Is online domination Planned obsolescence?

Bianca15​(switch female) • Jun 25, 2018

Asteria said pretty much everything I was thinking when I read the original post. Except that even if an online only relationship IS automatically temporary, that isn't any different than many other relationships. There are plenty of real life relationships that are temporary by their very nature, casual flings, friends with benefits, etc. That doesn't make them any less "real", just a different goal in the end. Besides, almost EVERY relationship is temporary for at least one person, unless you plan on going out Romeo and Juliet style.

But it seems like a lot of people are looking for an online relationship to weed out candidates that they have no desire to have a real life relationship with. Not everyone, obviously, but that seems pretty practical to me. Still others ARE looking for online only for their own reasons, possibly one of the ones listed, or something you haven't even thought of, and then they meet someone that is special enough to make them want real life.

Notely • Jun 25, 2018

Well there is the virtual world. But really someone should get to know you not force you or sex acts. Everything should be in training not forcing you to take of clothes so on. In my early training in real was only training no sexual intercourse it was done in a professional. Even online you have to be careful someone break your feelings. Never fall for they demand you to submit or take it off they say well I will replace you ignore these kinds say no. Things have to be build in you have feelings here and energy should be respected also online. If you meet anyone try a virtual game that you can interact but know you have a brain their is a time and place for everything.

Asteria​(neither female) • Jun 25, 2018

I am wondering about that mentioned by OP inner permanence. It makes me squirm. Nothing is given to the end of time. Be it online or IRL. No one has any guarantee that relationship will be long term and if anyone says that, it is a little bit naive.

Is LDR really so different than online in terms of electronic devices? Hell no. Turn off my Internet connection and take my phone away, and I will probably go crazy after a week. And no, my relationship would probably not be able to survive anything like that. You can visit each other without scheduling things once or twice - without being able to communicate there is a fair chance that one of us would be travelling at that time, and this meeting won't work (Nirvanescu might fly in without any appointment, but there is a chance that I might not be home, right? And that goes both ways.). And that's not driving distance, it's 1200km, so every meeting costs us time and money (after all plane tickets are not for free;)).

So I guess it is safe to say that my relationship won't be able to survive Wakko's challenge. It is sad, not very comfortable, but true. Reality is what reality is. Now, does that mean that it is less real? Are my bruises less real once one of us goes back home? Not for me.

Honestly? I am not even sure that those two types, online and IRL, can even be compared. It would be silly to say that online is equal with IRL (physical interactions have their power), but that does not mean online is not real for parties involved.

DrWakko • Jun 25, 2018

I believe the challenge I came up with would be hard for all relatuinship types. I don’t think you realize just how much social media and computers play in your life. You can replace spouse with boss family or friends. It’s tougher to keep in contact when the computers and smart phones go off.

Asteria​(neither female) • Jun 25, 2018

Of course I do realise Actually, I am present in so called social media for more or less last year and a half. Yes, I am old school. I did not feel the need to create Facebook account etc. And I've had a relationship that was very IRL and not disturbed by social media for a very long time, but that still was not a recipe for a success. If someone screws up, they can blame social media, that is the easiest way, but the truth is that it is not social media who cause harm, but people.

WhiteRoses​(sub female) • Jun 25, 2018

Isn't it like everything else? Every one will have their own opinions. But to be completely closed minded about it and totally negative and at times nasty is, in my opinion, way off base.

Whatever you think the fact remains that there are going to be people for whatever reason be it physical health or mental health reasons that an online relationship is going to be a godsend. In all the bickering, let's not forget that.

As to everyone else, I have seen some very good reasons for why online works for them.

My situation and preference will remain my own for the purpose of this post. My point is some of the blanket statements I have read are hurtful and not taking into consideration all possible reasons for an online only based relationship. This is my opinion and obviously others have their own, I have read them. You can read mine or not.

White Roses

NrsGoodBody​(switch female){FREEspirit} • Jun 25, 2018

This is a topic where there will ALWAYS be strong opinions on either side of the line. BUT here's a thought; what if a person wanted to meet someone based on feelings not looks? What if they were only able to begin any type of relationship online?

I liken that little example to FB or snapchat or instagram (social media) in which we "like" or "accept" friendships with the click of a button. Why is this any different? just because its BDSM and involves kink (don't think the others don't; if you do, then stop lying to yourself) doesn't mean that you don't start online with the click of a button or liking someone before things develop and you find the time to meet them in person.

I live on a budget; are you are telling me that if I can only be online with my collar? That until I can afford to see them in person that the relationship is not real? The circumstances behind why I can't see them in person don’t matter.

I think that when building a dynamic with someone, you want to have an honest and authentic relationship no matter what. Some people are able to be more "themselves" and "real" online b/c they can share very intimate feelings without the social anxiety of a face to face conversation. The barrier leads helps them cope with that vulnerability and express their thoughts without the interference of anxiety.

