Punishments

Punishments

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 25, 2021

As relatively new to bdsm but with a huge interest and desire to explore the lifestyle deeper, I still can’t get my head around punishments. I am drawn to sexual pain. From having some limited but real life experience with flogging, paddling, smacking i know it is what i crave during sex. I crave it because the pain if inflicted right arouses me, it makes my release much stronger and more powerful. I crave pain but it is because i know it gives me pleasure.
I just can’t understand why occasionally i hear the pain for enjoyment as funishment. Do they mean it for “fun” imposing? Why such a strange choice of the word 😊? To me it is kinda diminishing way to describe the empowering and fulfilling experience.
In relationship to punishments, i also can’t understand how potentially it enriches the relationship /dynamic? As a slave/submissive I always want to please my Master/dom. The actual fact i displeased him somehow is the punishment to me already. To be physically punished for something i have not deliberately done would hurt me on the emotional soul level. It potentially could break my heart, my affection towards my Master.
Is it just me who thinks this way or there are submissives out there with similar perception as mine?
Also, if you are a dominant/master do you see punishment as an integral part of all bdsm dynamics you’ve had in the past?
I mean the punishment that carries the literal meaning: to punish for disobedience or not performing an order in the way that’s pleasing to you?

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 25, 2021

In my view (and mine only) it depends on the dynamic. For some Doms they know their subs well enough to know that a punishment is likely to do more harm than good. For me, i beat myself up far more than any punishment could possible provide. The sheer thought of disappointment alone is enough for me.

But a punishment could be you now have to hold a position for longer than you normally would as a reminder and to teach you discipline.

My thoughts is, if you constantly have to punish your sub/slave then maybe you need to think about what is going wrong? Either the dominant is being excessive or why is the submissive/slave constantly fighting against what you ask?

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 25, 2021

No true sub would feel anything but utter failure and sadness having done something that displeased their D/ to the point they’ve earned a punishment. Perhaps then we can assume we all feel that, and start from there?
I think ( and I’m just looking back here) that knowing I had earned a punishment, and no matter how much I regretted my actions- no matter how many genuine tears fell as a result of hurting my Sir, Daddy what have you( and also this ‘hurt’ could very well be something that at first glance doesn’t seem punishment worthy, like continuing to forget what may seem like a small rule in the grand of scheme of things. I’m saying that it needn’t be a huge, dramatic, rage-invoking infraction) Knowing that aside from my regret, and immediate recognition of the issue, resolution to do better etc- I WAS STILL GOING TO BE PUNISHED- bc before the feelings I just described- I DID do something that violated rules and boundaries Wwe have in place, absolutely brought more serious attention to the situation, and imo a higher likelihood of resolution going forward. ( being truly sorry and remorseful is great- getting to the bottom of why it happened at all is better, and a punishment could and for me has often led to a level of emotion being felt where I could figure it out with the help of my ____, and no I’m not sure I would have otherwise discovered the why- it’s not always this way, but it can be very intense!
I think if I was with a Dominant who broke when they saw how upset I was bc I had upset them and changed their mind about going through with whatever prescribed punishment was on the table- this would be the beginning of the end. No matter how ‘light’ or how ‘heavy’ a punishment may be, it certainly marks( no pun intended) the occasion. It re-establishes the power dynamic in your relationship. No matter what your own particular power dynamic looks like- because it could appear that any couple you come across doesnt deal with power exchange at all, but I assure you it’s there. BDSM is not about the pain that feels like pleasure in your bedroom. You could very well have a Dom that you never have good old fashioned intercourse with, but you’ll never have one ( assuming they’re not full of shit) that doesn’t create a power exchange with you- which is something the two (?) of you have discussed and both of you are comfortable with and that leads to discussing rules and boundaries which leads to discussing discipline. You have a choice of course to walk away at any time.
To wrap this up bc getting to my point is taking way longer than I intended: the punishment’resets’ the boundaries and marks the occasion so it’s not forgotten. I’m not going to get into funishment bc it’s really apples and oranges. That said- if you feel like the process is not something you want to welcome into your life- it may just be you don’t embrace a true kink connection via a D/s relationship but you do enjoy what sounds like mild kink play during sex. Nothing wrong with that. I’m hoping a Dom/Domme pops in to explain the importance of a punishment in their eyes as well.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 25, 2021

Many share this sentiment. Some enjoy punishing while others want the punishment, but you're not suposed to enjoy it. I've hardly punished, but have always used such to teach. Being harsh doesnt help, but I e never been one to spare the rod. It depends on the relationship and the individual

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 25, 2021

I loved the reference to discipline in LaViEnRose ( eg holding a position for longer than usual) as I definitely see the value of discipline in d/s relationships because i long to be controlled in a sexual setting and the full power exchange is definitely what draws me to bdsm. Being very strong and in control of my professional and everyday life, bdsm is the so needed escape for me.

