Defeated :( Help me

minasubforu • Oct 9, 2021

I'm relatively new here and had quite a few messages initially. I checked their profiles and the ones that looked legit I answered politely as I was not looking. I came here to learn and make friends. In time the messages slowed, I have connected with some super nice people. I'm learning more and more each day. Don't rush it, take your time and reach out to experienced subs.

Rosybeth​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Oct 9, 2021

I will tell you that The Cage is the best website that I have experienced thus far. The other websites are garbage. Just be sure to set yourself up with a support system to help you when you are feeling especially sensitive to nasty Doms--or just nasty people, for that matter.

Lastly, try to see the humor in what they say. Make light of the matter, and know that it will indeed get better.

Reply to Banemus - fake doms

CSI • Oct 9, 2021

Fake doms are pretty subjective, but generally include anyone who demands honorifics or submission immediately without getting to know the other person, those who don't understand the lifestyle involves more than just sex, that having a submissive/slave is a rather large responsibility that not everyone is equipped to take on, and those that self-title themselves immediately after discovering BDSM (like one 19 year old who titled himeself a master...I had to question a master of what).

DrWakko • Oct 9, 2021

The effort you put into finding a relationship will be the quality of relationship you can expect to find. What do you expect when you don't leave your phone or computer? Go to a munch. Meet people. Put the phone down and go to kink events. There you will find quality people. Its not about instant gratification, it takes time to find the right person.

@ CSI

Banemus​(dom male) • Oct 9, 2021

Thank you for the reply.

That coincides with my train of thought.
For the last several years, I came to the conclusion that a relationship would only work for Me was in the way that I take control/responsibility of everything and that My significant other would be an extension of Me. That is the ideal for Me.
After having a long chat with a friend of Mine, she pointed out to Me that what I wanted was actually a D/s relationship. Which took Me off guard because I never made that connection. I never actually dived into the whole bdsm world. I only knew about it because of what society told Me about it.
When doing the test and doing some research, I figured out that I'm very much a Dom naturally and noticed this in a lot of aspects in My life. I now call Myself very proudly a Dom. Not for the sexual aspects but for the responsibility aspects of it.

When the sub makes a mistake, that is My fault. I did not teach her well enough so I need to take responsibility to fix the collateral damage she caused and then teach her how to do things properly.

To be honest, the sexual aspect is very foreign to Me but it does sound very interesting. I wouldn't mind spending some time to "rig" something or to make a collar Myself for My sub. Ngl, I'm excited to explore this but it is absolutely not a main priority for Me.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Oct 9, 2021

Hi Banemus,

Gosh, we do use lots of jargon and regularly forget that people new to this won’t understand us.

Fake Dom is a term used (in a derogatory way if we are honest) to describe someone who is identifying as a Dominant individual, however is not what the rest of us determine to be a true Dom. In reality what we mean is someone who’s not actually looking to form a dynamic with someone else based on a mutual exchange, but is simply looking for a quick “fix” for themselves, be that pictures, messages, or meeting up and sex……. Typically, they don’t invest time in understanding their potential partner, to understand how to get the best out of them - because they’re merely looking to satisfy themselves. You’ll also see the term Insta Dom used - meaning much the same thing. 90% of the time here, this refers to a male pursuing a female. However, other combinations do of course happen….

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 9, 2021

The Cage.. Best platform many have experienced. For me it's up there among the best, and I am not just talking about this particular type of website.

But remember, Online is online and everyone gets the "opportunity" to meet a variety of people online, some will be OK, others will not.

I post to forums and engage in conversation with anyone who sends a message but beyond that I stick with people I meet out in "the world"-- in my day to day life.

For the most part, at this juncture, it's just friendly contact. But even then, bars, clubs, munches, among many places people go to meet and hopefully make connections-- are also populated by the same personalities. Those you might take a liking to and others who you wouldn't want to scrape off your shoe after a walk in risky grass.

Bottom line, to be in places of this nature, other social media sites, and of course "out in the world" will take somewhat of a thick skin and discerning "palate" if you are looking to make a connection either as a friend or more.


When I joined I got the usual inbox explosions but over time and as I made my "purpose" in here abundantly clear in my profile, by and by the traffic slowed and I no longer cringe at the sight of a red number beside the envelope icon top-right.

K needs D{RTeacher } • Oct 9, 2021

Dear coco,

I feel YOU! Was on the edge of giving up on this site myself this week.

No one on here has been worth my tears but time wasters - YES!!!

I can not really offer advice to you - sorry! But I can share my decision why I choose to stay on here with you.

First, I still have a lot to learn.
Second, I was thinking about how many strange people I came across social media (not bdsm related, not dating related or anything). And i don't even want to start to think about all the fake, time-wasting, strange people I've met in real life so far on a day to day basis.

So how hard will it be to find a Dom and not just any Dom but one that comes equipped with the abilities I crave - very hard!!! And it can't be done in the short run.

I can relate to almost all the replies so far .

Sorry I couldn't help more. Hang on

(Hope you can understand me, english is not my native language - I'm always a little bit timid about that)

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2021

Rosybeth​(sub female)

"I will tell you that The Cage is the best website that I have experienced thus far. The other websites are garbage."

..............................
Every other site is NOT garbage. Silly and useless thing to say. Not to mention that the odds of you having been on every other site is highly unlikely.

Many free sites have good and bad features, authentic and phony-baloney people. It's a continuum. You can benefit from many of them IF you learn to be confident in yourself and just shut down anyone who acts asshole-ish.

You don't have to correct or discuss bad behavior with someone inappropriate because they already know they are inappropriate. Just shut them down and move on.

Giving total strangers power over you is a common thing for new people. I did it too. I saw a stranger as real and myself as too new to know. But the truth is bullies thrive in faceless and nameless realms where they can be dicks for free and then run away.

There is an older man here who writes to me every now and then. He is too far away and I politely have said, no thanks you are too far away. What do I get for my politeness? He curses me out and blocks me. Big man huh? And I see him posting all this lofty stuff on discussion forums all the time.

I assume he is just a jerk and maybe forgetful since he kept coming back. Although now he is blocked. I see his bad behavior as proof positive that he is NOT in possession of dominant qualities. Set your own standard of what good conduct and dominant self-control are and judge accordingly.

I do not assume that you should have done anything differently.

And please don't listen to people who tell you anything that stifles you from exploring other sites on your own. You have to form your own learning goals. Not adopt the negativity of others who talk like they know but clearly do not.

H*

NoClvrNickname​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2021

Just because you go to a place where people theoretically have the same interests as you (sports bar, let’s say, because it’s an easy example), that doesn’t mean that you’re gonna walk in and be best buddies with everyone from the get-go.

Some people are gonna hate you because you pull for their arch nemesis
Some people are gonna be drunk and looking for a fight
Some people are gonna be too handsy and be all over you and not want to take no for an answer
Some people will buy you a drink and then expect something from you in return
Some people don’t care about sports at all but they are just poking their head in to see what’s up or because a friend told them about it
Etc
Etc
Etc

You wouldn’t just ASSUME everyone in the building has your best interests at heart and have no ulterior motives or personality conflicts.

It’s the same here. There are some great people and there are some complete assholes. That doesn’t say anything bad about The Cage; that’s just how the world is.