The darkest of the dark thoughts come out without having to deal with the facial expressions, the body language; the look of shock, horror, or "fuck yeah! fuck me baby!!" Both parties have time to process the words and share their deepest thoughts, and when they finally meet in person, it's all out there already and they can enjoy the moment and joy of seeing the other in person without feeling anxious and dealing with those emotions.

Bonding and learning about each other online before meeting can make it easier for the person to be able to sit at their D's feet at the end of the day. Their walls are already down and they feel free because that person has accepted them and knows them well.

Regardless of the reasons why some people are online, why not just be happy they have a connection? Open up your mind and accept that just like kink, my relationship dynamic is not your relationship dynamic and that’s ok. I’m not sure why you’re so concerned about online relationships, and I feel it would be more helpful to discuss the specific issues and concerns that you share there rather than a blanket rejection of a dynamic that quite frankly, the majority of users on this site prefer.

Dumbledore​(dom male) • Jun 26, 2018

"Online v real life (ldr counts as real life)

Challenge:

You shut off your electronics and I’ll shut off mine. Let’s see whose relationship lasts longer."

Seriously? This is the level of honest discussion you're willing to engage in? This is what you consider to be a rational argument? How about we reverse this pitiful challenge.

Online vs. real life: You don't meet in real life. Let's see whether your relationship survives.

You are missing the point about online relationships so much that you don't even have the groundwork to begin to have a real discussion. But the bottom line is this: if you can only get your juices flowing by meeting someone in real life, then by all means have a real life relationship and enjoy the hell out of it. But how dare you look down on people who are a little bit more cerebral than you and get deep connections in a relationship where they for whatever reason cannot meet each other or do not want to meet each other.

This is supposed to be a community that is open to all walks of life and that is supportive to a wide range of interactions. I like the question from the OP because she's trying to understand. Your comment however, and the fact that you are "reserving" D/s relationships to what you think they should be defined as, is disgraceful.

To quote one of my favorite series: "You know nothing, Jon Snow!".

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 26, 2018

1: Online is like RL at the end of the day. Problem is a lot of people pretend it's a place you can "escape". It's not. I'm a person, you're a person. We each have history. To pretend otherwise is to invite drama. Likewise who confides to someone in a RL bar ASAP? Some people when they hit it off, like me perhaps, but I'm an exception to the rule I imagine. I'm talking getting to know the most personal details on day 1 at times.

2: Online relationships is NOT settling. Anyone that thinks otherwise does not have enough expereince about being online and close to people in the environment. That's not an opinion either. That's a simple fact. That said many only do online only relationships, but frankly I simply refuse to see how this is different then someone that does "just scenes". Personally I need RL possibilities (scene wise this would mean I'm also lifestyle). Local or not it goes like this. Get to know someone, see where things go, talk things out (and don't save talking for later. Start it RIGHT AWAY). Be understanding while pointing out obstacles and overcoming them. I actually have a knack for getting others online to see sense and not only see me as a person, but value themselves more. I also have a knack for communication in RL too, if talking sense into hostile armed people who end up liking me is anything to go by.

3: You can do just as much online as you can in RL. There's "personal posts" and then there's IC only ones. Many make the mistake of being too IC only. I call this a mistake because, long story short, I'm a person before a character. I treat others as people wherever they like it or not. Tends to go well. I lead by example, they follow suit. This way I can go "You're a person too". be there for them. etc. This would be a case of treat others as you want to be treated.

4: I've seen online relationships move into RL. MANY times at that. NOT through dating sites either. Like ANYWHERE ELSE people happen to meet in online places that aren't dating sites and get to know each other. This is why the excuse of "this is not a dating site" never stands (Fetlife for example has people that end up talking in messages and meeting up despite the complaints of some people on the site). It doesn't matter if you're local or not. If you care that much about someone you'll find a way to make things work out. Anyone that uses "local" as an excuse simply means "You're not worth the effort". Anyone that shies away from an area due to not being used to the environment simply means "You don't interest me enough to see if things can work here". Doesn't mean having to leave your own comfort zone behind either. I'd take just as much issue with someone saying online is superior then someone saying RL is. Both have their pros and cons. Either way if you happen to get to know someone well enough online through "just happening to meet" enjoy what you have and work on more down the line. Can be not easy, is worth it if you stop making excuses and keep in mind RL barriers can be just as, or even more daunting. Frankly, distance and living conditions is low on my list of concerns. Shit like that is nothing compared to someone being a widow who lost a husband and is afraid of being close to others period. Said person of which I am close too because I realise online isn't an excuse and go "Oh, so that's why you been distant with me". Don't focus on "online". Focus on the "reasons". Which would be applying in RL as well.

