Multiple dating

DammitJanet​(sub female){NOT INTERE} • Jun 10, 2018

I would share a Dom with other subs, but only if he allows me to pick other Doms to play with.
It doesn’t work like that though.
Playing with many spreads yourself thin, a waste of everyone’s time, once you feel a deep connection you don’t want anyone else.
Each to their own.

Bunnie • Jun 10, 2018

Put simply, I am really crap at multitasking lol. And that’s really all it is for me... it’s not a moral thing, or a ‘whose way is better.’ I have a very singular focus, so find it very difficult to give the type of attention I like to give, to more than one person at a time. I completely agree that multiple dating does seem to have become the norm, I’ve noticed it as well. I’m sure there are many socio reasons behind this, none of which I know anything about sorry. But, very interesting topic for discussion, I look forward to hearing others’ input.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2018

there is a mix feeling here as the question is regarding vanilla dating? maybe I am wrong?
I dont date subs so I cant understand the concept.
as for having more than one subs, I dont see the problem. As long as the Dom take care of all the house of subs and they are happy about it. There is no diluted connection or feelings. Each sub are different so the dynamic would follow.
We see more Doms having subs than a sub having Doms, its just not work the same Janet...

Cithaeria • Jun 11, 2018

Hi Rose,
There are several different issues here. A monogamous or polyamorous D/s relationship is one where both parties are in agreement that this is the kind of interaction they are interested in and comfortable with. A poly relationship can mean many different things and is healthy with open communication and a clear understanding of what everyone's expectations are. Going fast or slow is a separate issue because mono and poly relationships can develop quickly or slowly depending on the individuals involved and how they decide to proceed.
The takeaway on this for me personally is the value of communication. Communicating my needs, listening to my Dom's needs and evaluating if these needs are being met. As much as I like to hear that I am being a good sub, I think it's equally important to communicate to my Dom that he is meeting my expectations and being a good Dom.
Being in a poly dynamic works for me because my Dom and I have a special connection and a unique relationship. I understand and respect his ability to maintain an excellent relationship with me as well as any other sub that he desires. I trust that he knows himself well and that he is more than capable of loving more than one sub at a time. I don't feel our relationship is diluted or any less special because of his other sub. In fact , I am happy when his other sub brings him pleasure. When my Sir is happy, so am I.
Whether it is fast or slow, mono or poly; knowing yourself well and developing strong boundaries based on your needs and desires is what is important. There is no right or wrong when it comes to this. It is about personal choice and communication.

DammitJanet​(sub female){NOT INTERE} • Jun 11, 2018

Fortunately we’re all different, I can’t give 100% if I don’t receive 100%

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jun 11, 2018

To me there is a difference between an open poly or mono relationship and dating, dating comes first personally I wouldn't go up on a first date and go btw im seeing 5 other people... but then maybe that's the issue ? im saying it seems to have become a norm in vanilla or bdsm just the dating world in general, everything is at the push of a button now. Being in bdsm or vanilla can be different in many ways but personally I have noticed this theme for me anyway seems to happen in both worlds. Thigs seem to have changed fairly quickly in the last two/three years, I wasn't sure if it was just me but it seems many have some interesting thoughts on this topic. thank you all for your input x

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jun 11, 2018

I'm glad you got some use out of it. I think the discussion covered a number of topics under the same umbrella of 'relationships'. There are different goals and different levels for sure, and the answers change depending on where you are there.

As Byrdie pointed out, casual dating isn't new, and today's hookup culture may take it further sexually, but the behavior is still the same. I think that problems and confusion arise because both those looking for casual dates and those looking for more serious relationships use the same sites and apps to meet others. Regardless of someone's motivation there, that's the sort of thing that should be disclosed either in a dating profile or in initial chat, in my opinion.

As for saying 'BTW, I'm seeing 5 other people...' and the timing there, I suppose it begs the question of what your relationship is with those five other people. If those five are just folks you casually date, and the goal is simply dating as a social activity with the odd hookup here or there, then no... I don't think there's a need to disclose anything. You wouldn't necessarily feel the obligation to disclose all your friendships or past sexual relationships either. At that point it's personal information that you can disclose when and if you feel the need.

If you're going to be physically intimate with someone, then yes, there should be clear, frank discussion and disclosure. Health concerns are just that, and if you can't talk openly and honestly about STD's and other partners, then that's a concern. This doesn't mean revealing any personal information about other partners beyond health concerns, exposure risk and testing frequency.

If the goal is a long term relationship, I'm of the opinion that poly and mono shouldn't mix there. The discussion so far shows how strong and deeply held the differences in approach and feelings are there, and I think it's best to openly disclose your preference there on a dating profile or in initial chat to avoid problems.

I could write a lot more about the specifics of disclosure and sharing from a poly perspective, but thankfully Evergrey wrote a very in depth blog on the subject and did a much better job than I could do. If anyone reading this hasn't read it yet, the link is below. She's writing about her personal preferences, but the rules she's developed apply across the board in my opinion.

Ev's blog: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=12897

Bunnie • Jun 11, 2018

It’s interesting, I didn’t really see the OP as being in regards to mono vs poly. I saw it more as in line with when you’re first meeting potential partners (dating), so, not yet in a relationship. Am I missing seeing the link that suggests they’re connected?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jun 11, 2018

I think dating is the link. Rose seems to be searching for a long term serious monogamous relationship. The pool of seemingly potential partners includes poly folks, and those looking for more casual 'dating' experiences, and even at that 'potential partner' phase, I think it's important to talk about mono vs poly.

Bunnie • Jun 11, 2018

I took it as along the lines of dating many at the same time to decide which one fits right, to then proceed into a relationship. Kind of along the lines of “Tinder” type stuff (I’m guessing). So, obviously during that stage you’ll be discussing relationship types etc... but does someone doing that necessarily count as poly? I wouldn’t think so.