Sub drop or just dissatisfaction?

Sub drop or just dissatisfaction?

enigmatic • Mar 21, 2021

I wrote a while back about the D/s dynamic being gone and that I had brought it up with him a couple of times when he commented on my libido.
What did finally wake him up was me telling him I felt abandoned by my Dom, and that I was a sub without a Dom.
So we started talking and he said he does want to get back to that dynamic that we had. We agreed to go slow to rebuild my trust. But then we have had some scenes he really got off on but were too much too soon for me.

We realized we are on different pages in that while he says he wants it to be in our sex life only ( as opposed to 24/7), which I agree with, he wants me to be submissive all the time, and him Dominant during sex. I told him I also only want the dynamic sexually. He wants more of a slave all the time but won't admit it even though when he describes what he wants, it is a slave.
He says if I dont want it to be all about his desires then I am not really a sub. I have made it clear that a sub is allowed to have a say and to not consent to some things and that negotiation beforehand is an important part of it.
He seems to think that is topping from the bottom.
I do have things that are off limits like being degraded.
I guess he is not being honest with himself because he says he doesn't want to degrade me but there are things he wants that are degrading to me and I explained that it is I who says what makes me feel degraded. We took a test which helps each other understand what each of us is like and his did have degrading at 60% but he says he doesn't see how it came out like that.
He said he is not a sadist but actions don't match the words.
Earlier we were on the same page. After him stopping then returning to the dynamic, he is different. He bought a book that we have read together so at least I have that which aligns my understanding of what I am in my submission vs a slave and masochist.

He wants what happens in role play to be a surprise to me yet he has expectations of my responses. I want at least a general idea of the roles and activities and some say so. He asked me to tell him a fantasy for role play, I did and said it was hot but it hasn't happened.

We have read about aftercare but it's still not happening.
We talked a little after the last scene and about one thing I didn't like. Today I feel down. I dont feel like I can explain any more than I have. If I do, I risk him not wanting to try anymore.
First it was too vanilla and now it's a bit too much too soon.
My desires do matter and my satisfaction does matter.
Can I be in sub drop without having gotten to subspace? Subspace used to be so easy and last so long. I miss it.
I feel sad and alone.

MisterWolf​(dom male) • Mar 21, 2021

Where to start

- you 100% have the right and expectations that your limits are understood and respected
- you can say no at any time
- negotiating and agreeing upfront is not topping from the bottom - it should be expected by both Dom/sub
- aftercare should be agreed before any scenes and followed through ...by the Dom in support of the sub
- it does not make sense to expect an explicit response without discussing that with the sub
- of course your desires and satisfaction matters - how can they not

It sounds like you and your Dom are on different pages with different expectations. I would also question some of his actions (thinking you don’t have a say) and some of the things he should be doing but is not (negotiating and aftercare being two).

Lastly it reads like you are sad and feeling down as you are not getting what you need from the dynamic.

My suggestion is to communicate your exact needs, desires, wants from the Dom and the dynamic. He should communicate his needs, desires, wants from you and the sub. Hopefully there is enough of a middle ground to continue but if not, at least you made clear what matters to you.

You are 100% not alone.

Good luck

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Mar 22, 2021

BDSM is like a dance. I call it a two step because you go two steps forward and one back. Even those that are old hand do in the beginnings.

Toes get stepped on!

Since your restarting everything, getting you both to dance at the same speed to the same song is going to take a lot of two stepping. Right now you both agree you want to dance. Now you just need to settle on the same song and the tempo. It important part is you BOTH now want this and never over look that ...you went through a lot to get that back Well done BTW
Every time you play, your going to have to hash it all out AGAIN and the next time will be the same until all the little nuances are feeling natural and you are both not stepping on toes. Its going to have to be an ongoing process till you can both dance together as one. Its a skill set. Its not something that happens over night (challenge anyone that gives you the impression it isn't. If you want something bad enough, it takes WORK)

I think you might be a little sad. You built yourself up in your head. You had expectation and feel a little sad that you didn't get those expectations met. That is 100% natural and normal.

