for all of you showing such concern for my health and well-being.

individsenior​(sub female) • Aug 5, 2020

It seems to be some information is missing. Was this the first time you were intoxicated and acted in appropriately? The reason I ask is that there are limits to forgiveness. While it is true that a caring Daddy would not let you leave in such as state, your demands for answers, while intoxicated are inappropriate. An intoxicated person cannot be reasoned with; i can understand him pushing you away. Is your memory of the evening correct? I read that you are including a lot of reasons why he should apologize; I would suggest you focus on changing your drinking habits.

Sir Don​(dom male){Nt looking} • Aug 5, 2020

I totally agree with Bunnie .......

Take responsibility for your actions.. you didn't give 2 shits about how you made him feel . You totally disrespected him in his house..
I think you are lucky he is even still talking to you.
I think you are lucky to still be alive. (diving intoxicated)
I think you are lucky to not have killed someone else (driving intoxicated)

Having been in a relationship where my ex was a alcoholic I was put into situations I was not happy with. Did he act responsible? Maybe not but you put him there. I will not say he was a asshole, I think you were the asshole. What did you think was going to happen ?
I am not giving sympathy to you .. you don't deserve it..

I think he should have given you a pillow and blanket and a porch to sleep it off. Then a discussion face to face the next day and then sent you home.

Harsh I don't think so !!!!

Curious Raven​(other female) • Aug 5, 2020

Sorry... another tough but hopefully supportive response.

From one Raven to another, I think the real question is how much do YOU actually care for your safety and health?

Does drinking all day to the point of almost blacking out seem safe or healthy? Does drinking to the point of very impaired judgment (getting behind the wheel while intoxicated) seem safe or healthy?

Is this really about your Daddy being “wrong”...or is this is about alcohol? And using alcohol to deal with a lot of painful crap festering under the surface? And hoping that somehow someone else can make that go away?

Maybe this can be a wonderful opportunity to do things differently and learn to truly love yourself. Maybe this is the start of making your own health and safety your highest priority. If any of what I’m saying (as well as others here) makes sense to you, I hope you’ll reach out for the support that is available. Don’t know much about resources in your area but here’s a free 24/7 national helpline for mental health and substance use services: 1-800-662-4357. That might be a beginning.

Please embrace yourself with love. Namaste.

Re: I desperately need advice

Ricccardio • Aug 6, 2020

Hey Raven, I am a new Dom with little experience currently on the verge of probably breaking up with my sub but I am saying something because everyone's views and responses gave me some clarity a few days ago.

From all that I have read, watched and of my moral convictions guiding me about being a Dom, I would not under any circumstance tell my sub to leave while being intoxicated. This is dangerous and wrong!!! I'd put her in a separate room, remove the alcohol or I would go to another room myself and close the door. Now I am not saying this is how your Dom feels about you but I completely know what it is like to not want to even look at your sub because of poor behavior. It is a horrible feeling, you wonder what you are doing wrong? How is this acceptable? It creates deep anger, frustration and even resentment particularly because it is an affront to your accepted dynamic and respect towards your Dom. If your Dom felt this way, these emotions are not easily dismissed and requires true patience and discipline especially when it wasn't a purely accidental occurrence. Yes you were intoxicated but clearly you were aware of and remembered what you were doing and didn't try to stop.

Another important factor that others have already mentioned is whether this was the first occurrence or not. If it isn't, this building up of tension over time may very well push your Dom beyond his limit and possibly cause him to act irrationally. He has absolutely no justification here but we are all human and are subject to human emotions.

Solutions: Your Dom needs to swallow the hard pill of admitting that he needs to be more in control of himself regardless of the circumstances. Patience and discipline are hard qualities to develop and many people simply ignore the effort, so yes he should admit to being wrong. You the sub need to be aware that drinking so much is hurting the relationship and should be moderated. You should also steer away from being the instigator of unnecessary arguments. Simple, yet hard to truly follow through with.

Personal story (Optional): My sub and I were staying at a local hotel. Earlier in the day, she said something very offensive about certain protocols in the military. She knew this was my previous job. I confronted her and she was adamant about being correct despite her never serving and her disrespectful attitude. She turned me off the entire day. I did not want her to touch me, I did not want to look at her. I was pissed and repulsed beyond belief. To make matters worst, we took the time to be at the hotel for each other. She got a message from her friends asking if she could come have a few drinks. She asked (that is our dynamic) if she could go. The fact that she even considered this enraged me. However, at this point I just didn't want her around, so of course I approved. I told her not to drink excessively, hydrate and wait before driving. 3 Hours later I get a message "Daddy" I respond with "yes" she responds in an ungrammatical sentence, so I ask if she is ok. Her response "No". I am sure that in the presence of the fumes emanating from inside me metal would melt immediately. I still had to go get her, hold her hand, walk her to my room and get her in bed. I did not want her around me at all. I went to bed, back turned. Next morning I yelled like no tomorrow because if I hit her as punishment, she would have died. Points are 1. Still do the moral and rational thing as a Dom even if you plan to release her after. 2. Too much drinking really hurts any relationship, so be careful and lastly don't disrespect your Dom, especially without reason.