Refusal to Negotiate in D/s

outsideleft​(other male) • Apr 4, 2018

Thanks for all of the above; I finally resigned - after attending an event and being publicly treated like a 'despised slave'.

In my resignation letter, I outlined that I am unable to let go of my sense of self worth as of equal value to other human beings, that I am happy to serve, as long as I am valued in return - the response was vitriolic, acerbic and spiteful - it appeared like I may have pushed a few buttons.


Being new to kink, the consistency of the feedback was the tipping point for my actions - thank you all !


o

rosethorn​(sub female) • Apr 4, 2018

I hope your okay that was a brave thing to do. Even if your preference is a slave that does not mean your worth is any less than anyone else, you are just on different sides of the coin. xx

Jashine • Apr 5, 2018

There is a difference between a Domme and a bitch, and this one is the latter. If you can't distinguish between the two, you are in for a bumpy ride.

MsNevermore​(other female) • Apr 5, 2018

A ton of good advice has already been given so let me bring up the elephant in the room.
Lack of negotionation isn't really the biggest issue here. Looking from the outside in you are accepting/receiving exactly what was (or wasn't) negotiated, which is basically you will serve with no boundaries, expectation of return in favor, or period for negotiations/contract to be established.
You are consenting to continue every time your Dom/Domme brushes you off on your concerns. By all accounts written here, your fear of being alone or starting over is outweighing the fear of stating to her what you need or desire. How long do you see that working out for you?
I don't know you or your Somme but the issue isn't just in her lack of time or motivation to negotiate. Why would she, you have given her everything without them. The beauty of consent is that it can be retracted. Not a tool I like to use but in your case where you allowed yourself to enter in with no foresight I would say its needed.
The elephant in the room is that you entered into that no limit nonconsentual consent. Yeah, definetly an area you needed negotiations for first.
You keep saying she doesn't have time. What about you? What keeps you from writing out your needs and desires, limits, expectations? Present them to her and go from there? If she still won't then you will be left with the hard choice of continuing on as is or alone but with a list ready for the next who, imho, should be expecting it as to know if they and you are compatible in expectations and dynamic.

Sorry, didnt see the follow up on page 2 of comments...
I wish you well, be true to you.

Muffin • Apr 8, 2018

Since your last post was at least a month ago I do hope that things have improved, either with the Dom in question or with finding a better for fulfilling relationship. Communication is the key to every relationship whether it is a Vanilla one or any level or type of Kink. My slave and I started very slowly, with a collar during sex to make it a little rougher. Our relationship began vanilla and developed into a Mistress/slave lifestyle dynamic. However each and every step we took to explore different kinks, bondage styles, toys, types of punishment/pleasure or humiliation has been surrounded, before/during/after with conversation about feelings, safe words, limits, force applied (if it was a pain related activity). Everything was communicated.

And when we started, and even now, I allow my slave to make most of the recommendations about new things to try. Because his subspace, consent and safety are of the utmost importance to me as the Mistress/Dominant. My pleasure (personal factor may not be the same in your case) comes from seeing him enjoy himself, seeing him revel in the submission that I enable him to express. He is the love of my life and it is my joy as his Mistress to ensure that he is cared for and fulfilled both as a man and as a slave.

Because of this I have carved out time for him when it was necessary, compensated time at work, sacrificed important social events, to ensure that he and I communicated and that he felt that the relationship was as important to him as it is to me.

If your Dom is ignoring your needs then you have to take the initiative to ensure that they are met yourself. Although you feel as though you are learning important this, it is not a good lesson if the learning is psychologically painful.