How can I tell if someone is legit ?

How can I tell if someone is legit 🤔

foxymagee​(sub female) • Jan 7, 2021

So I'm very (VERY!) new to all of this. I've always been submissive, but have only very recently engaged in any kind of BDSM play - which has been amazing, and I've loved the beginning of my journey....however, I'm curious to seek guidance around how I know when someone is legit, the real deal, actually a Dom? I have concerns that I may become involved in something with someone who doesn't know what he's doing and isn't ultimately respectful of my submission - really don't want to get hurt (well, I do want to get hurt but you know what I mean), or in a situation that becomes hard to remove myself from.

I've recently started talking to someone online (with a view to meeting when lockdown in the UK is over, so at least 7 weeks), and so far he's been very respectful. He's been very open and has been willing to allow me to ask all my questions (I have many questions!), and hasn't been pushy or asked me to do anything that has made me uncomfortable. We have had a couple of remote play sessions, but these have only occurred when I've made it clear that it's something I want. To me, it appears that he knows what he's doing, but I have very little idea about what that is, so help please! xx

explorer​(switch male) • Jan 7, 2021

Hi, I'm not that experienced but I would like to put forward my observation if I may.

I know exactly where you are coming from, and as you build up your relationship with your Dom, over time you will learn more about them. You will either gain more trust or become more suspicious, so trust your gut

Do they have a Kik account, an Only Fans account, are they on Twitter? This may help substantiate there not fakes?

If they are happy to give you a little more information about themselves, then they should have less deception to hide away from you.

I have always found, that if someone asks for a tribute straight away, then stay away completely. Any Dom /Domme who's FIRST question is telling you they need a tribute is NEVER the right Dom /Domme

Hope this helps, and I know there are many wonderful Dom's / Domme's out there who want tributes, but those are most likely the good ones who WANT to learn to know more about their Subs and develop a relationship with them over time, rather than scamming them for money within a couple of minutes / messages of meeting them.

Take care and stay safe

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jan 7, 2021

Part of a Dom/mes responsibility is to go at a pace that you (the sub) is comfortable with, so don't feel like a burden, if you plan on playing for a long time, a few months (or 7 weeks) of getting to know each other wont be too long.

In the mean time, do more reading up on it, for both of your sakes. Know what you are interested in, there are a lot of variables and styles in this world, he may be a great guy, but you may not match, if you want something long term, compatibility here is also a pretty big deal. A great many Doms will not compromise their needs, or even their wants. They are known for having control over their lives, and they will want someone who flows and fits into that life naturally.

Experimentation physically is not a great place to start, as I mentioned earlier, read into what you like, watch videos, and know how to do it safely before you try it out.

If he doesn't know these things about himself either, or he is pushing too much, then he is probably not as 'legit' as he says he is, maybe still learning, but he should be forward about that. It may be he is putting on his best impression, be weary, sometimes they can flip like a lightswitch and take a bad turn, time is really the only way to vette them.

Good Luck! I hope you two have fun together!!

Bunnie • Jan 7, 2021

Firstly, kudos to you for reaching out and asking questions. I always have a lot of respect for that.

This here is fantastic advice in my opinion:

“I know exactly where you are coming from, and as you build up your relationship with your Dom, over time you will learn more about them. You will either gain more trust or become more suspicious, so trust your gut.”

I am of the belief that time is what tells us what we need to know. Pay attention. The difficulty is in learning how to trust ourselves and differentiate between what is “our stuff” and what is truly something that is an issue (red flags or deal breakers). That’s where this great piece of advice comes into it: “In the mean time, do more reading”... knowledge not only helps us recognise when those around us are either informed or not, it also helps us to learn about and trust ourselves.

Good luck to you both, I hope you have a wonderful journey together

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 7, 2021

I think in a lot of ways this isn’t all that different of a concept from vanilla relationships, use your common sense. If you’re asking questions or you’re talking and something doesn’t feel right then chances are it’s because it isn’t.

But if you’re new to this then do some reading and learn as much as you can about the lifestyle and what you do and don’t like, just general information about the lifestyle, etc., knowledge is power and protection.

Take things slow and don’t compromise you for the sake of them.

DomJayy​(dom male) • Jan 7, 2021

The easiest way to know if they are legit is to get them to firstly verify themselves through video chatting ! The most common misleading in the online world is people using fake or edited photos, so a video chat can’t be edited or changed

When it comes to knowing if they are a legit Dom unfortunately that is only through trail and error if they seem well educated in the genre and is super nice and respectful

Take your time and if they are will to take the time to know you as a person not just sexually then that’s a great first step

foxymagee​(sub female) • Jan 7, 2021

Ah, thank you v much lovely people! All very good advice - I've been doing reading online and then discussing the things that have intrigued or interested me (or that I'm just not really sure about!) with him when we chat, and he's been very forthcoming and willing to spend the time doing that with me which has been good.

I shall take the advice to take my time, not feel pressured and then see where the path takes me!

Thanks again xx

DrWakko • Jan 7, 2021

Some of the common advice I’ve heard is have him meet you at a munch. If he’s not willing to meet you around other kinksters then he might be hiding something. This doesn’t mean you can’t go somewhere more private (in public) and talk.

You can talk about classes you want to attend or are interested in. If he has no interest in learning that is a red flag for me.

You can always ask around on this site as well and try to vett him. You can read is blogs and see what kind of comments are left too.

Good luck

DW

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 8, 2021

Watch many videos till you're sick of them. Get your knowledge of said things so you know what's right for you

HeyLittleOne​(sub female) • Jan 8, 2021

Just to add one more thing to all of the wonderful advice - if you met him on a site such as The Cage, reach out to some of the regulars to ask their opinion of the person!

I can only speak for this site, but I know that many of the active members in this community would gladly help, and tell you about their experience with the person (if they've had one, of course). It is always beneficial to hear about encounters others have had with an individual that you may see yourself being intimate with. If you hear from multiple people that this person acted in an unsavory way, then that would definitely be a red flag.

More than anything, trust your intuition. If you're questioning their motives or your safety around this person, then the only thing that I can recommend is to listen to that gut feeling - it won't lead you wrong.

Best wishes in your journey ♡