Help please

Help please

MsDove​(sub female){Eternal Pi} • Dec 12, 2020

My Dom decided to end it this afternoon.

We have been building our relationship, unfortunately via distance due to covid, for two months. We have clicked on every level and had scheduled to meet just as lock down occurred.

I told him last night that early on I ran a background check on him. Every woman I know says to do what you can to find out if the guy is who he says. It came up with nothing and I relaxed into what has been a delicious experience.

I knew that this would feel a bit invasive, but I expected him to also be glad I was taking care of my safety. For him, I broke trust with him. IIrreparable. I should have asked him (Hey stranger I met on the internet, are you a serial killer?).

We have shared everything. I had this one thing, I hadn't thought of since, that came up last night. I didn't imagine it would be a deal breaker, but I wouldn't have hidden it either.

I am split open. I am a new submissive. Here's the thing, when you pull the rug out from your submissive, she has nothing. You hold her heart and soul in your hands. This is a free fall. There is nothing to catch me, I gave it all to him. I thought I was safe and protected. I thought there was nothing I needed to hid from him. I took my commitment seriously. And now nothing. No conversation. Nothing. I am more alone than I have ever been. 

I don't know what to do. I love this man. The dynamic is so different when you give yourself to someone. I don't know where to find me. My place is with him. The things I need, I associate with him and only him.

All my friends are Vanilla, there's no one that understands. I know I'll be ok, but I am in a free fall.

Master Rob • Dec 12, 2020

Hi, i am sorry to hear about this, but you had good intentions at the beginning. I think it is reasonable to do that and give you peace of mind. Your safety must come first. If your dom did not understand that, then i must question, how sincere he is about you. In my opinion, his reaction appears more about him, than about the situation and about you. You need to find someone who will put your needs ahead of his own, and will support you totally and unconditionally.

I know your hurting now, and free falling, is not fun. We have all been there, we have all done this. But its better to have loved and lost, than not loved at all. Keep your mind active, keep a journal, try and keep busy. You will move on from this. We are all here to help you.

MsDove​(sub female){Eternal Pi} • Dec 12, 2020

This seemed so out of character. This is all new to me. Very different experience.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Dec 12, 2020

In my view what you did re a check was fine, but you should have told him early on that if the dynamic was looking good, progressing that you would do a check. The fact you didnt do that, is I suspect why he ended it. Only he knows, but I suspect he feels he did not give consent to this, and therefore feels his consent was violated. I could be wrong about this, you need to ask him.

Doing a check, asking for references etc is good practice, but doing so needs to be done upfront and not done behind backs, also needs to be discussed early on, even offered by both parties re mutual checks right at the get go, after all crazy, dangerous subs are also a possible reality as well. Often new relationship energy can lead to blindness and not doing, or discussing whats required.

You may be able to fix things, good luck.

TrickyNic​(switch male) • Dec 12, 2020

I can understand him being upset as privacy is important. However it seems he is overreacting. It is possible he has not established all his boundaries appropriately and is not yet ready for a serious relationship. You will be stronger after moving on from this.

HisMarvelbaby​(sub female){MarvelDadd} • Dec 12, 2020

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, sending hugs.
I do agree that he has over reacted a bit in this situation, as you did the right thing protecting yourself.
If you ever want to talk feel free to message me.
You will get through this and come out stronger.

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • Dec 12, 2020

The replies in here have been dead on. DollMaker's in particular.
You will be alright, your heart was in the right place. Try not to let this jade you. Knowing what freefall feels like can lead to not trusting similarly in future. Please try to guard against that. DM's advice on how to handle in future is spot on.

subCourtlove​(sub female) • Dec 12, 2020

First, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this hurt and loss. You have a great community here to reach out to, so use that to work through your feelings. While I can see how he may have seen your action as an invasion of privacy, and I can even understand him feeling hurt or angry, the fact that he is not willing to see that your motivations were not intended to be malicious and that you were concerned about your safety, is excessive. With the level of commitment and deep connection you say that you had, it is hard for me to see him having the same connection If he ended it so abruptly. I could be wrong, but grace, forgiveness and understanding should be part of a deep and committed relationship. That could be the positive in this- discovering now that he would give up so easily.
And while none of us know the full nature of the relationship you had, it is apparent how deeply you care for him. Don’t shut down. Reach out to people willing to talk. Journal your feelings. Embrace your hurt, and you will be stronger after this fall.

Confidently older • Dec 12, 2020

Sorry to read about what you're going through.

My personal belief is that all meaningful dominant/submissive relationships need to be built on a strong foundation, after all you as the submissive will be depending on this foundation to hold you up and keep you safe both mentally and physically. I also believe while I understand that it is heart wrenching, two months is not enough time to build much of a foundation.

You are strong and you will recover, it takes great strength to be submissive.

If you have nothing to hide then the background check should be of no consequence. If you were mine I would've expected you to have been more upfront and told me either early on or even before of your requirement/desire to run the background check, and the reaction to your request should give you a clue into your future relationship.

Although I'm not familiar with the depth of your relationship or what rules the two of you set forth, I also believe that such an indiscretion on your part should not be a reason for dismissal, at least not in a serious relationship.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Dec 12, 2020

My opinion, for what's worth, differs from some here.

MsDove, you did NOTHING wrong running a background check. You don't need consent to do so. Especially you are new to this and presumably you ran the background check before becoming his sub.

A D/s relationship is still a relationship and you have every right to protect yourself when you are meeting strangers.

Hugs.