How to find the right DOM

Hannah97(sub female)

4 years ago • Jul 12, 2021

First off, I’m sorry this happened to you, truly no individual deserves this. Second, I had a very similar experience with the first Dom I found online. We ended up having a full relationship, dating and all. Things were great, perfect actually. Then, something just snapped in him. He wouldn’t answer his phone or respond to messages. Initially I thought something happened to him as it seemed out of character, but then I knew better. I thought I had screwed something up, as I had no idea why he would do this. We were together for nearly a year, and I never received an explanation.
Just as you did, I reacted out of hurt and anger. I texted him after a few weeks and told him to delete my number and any photos that he had. I felt completely used, humiliated and naive. It’s the most sickening feeling.
Fast forward 2 years and I still don’t trust online Doms, let alone relationships in general! Generally speaking, I’m on here for the blogs/forums, not necessarily relationships. Don’t get me wrong, there are really nice Doms on the site, but I find online relationships to be difficult. While you generally know who you’re talking to, assuming you video chat/send regular pics, it is still difficult to know fully who that person is. It’s so easy for people to have additional “lives” aside from the one they tell you about.
Wrapping all of it up, my advice is to be weary of online Doms. It is so very important to know fully who you are interacting with. The minute you feel something is off or there’s a red flag, don’t ignore it, you have that feeling for a reason and it is valid. Again, I’m so sorry you had this experience, please don’t feel guilty, you are not the person at fault.?

cherilynn(sub female)

4 years ago • Jul 15, 2021

I, too, am so sorry that you had to go through that experience. It is so painful to meet a person who we believe understands us and our needs like no other just to be disgarded like a worn out pair of shoes. I know because I have been there. Please know it isn't your fault.

Bunnie and Subtlehush nailed it. Let me encourage you to read their posts again, thoughtfully and carefully.

Also, let me encourage you to set the search for a dom on the back burner for now.
Take your time and get to know you first. You have only had a small taste of what BDSM is and it encompasses so much. You may not be submissive and that's OK. You may fit in elsewhere but until you know that, the chances of finding what you seek are slim to none.

Lastly, but certainly not least, don't give up on your journey. You were so brave to take the first steps and there are wonderful people and experiences in your future.
I wish you well

abetterprovider(dom male)	abetterprovider(dom male) 4 years ago • Jul 15, 2021 4 years ago • Jul 15, 2021 abetterprovider(dom male) • Jul 15, 2021 Now that the pandemic is waning, munches are beginning again. These are a great way to vet meet lin a safe and transparent environment. Any Dominant with experience should be easy to vet. If not, that's a flag. The s-types have offered excellent advice as well.

lifedomhere(dom male)

4 years ago • Jul 16, 2021

Can we pin this comment? ?

4 years ago • Jul 16, 2021

Kelpi wrote:

Get to know the man not the Dom. If he is a good man then he can be a good Dom. Any fool can say he is a dom but being a good one takes time training and heart. If his heart is not in the right place he will never be the one you need or want. I was once told by a sub that she met two doms one line and went to meet them at a motel. She was raped and put in the hospital both time but never filed charges. I offered to meet her at the mall in the food court just to talk. She ran away and stopped talking to me.
You just need to take time and not jump in like most people do. It is worth the wait to find the right one.

Serendipity1900s

4 years ago • Jul 18, 2021

‘But he seemed intelligent and empathic, savouring the possibility of overpowering my mind THROUGH my body.’

I’m sorry to hear about your experience.

I am constantly reading and learning about this lifestyle from the right sources and one of the key things learnt is- the very essence of BDSM is Power Exchange.

To summarise-The physical comes later. It is the Mind that takes precedence over all else.In other words-
take. your. time. A BDSM dynamic takes time and effort.

The Dominant and you need to spend a a lot of time (takes minimum 4-6 weeks) understanding each other before you even take it to the next phase of discussions, forget first scene.

I suggest texting/talking first before the first coffee meet even.

There are quite a few ways of vetting a Dominant. One of the easiest and best ways, is Time. Time is the only test in the absence of anything else, that’ll bring you the right Dominant.

Read a lot. Talk to other submissives and Dominants with no expectations at first. Don’t jump in right away.

Good luck!

