How to recognise a Dom and show I’m a sub

How to recognise a Dom and show I’m a sub

LadyLayIa​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2021

Hi all

I’m very new to the lifestyle. Not new to being the way I am, but new to being able to identify it.

I’m still very unsure about how to recognise whether someone is into BDSM and would love to be able to recognise these traits, particularly in a male Dom.

I know ... there is no way to know anything for sure. Communication is key. But what are some common traits you have found that Doms exhibit in everyday life? Something that will at least hint to me that I could possibly have that conversation?

I’m friends with someone and not at the stage of a conversation, but still at the stage of looking for hints, clues, etc

As someone who I’m not dating, there are some small hints that I don’t want to look too deeply into ... often standing behind my chair (no one else’s) holding the back rest; long looks that are often while standing close, looking down or sideways; in social situations ALWAYS lets me serve food/drinks and clean up without assistance, but always ready to help with heavy lifting etc

Any input would be appreciated.

Conversely, what are some non explicit things I could do in public to show I’m a sub and into the lifestyle?

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 23, 2021

LadyLayla,

Welcome to the lifestyle. You're not alone in this dilemma. Based on my experience of decades, the odds of you meeting someone in the vanilla world that is dominant in the way that brought you here is very, very small. Now the odds of you finding what you're looking for here is also very small, but it's a process of elimination, vs a process of discovery (and hope and wish) in the vanilla world.

Good luck!

Low{BLK OWND} • Apr 23, 2021

Hi
It was a lot to do with his presence
His posture and demeanor
He was very confident and self assured
However we did not meet in the vanilla world
It was through a web site where we posted what we wanted and it really was like looking for a needle in a haystack but it can and does happen
Take your time
And keep your eyes open
Good luck

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2021

Unless you're at a lifestyle event there's no sure way to tell. The way they act, dress, their accessories, nothing can tell you beyond the way they interact with others. The only sure way I can tell you is by wearing a collar and seeing what they call it. If the call it a collar they're probably of the lifestyle and if they call it a choker it may mean they're of the lifestyle with a bit more knowledge of fashion than others

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Apr 23, 2021

Excellent question! One that Doms across the planet have wrestled with on a daily basis. Trying to find a sub means stepping out of the closet, with all of the worms spilling out around our ankles. Wearing jewelry that indicates BDSM lifestyle just riles up the vanilla world, and opens us up to the scammers of the universe.

I'd recommend trying it anyway; handcuff earrings, that choker that looks kind of kinky with leather and spikes. And if some dweeby looking male comes across as knowing why you are wearing it, look him in the face and talk to him. Of course he will be a lunatic, that's why he is a Dom in the first place. You do know that feeling, your own kinks spin your head; that is why we are not vanilla.

And report back here, if you get anywhere, we all want to know it works.

Bunnie • Apr 23, 2021

Keep in mind that just because someone may show characteristics of being a Dom, they still may not necessarily be ready to be, or recognise in themselves, that they are a Dom.

MrFulmen • Apr 23, 2021

It would be so great if doms could be identified by looking at them!

But really there are no such things as dominants. There are just people, some of whom enjoy dominating, and they look and act pretty much like other people.

There are people who are confident and commanding and take-charge... and who have no interest in dominating in the D/s sense.

There are people who are scrupulously respectful of other people's boundaries and don't put themselves forward, but would be delighted to take detailed control of your life if you asked them to.

There are people who love dominating, but who do it in very different styles from what you're thinking of when you think of what a dominant is like.

So I'd say that looking for subtle, everyday signs that someone "is a dom" is a poor idea.

The most reliable way to know of someone is already involved with BDSM is to meet them in a BDSM context, or to make an unambiguous reference to kink yourself and see how they respond.

Beyond that, there are a couple ways you can flag your own interest that some people (though not all) will recognize. Look up "leather flag" and "BDSM triskelion." Those are symbols that are definite enough to not just be a coincidence, and are recognized by many kinky folks.

L a r s​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2021

I believe this may require a bit of gumption on your part. You may need to simply ask about it.

Don't be too scared, honestly. For one thing, bondage is, if I am not mistaken, the second most common fetish (after feet.) The majority of couples, albeit not a huge majority, have expressed some interest in trying it, and luckily for you, the majority of doms are male.

Am I guaranteeing that the object of your affection is secretly some leather-daddy in disguise waiting for someone to collar? No.
However, I would argue that, given how mainstream the kink has become, it is quite likely that your request will be seen with interest, or if nothing else, will not be seen as a negative.

Regardless, best of luck.
Peace

FullCanadian​(switch male){MissB} • Apr 23, 2021

Go big or go home. Why be subtle?

http://www.team-mascots.com/sub%20sandwich%20costume%20-%20submarine%20suit

Aquilla{ • • •. [} • Apr 23, 2021

Somewhere I read that only one or two percent of the population is BDSM inclined, and then only a small percentage of that population would be compatible with their opposite small percentage of the population.
It is a real moonshot.
Even with the internet it is a tough search. It takes a lot of perseverance.
People today have so many options that it is understandable that they never really make up their minds. There is always the thought that something better is out there. So they look look look.
What you are thinking is that you can take your fishing pole, line and hook, into an ocean with one fish, and then expect to catch that fish.
Very unlikely. Make a real determined attempt at using the technology, it is your best hope.