Talk it out more, you got this! you've done the ground work. You just need to fine tune it. Your both back to trying.

yourbootsownme​(sub male) • Mar 22, 2021

I'm not about "you're not a sub" or "you're not being a dom" kind of talk. I don't accept labels and categories that way. You two are in a relationship, and these communication issues would be rearing their head with or without the D/s dynamic.

I often find it is helpful to do just that: examine the disagreements by mentally pulling them out of the dynamic and seeing what they would look like if they were vanilla in flavor. In this case, assuming you're painting an accurate picture (there are always two sides to every story), your partner is not being attentive to your needs, and is not following through on doing what he says. That could be because he doesn't understand your point of view, or it could be because he is dismissing your point of view out of hand.

Sadly, this kind of thing can happen with D/s dynamics. There no such rule as "subs just do what they're told." This isn't a mindless piece of erotica. Any D/s relationship involves the meeting of needs, desires, and kinks. The biggest issue for me is your statement that he wants to be dominant just during sex, but for you to be submissive "all the time." There are two problems there. The first is that you DON'T AGREE with being submissive all the time. That's a hard stop right there. Until you two can discuss expectations and desires in detail and come to a true agreement on when and where the dynamic starts and ends (despite the fact that it will always seep a little into other areas in a less potent way) there will continue to be friction and arguments.

But a larger issue for me as an observer is the picture of what he wants. Saying he wants you submissive all the time (despite you making it clear that you don't desire that) but only wants to dominate in the bedroom sounds a lot less like part of a D/s dynamic and a lot more like bullying or demand for control simply as an excuse to ignore his responsibilities as your partner. Put another way, using "because I'm the dom" as a steady excuse for why he disregards your needs and desires, avoids agreed-upon responsibilities at home, or invalidates your opinions and feelings, isn't being a Dom. It's treating somebody like crap.

In the end, a D/s relationship is an agreement between two people (unique to each couple) where - just like in a fulfilling vanilla relationship - needs and desires are mutually met. It just happens that the needs and desires mutually include some level of dominance and submission.

In my non-expert opinion, you'd be faced with similar problems with your partner (dismissing your needs and desires in favor of whatever he wants at the moment) in any form of relationship. You need to examine the behavior and thought processes both within and outside of the D/s dynamic.

Kelpi • Mar 22, 2021

I have always seen this as a 50/50 lifestyle and we get out of it what we put into it. So I am wondering what part of "sub" does he not get? Slave is someone you can and do anything with. The same can be said for a sub but it has to be something she/he is into not forced into. It is like the guy I knew who like to slap his wife around she loved him to no end but hated being hurt. So I asked him why he felt like he had to hurt her when there was so many women who he could find who would enjoy it. He gave me the wrong answer "because I like to hurt her so fuck off". I just see no reason to hurt someone who does not enjoy it. I know a few people who love being degraded and used as a cum dump and they enjoy it. That is their thing and I am good with it but when it is wanted only in the bed room then so be it.
To be in a relationship means there are two (or more) people who have needs and wants some of the same things. To be a Dom is to take charge and do what needs to be done for both of you. Last year I met a dom who said that he found a newbie who wanted to know what BDSM was like. So he hung her up and flogger her till she bleed the took every virgin hole she had before telling her she was now his and had to follow his rules. That last all of three days. I was talking to him when the police cuffed him and dragged his happy ass out. I am not sorry to say as I talked to the police and found they used our messages to put him away as the girl had been put in the hospital. They only way they found him is through her phone text she could not talk she was traumatized so much.
We all have limits needs and wants but to make someone else suffer for what we want is not being a Dom it is being a bully and fool. As I was told oce "if you can't talk a woman out of her pants you did not belong in them". There is just so much we have to take time and ease into in the life we live. You may force your way into her pants but you will never force your way into her heart.

Nailed it!

QueenBsGirl • Mar 22, 2021

This - right - here!! I came to say exactly this. You put it in words beautifully and perfectly. Thank you!! One thing I hold onto is Doms AND subs have every right to limits and respect. And submission is a gift. You don’t owe your Dom anything until both of you have given consent on your lifestyle. OP, I hope you value yourself enough to leave if your current Dom won’t value you.