Talisa(sub female)

4 years ago • Sep 22, 2021

I have been searching almost five years, and I have encountered mostly doms who are in a boring vanilla marriage and just want to have online fun. While they believe their lies are harmless, getting me to trust them and believing they are real, does quite a bit of damage. I have also encountered the predators unfortunately, and I’m sorry that has happened to you. I was raped two summers ago but had no recourse, but the second one last year, I was able to retaliate. Yes, I feel like the fool for trusting, so now I have developed a protocol for myself that I never waiver from. Even in those initial days of sub frenzy.

I will not even begin a conversation unless he says he is single, available, his age, experience, and profession. I also need a photo upfront. If he starts off bullying me about my lack of submission, I do not answer. I know we subs feel the urge to answer every message and to be polite, but only for real doms worth your time.

After a photo, we must text for a while, get to know each other. If he asks for nude photos, he gets blocked and I move on.

A phone call must happen within a few days or week. Video is even better. I always make sure communication happens at different times.. does he call only from the car, from work, never in the evenings or weekends? These are definitely red flags.

First meeting is never sex, always in a public place. By this time I should know his full name, number, and address. I ALWAYS run a background check before meeting. If all goes well, I stick with the public places until I feel comfortable. By this time he should be in my head and trust has developed. First play scene is best at a public event, and first private meeting I prefer at his place so I can leave if necessary. I carry a knife in my boot, pepper spray in my bag, and CCH when possible.

I have met several wonderful doms and a few that turned into amazing D/s relationships. Otherwise I would not keep trying. I do get stars in my eyes when meeting a potential new dom online, but life has taught me to always follow the rules I have set for myself. If He is the One, he will understand and be patient.

-t

MrVesper(dom male){Not Lookin}

4 years ago • Sep 22, 2021

Read Read Read. Make friends with other submissive Men and Women and listen and learn from their experiences. Go to munches. Observe. Create a safety network for support and guidance beyond the Cage. Chat and meet with both dominant Men and Women and pick their brains, with the understanding you are not looking to commit or 'play.'

Dont focus on a single sex. D/s can transcend male/female dynamic. Take your time. They are many in this arena who are not what they present. And that goes for both Dom and Sub.

If you do happen to meet a Dom who you are attracted too, then ask for reference, and reach out to the former submissive(s). A dominant with history will not hesitate to provide this information.

CallMeOz(dom male)

4 years ago • Sep 22, 2021

I have heard similar stories too many times. Im outraged at the way these so-called Doms treat a submissive. My advice is to attend munches and public events. Get to know people by spending time with them in safe surroundings. If you encounter a Dom who you are attracted to, start by building friendship. Ask a lot of questions, about everything. If he is a Dom to be trusted he will willingly answer without reserve. A "Dom" who claims up or gets defensive is one with something to hide. Take your time getting to know them... you've waited this long to find someone, a few more weeks won't hurt. Remember the power is yours to give. Not his to take.

I'mME

3 years ago • Aug 25, 2022

BSG wrote:

Though your initial experience was not as you may have hoped for I agree with others that you should not be discouraged.

Life is meant to be "lived" not pre-ordained or pre-destined. That doesn't mean you can not influence things through your personal choices, it Does mean that you don't control the outcome on Your Own. Nobody can do so, regardless of thier role within this lifestyle.

Your Submission, which Contrary to your self reflection IS YOUR NATURE, is far more a Journey rather than a Destination. And along that journey you will Experience Many Things and PEOPLE of Various Natures.

Doms (and Masters) are still Humans and thus have the SAME inherent ability as subs (slaves, or ?) to fail themselves and others as we ALL travel the paths that are set before us (by our own choices as we journey).

My personal thoughts are that within this Lifestyle that we All have chosen it is Far more important to understand that it is HOW we Experience the Journey that Truly matters and NOT the "Destination" .

Our DESTINATION will be where we find Ourselves WHEN Our journey has Ended.

Your submission is a Personal journey that you Can and Should be involved through your OWN thoughts and CHOICES. Yes Others Guide and Pretend to Choose for you but you Should ALWAYS have the Ultimate Decision.

Of course, these are only MY personal opinions and thoughts.

Sir

After reading your post several times, it reads as if you are dismissive of what is a very real thing in this lifestyle.
By that I am referring to what Bunnie addressed in her post. I would agree with your statement that nothing IS pre-ordained, but for the fact that of POS like the OP encountered is a common occurrence and then it's dismissed so easily by male Dominants.
So I think that the OP made mistakes, absolutely, do I think that subs should take their share of responsibility in most situations, absolutely.