Regarding 4. There was them not being around much at first. Again, this would have happened in RL too. It wasn't due to lack of caring but because they made the mistake of being more involved with "themselves" then "us". I already knew that would happen but I had to let them go through the process so they'd know it themselves (only way. Fuck lecturing them over and over. I mention now and then then I leave them too it). Eventually they end up realising this and feel bad for neglecting me. Now they're more then happy to make the time and effort. That's one person. Let's look at another. Same pattern. Let's look at RL. Same pattern. People can know yet they'll make mistakes anyway. Let them make 'em and they'll learn to keep you in mind more. Some people already made mistakes before you meet them. But others still struggle.

6: Online provides more opportunities to get to know people. RL or not that's just a simple fact (maybe skip facebook though). Even if someone tries to avoid relationships I've treated them like people that aren't "sex/date objects" (though sexual places online can be a good way to meet too. I used to shy away from that area in the past) and it's gotten results. No joke, I've gotten close to the "cold and distant" types. Personality types is another topic though. One to look out for online however is "happy masks". Again, a common trait in RL as well. What I do is go straight for "blunt honesty" with everyone I meet. Truth is the truth. Simple as.

7: EVERYONE has problems. I take offence to an earlier post that implies online is for people with "health issues". What's more online can be a place where you hurt others and even get them killed if you're careless. Speaking from experience on that account. For my part things ended well. Others can't be so lucky. And those that aren't online likely remain hidden in a dark room in their house hiding their pain from others where no one sees it (which, ironically, you can do online as well). Or otherwise aren't seen confiding into others they know. Because, you know, no one's looking at them other then them and the people they know. Online just happens to be a place you can SEE others doing more where word gets around more easily. I consider that a good thing in some ways. Means others that go "I hate you" can end up catching wind and being there instead. Exes can be such funny things.

8: I also have two exes. They used to hate each other. As in they saw only the worst of each other.They ended up having a crush on each other because I looked past the worst of them when they only saw that in each other. Seeing them be there for each other, that's the only time in my whole life I ever cried tears of joy. The things we had all gone through could fill 10 RL books. Bad times and good alike.

9: I'm quite clear on how my posts are directed towards others. I can't make someone post a certain way with me but I can and will be "persoanl" regardless of any IC only comments. I'm more of a "personal poster". I make it VERY clear that I'm posting as MYSELF and NOT a character. Anyone wanting a "fix" can go take a hike, to be frank. Likewise many others PRETEND to post as characters when the reality is they post what they do based on their PERSONAL FEELINGS. Frankly, it's hypocritical. eg: If someone feels like actually giving you a hug they're more likely to post hugging you. When I'm IC only my character is an evil sod. I enjoy having my character being put in line (as well as myself). Naturally I can't assume others will just do that when I'm being all "evil" which isn't the best way to get to know people right off the bat. And many can shy away from "friendly hostility", which everyone warms up too after some explanation on the matter. Long story short, be clear on that shit. What online needs more of is communication. But then I can easily say the same for RL too. In some ways online has better communication in some ways. You quite literary take "turns" to speak and can "pause and think" more easily.

10: Just like RL I make intentions known right off the bat. "Hi, you interest me. I'd like us to have each others back in all things with possibilities down the line." Online and RL alike most people actually aren't that good at doing that. It is a struggle at times. Somehow I manage. Quickly too. What takes a long time for some takes a shorter amount of time for me. It's not just the "time". It's "The time you're around, talking and doing things together". Of which, naturally, is bound to be less lacking on the other end until they get to know you and warm up to your company more. What I do is "remind" others. Many hold their tongues and let themselves be neglected. You see it more online but it happens in RL just as much.

11: Finally I'm on the comp every day and all day. This basically means I have much much more experience with online matters. Take me at my word or don't, but pretend you know all about it when you don't even post to others online daily and you're the last person to lecture me about how possible or not it is to get close to people online when you don't have the talent and skill to do so. Which, like anything else, can be learned. Personally I started as posting as a feral way back in my Furcadia days. Found it easier somehow. In time I moved up to making longer posts, moving up to anthro and, as much as long posts can be fun, I've found enjoyment in the "shorter style". All that said post styles is in itself another topic. Just keep in mind that there's "writing a story together" and "hanging out". I think it's VERY important to keep that in mind.

12: It's worth keeping in mind that online you can more easily "grab" whatever items you need. Imagination costs nothing. This does not however mean what "might be done if the items were real" is fantasy alone. It can easily mean "If these items were on hand this is how I'd like them used on each other". This in turn can easily lead to doing more in RL. If only because ideas from one area can be applied to another. Funnels, gags, awesome looking masks that happen to muzzle someone, buttplugs, cuffs with timers on them... That's not even half of what I picked up online. Likewise Some RL ideas can be transferred to the online area to enhance things as well. Also worth keeping in mind there's a difference between immersion and realism. One can be immersive and "real" while another might try to "escape their real selves or use you as a quick fix without wanting to get to know you".

Hisproclivity​(sub female) • Jun 26, 2018

Nirvanescu....*begins slow clap*