emeX(sub male)
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4 years ago •
Sep 9, 2020
"how do you combat feelings of shame when unable to do something that is desired of you by your dominant? "
There is no shame in failing. There is shame in not trying or putting effort. |
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Online now
Miki(masochist female)
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4 years ago •
Sep 9, 2020
ABSOLUTELY!
You Nailed it, Hon!!! MM |
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SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕}
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4 years ago •
Sep 12, 2020
If I'm reading your situation correctly.....
1) the THING is something you HAVE done in the past. 2) the THING is something you desire as well as your Dom. 3) for WHATEVER reason, you were unable to do the THING. ...is that correct? I have a suspicion that your feelings may be mislabeled. I THINK you are trying to describe "disappointed". You feel as if you have disappointed you AND your Dom, (which for subs is like getting kicked in the teeth), and so you feel guilty over not being "up to snuff", and THAT is what you are feeling "shame" over. The question I have is, 4) is this a temporary situation or perminant? If is a temporary thing, be patient, explain the situation, and move forward. If it a a perminant change, explain the situation, feel the feelings (TOGETHER) and....move forward. People are fluid, ever changing.....it happens. Feel the feelings and adjust. The right Dom for you will love you no matter what because it's not about what you DI or what services you provide ....it's about you, the person, actual and whole. Feelings and how you react to those feelings included. |
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Taramafor(sub male)
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4 years ago •
Sep 15, 2020
Quote: There is no shame in failing. There is shame in not trying or putting effort.
Pretty much. But there's your OWN shame and people shaming you. When it comes to the later I just go "Fuck judgement". When it comes to the former that's ones own fear. Of which is often irrational. I mean, what's to be ashamed of? Things that make you happy? Responsibility? |
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truckstopjunkie
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4 years ago •
Sep 18, 2020
Well usually shame is identified by guilt. I really dont ever ever feel shame until I've been caught., doing something that I new I shouldn't be doing. But if I didnt get caught then there was no shame. And maybe I'm way off base but i thought that was the whole point of BDSM. A release of guilt shame. I do remember shrinking by the feel of shame but i dont t recall why. I felt the shame. I'm sure for being caught doing something that I knew that I shouldn't be doing. I usually deal with it by putting my head in my hands and cussing me. Anx usually someone else gets control to tell me how I'm going to deal with it, as some authority or judge. Never like the feeling of shame so I tried to avoid it. Well I do know that humans can be humiliated to shame.
Last edited by * on Fri Sep 18, 2020 10:48 pm, edited 2 times in total |
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Taramafor(sub male)
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4 years ago •
Sep 18, 2020
Question.
Just who is deciding what you should or shouldn't be doing? I mean, if something makes you happy and people take issue with it that's THEIR issue, right? People just like to bitch (eg: judge). Granted it's wise to let people know in advance when possible. But BDSM isn't about "hiding shame". For many it's about showing what people often look down on and just being "free" to express yourself. But this applies with other matters too. |
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truckstopjunkie
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4 years ago •
Sep 18, 2020
skullshovel wrote: Well usually shame is identified by guilt. I really dont ever ever feel shame until I've been caught., doing something that I new I shouldn't be doing. But if I didnt get caught then there was no shame. And maybe I'm way off base but i thought that was the whole point of BDSM. A release of guilt shame. I do remember shrinking by the feel of shame but i dont t recall why. I felt the shame. I'm sure for being caught doing something that I knew that I shouldn't be doing. I usually deal with it by putting my head in my hands and cussing me. Anx usually someone else gets control to tell me how I'm going to deal with it, as some authority or judge. Never like the feeling of shame so I tried to avoid it. Well I do know that humans can be humiliated to shame. I can remember feeling shame but I dont ever remember being able to control shame , it just engulfs and eventually fades to guilt and every negative thought replaces it.
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Eliza Raine(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Sep 18, 2020
SirsBabyDoll wrote: If I'm reading your situation correctly.....
1) the THING is something you HAVE done in the past. 2) the THING is something you desire as well as your Dom. 3) for WHATEVER reason, you were unable to do the THING. ...is that correct? I have a suspicion that your feelings may be mislabeled. I THINK you are trying to describe "disappointed". You feel as if you have disappointed you AND your Dom, (which for subs is like getting kicked in the teeth), and so you feel guilty over not being "up to snuff", and THAT is what you are feeling "shame" over. The question I have is, 4) is this a temporary situation or perminant? If is a temporary thing, be patient, explain the situation, and move forward. If it a a perminant change, explain the situation, feel the feelings (TOGETHER) and....move forward. People are fluid, ever changing.....it happens. Feel the feelings and adjust. The right Dom for you will love you no matter what because it's not about what you DI or what services you provide ....it's about you, the person, actual and whole. Feelings and how you react to those feelings included. Everything about this is perfect and spot on! Thank you for this response!! |
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SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕}
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4 years ago •
Sep 18, 2020
I found this article about the difference between shame and guilt. They are vastly different.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame%3famp |
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truckstopjunkie
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4 years ago •
Sep 18, 2020
Ok I hate shame to me it is the worst. However. I have talked the about the gavel dropping . Ok you can also be shamed to guilt. I've thought about this yall. Shame is not something that I adore. At all. If you want me to I'll think of an example but just think about it its happened to you both ways. One more time. I dont know anything so, just know I'm not trying to push anything on anyone. Because some people ar ex more sensitive and some , like me dont have enough sensitivity, but I avoid shame and that's how I handle it. As far as guilt goes I exercise my right to a fair and speedy trial, or something like that
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