Itw when I read answers such as a few on this thread, that I a little peeved. Yes that is my issue, but I also think that people should stand up, while on this Earth, and give a damn. When people give themselves a label, such as Dominant, then a person such as the one that the OP encountered, gives themselves the same label that I subscribe to, I would stand [like I do] and speak out against such behavior in the community. The more people that stand up and let it be known what is unacceptable , the better the community is.

I'mME

3 years ago • Aug 25, 2022

SubtleHush wrote:

FlavaVirago

Bunnie nailed it.

Many guys (most?) want a virgin and in the absence of a sexual one, they seek virginity in another form. Just as a vanilla guy will seduce a virgin into bed and then lose interest, so too do we have them here.

However, let's take the BDSM and the power exchange dynamic out of this for a moment.

Think of something you love. When you go shopping to buy more of that thing (shoes, clothes, even an apartment or car) do you ever assume the first one you see will be "the one"?

I hope not. We all know there are knock-off/copycat products. Cheap shit made up to look like good shit. And once you get suckered into buying cheap, you inevitably end up buying often. And more than that is the buyer's remorse when the hype and the reality of the commercial don't match up day to day.

If you're like me, not that you have to be, you expect to go to a few stores on your shopping spree. You scrutinize buttons, sewing and fit when in need of a top. You ask about mileage and shy away from overly pushy salesmen when in the dealership. And if you are smart like me, you did some research online first to see which model cars had the best ratings and best reputation.

Vacation time? Go to the library and skim some books, or call a friend who was where you are going for some tips.

We do this because if we just ask the salesman, he will sell us on what is going to be best for him. And like the guy you met, once the deal is made and he gets his, he won't think of you again. He'll be on selling to another because it really is a numbers game.

See where I'm going here?
..............

I don't know why you ended up here but I'm sure many house-bound people did and the commercial for this life is pretty appealing. When I found it, I spent a year learning and studying real content, like long time published and well-respected books. I didn't watch movies that are all fantasy. I didn't listen to random salesmen who had all the right answers. I treated exploring this like I treated shopping for anything else. And even in that, I got hurt now and then too.

Long-timers like me see a surge in online and real-time events by people who read the dirty books, saw the movies, or got spanked once or are just totally bored and this seems "cool". And it is cool. But it isn't instant, easy, or simple.

In a nutshell, you cannot let the salesmen who want a virgin sell you on this. For many of them, this is roleplay and if you knew their real lives you wouldn't give them a single thought. And they know that too. They know that it is a matter of time before they are found out as frauds or users, so they maximize their pleasure (theirs I said) knowing full well that in a short time, you will see behind the mask and know the truth about them. So they hit and quit it and move on to the next.

Just like people who rent expensive items like 55" TVs knowing they can't pay the bill. They know it's going to be taken away, so they enjoy it as much as possible. (yes this is a thing)
..............
As far as finding the right Dom.

You really don't know who you are or how you fit into this realm. You don't know if you even want to be here. So you cannot possibly find the right Dom until you do some learning and figure out what type of 'right' you are.

So go to Amazon and search BDSM, Look for books published a long time ago and still in circulation. Avoid Avoid Avoid the fantasy bullshit. It may be fun to get you off but it isn't real or sustainable. And see if you have a real interest in shopping in this realm with your own knowledge. (And IF your guy had skill and knowledge as he pretended to, he wouldn't have needed to give you homework and dirty movies to watch. He would have answered your questions personally and then sent you to choose your own books on Amazon. All he did was get you horny for him.)

And men who want to mentor you are just another version of that guy. I promise all they want is in your pants and your BDSM virginity. And then they move on too.
..............

Some see this phase as a right of passage. Hard to know what good is until you've weathered some bad stuff. But you do have to learn and if you take a mentor, it should be a female with nothing to gain from your naivete but first, you need to know if you are submissive or something else and then find a mentor in that ilk.

Hope it helps.
H*

I liked what you had to write. Firsts..... I will point out that I have definitely seen the mentality of ''right of passage, some bad experiences. Actually quite a bit in certain groups on Fet, I will state that I am not of that mindset.
I believe that comes from being jaded and is not a healthy thing to have inside of one's self.