I lost a bit the track of thoughts in Virginie’s post but the final paragraph was a valuable perspective to read especially when you mentioned that “punishments resets the boundaries “

Thank you House Talion for your response as well. Definitely the punishments are not meant to be enjoyed and i am glad you all agreed on the fact it depends on the relationship/the dynamic.

I have discussed this topic extensively with my Master but wanted to hear the opinion of others in the bdsm community 😊

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 25, 2021

I often think in the same terms as Curiousmind. I have a huge craving for being corrected and disciplined for the things I do wrong. I want the physical pain after doing something that my Dom doesn’t like. Do I want to displease him on purpose? No
Impact play for pleasure Is one thing, but I am driven by the need to be corrected and put back in my place physically and mentally just as much as I’m driven to please my Master.

~Psyche

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 25, 2021

That’s amazing Psyche: To have such strong need to be corrected physically and mentally . I totally understand the satisfaction you are receiving from fulfilling that need

MelMell​(dom female) • Jan 25, 2021

I personally don’t like punishing my subs but from time to time it has to be done. I’ve who subs that need the physical punishment and others needed a more mental one while there were a rare few that needed both. I would still let them know I was disappointment in them as I didn’t like punishments. My punishments were usually something they’d enjoy. One of my subs loved spankings and it would turn him on a lot so as a punishment he would have to spank himself which he didn’t find any pleasure in. Another sub loved being locked in chastity so as a punishment I’d tell him to not wear his cage and still be in chastity. I did also have one sub that just the fact he failed at something was more than enough punishment for him, my disappointment was his punishment. I have yet to meet a sub that will not accept a punishment... they usually have to mess up really bad for me to punish them like not letting me know they’d be gone a whole weekend or cumming when I specifically told them they could only edge and not cum or a repeat behavior of not telling me good morning and good night after telling them I’d punish them if they kept doing it. When I start any dynamic with a sub I let them know that while I don’t like punishments I will punish them if they mess up and they agree to it.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 25, 2021

The concept of punishment as with many others has been distorted. Some call it punishment but they are really looking for what we now call funishment. Meaning they like the pain play associated with BDSM but are not comfortable saying they like it so they manufacture a 'reason' to implement pain. Or act out to receive it.

I'm an adult entering into an adult and complex dynamic. I don't need to be told to behave, be an asset to my partner, or even be honest when I can't complete something I'm asked to do.

In my experience as Virginie said, the worst thing for an s type is to fail or displease their partner. We are far harder on ourselves than our partner could be.

The worst punishment I ever heard of? Taking the task away when it was clear after several tries that the s type couldn't do it as it needed to be done.

Past that you are looking at release from the dynamic.

Those who play at punishment, for example the S type is punished for:
gambling away their rent money.
For staying up all night and blowing the job interview.
For being consistently rude and aggressive.
For having to have rules about personal care and breaking them
For being out of control of themselves
Not taking meds or keeping medical/therapy appointments
(all real examples)

And the other side is the top type (choose your term) who makes up reasons for the s to fail so he/she can beat them.
Waking up the s type at 3 am to polish the car
punishing them for wearing "Sir's" Tshirt and not washing it, or leaving breast dents in the shirt
setting an impossible task that no one could complete
Or deciding to share your s type without any prior agreement or discussion and they refuse.
Interfering with the s's job by requiring them to go masturbate in the bathroom etc
(also, I am sorry to say, real examples)

Then you have people not engaging in punishment or discipline, in my opinion, but in poor behavior and lacking the ability to self-regulate.

For those who want/need physical punishment it is never fun or pleasant. It is usually with an implement that is never used for fun. A cane that sits in the corner for example, only used in punishment situations.

It is also never out of proportion to the offense. When you bloody your s type and call it punishment for a minor error there are bigger distortions at work. (usually a top type who overcompensates for what he thinks is his own inability to simply discipline correctly.)

As with all of this it is complex. And those who use a broad brush to just lump it all together as if it is one size fits all, really don't know what they're dealing with. We do not have a Cliff note version of this life.

You do not need to include punishment into your dynamic. Since you and your partner are co-creating this dynamic (read that again if you have to) you both include what you feel will make for a good dynamic. That means some potential partners will not be compatible with you. Deciding that is your first best step to taking care of yourself and making a good choice.

Good luck with it.
H*

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 25, 2021

@SubtleHush really liked reading your response and it was an eye opening on many real life examples you have provided! Some of them are quite sad and worrisome. You are all right stating that each dynamic is unique and in the end it is all about compatibility. Just sad based on the real life stories that some use this lifestyle as a cover up for abuse and mistreating their partners! Having a real self-knowledge, self-esteem and what your needs and desires are help not to fall in the predators arms and choose wisely because at the end of the day bdsm is the best thing to meet that deep longing for submission/domination with the right partner.