Why is it so hard for me to find someone?

Why is it so hard for me to find someone?

jeborder​(dom male) • Apr 5, 2018

I know this isn't unique in this community (I think especially as a guy) but my morale is pretty low. I'm a switch but haven't found ANYONE on here searching for something online. It's kinda amazing but at the same time it really hurts. I feel unwanted and like all the bullying I've endured in my life was justified. Out of all my friends I'm the only person who isn't in a relationship/engaged (and I'm only 23). I don't know what I'm doing wrong anymore and I can't change my appearance, otherwise I would change so many things. I'm just at the end of my rope and rambling pointlessly now I guess.

Villanelle​(staff) • Apr 6, 2018

It takes a lot of time and effort to find a match, kinky or not. I'd suggest you concentrate on making some friends here and getting involved in the chats and conversations on the forums. Get to know people and let them get to know you. Perhaps something will blossom or at the very least it will make your experience here more enjoyable.

Hang in there. I wish you the best of luck in your search!

Roadman0911​(sub male) • Apr 6, 2018

believe me it is harder to find a partner in this lifestyle that just your normal average life. Just get in touch with what your needs are and find someone that fits most of it. It will happen when it happens. Good luck.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 8, 2018

I just wanted to say hang in there jeborder. We have talked off the boards here and you are a lovely respectful person. I'm sure there is a match for you some where. Just keep being you. Get involved, stand out for the right reasons.

Roadman0911​(sub male) • Apr 8, 2018

I have even posted out of frustration. It can be extremely frustrating. Hang on. It wi happen.

Chemkat​(dom female) • Apr 11, 2018

I feel you dude. It's rough out there. I'm surprised you have the same luck as I do in NY, that's like OH luck...which is terrible.

UnrulyNerdGirl​(sub female) • Apr 11, 2018

jeborder - there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your appearance - full stop. Your not attracting someone has absolutely nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with the folks out there in the community. They are busy with their lives, focusing on what’s important to them, and they just aren’t in a position to see what a great partner you might make.

My best advice would be to get out into the community - go to munches, or discussion groups, go to play parties. I’m single, have been for some time, and I get out plenty. Sure, it feels a little intimidating going to a play party by myself, but I volunteer - I help DM - I’ll bring my service kit and practice hand and foot massages. I do this to keep my skills up, to keep busy, and volunteering say at the door, or taking tickets is a great way to meet folks. Sure, maybe you’ll go to something - a munch, a discussion group - and no one there will be compatible with you as a play partner or romantic partner, but they might have a friend who is. Going to events is about many things - making friends, getting to know folks better, learning new skills, and yes, networking.

These negative thoughts you have are not productive, and simply not true. You are worthy of love and belonging, just as you are, you need to believe that. I can’t promise you your dream Domme is out there - I can’t even guarantee mine is out there - but we have to hope. Just believe she is out there - she’s just taking her time getting to you. As soon as a negative thought pops up - you need to help it on its way - I use CTRL-ALT-DELETE as my mantra to move a negative thought along - or sometimes simply Fuck Off.

Best of luck to you my friend - I will send good positive thoughts your way - I hope you will do the same for me.

Take care .

Domina Diabla Noches​(dom female) • Apr 26, 2018

Dear jeborder,

I am sorry you are struggling. I checked out your profile picture and think you are physically attractive. Why are you under the impression you need to change your appearance?

Be well,

Domina

DrWakko • Apr 27, 2018

Go to a munch. Get out and meet kinky people. Google munch plus the city you live in. There you will meet kinky people and learn about events in your area.

On line dating is like playing the claw machine. You never know what you are going to get if you get anything and you don’t know where it’s from. It’s a crap shoot if you get anything from a claw machine.

Go be with real kinksters. The odds of finding a match will go up.

plaisirnoir • Apr 27, 2018

There's no doubt that it is harder for kinky folks to find compatible partners. We have an additional set of requirements on top of the vanilla ones that "others" have. I don't think this problem is unique to you. Things that can work include going to munches, kink classes & events but going beyond that will help you too. Work on being approachable - learn about different topics so you can talk to people with different interests. Have a positive attitude when you are at events and make a point to get to know new folks vs. just hanging out w/ the ones you know. Volunteering is a great way to meet people. Learn and perfect new skills that you think would please you and your potential partners.

I've found the Conduit group in NJ to be a very welcoming bunch of folks.