Would you give this all up?

Would you give this all up?

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2021

I'm interested in knowing how many of you would give all this up for someone who isn't into the lifestyle.
If you met someone who your mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to. Who shares all the same morals and beliefs as you. But who also doesn't explore or have any interest in the lifestyle.

No kinks, No fetishes, No munchs, No play parties, No poly or open relationships.

Would you walk away from them?
Or
Would you give up the lifestyle to be with them?

ribbonbaby​(sub female){Guarded} • Oct 22, 2021

That is a really tough question...
I think, if I had known about the LS before? I probably would have waited for someone in the LS too.
But now? That's a whole different ballgame, and the opposite is true. I would give up the LS if necessary.

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 22, 2021

Good question. The short answer for me is... I would give up the lifestyle to be with them.

I've mentioned this before in other posts, but the gist of it is, it is much harder for me, as a male with submissive/kink tendencies, to find a partner to whom I am mutually attracted, compatible with, is dominant, available, and who is into "the lifestyle" than it is for a male with dominant tendencies, or a female with submissive tendencies. At some point, you just get lonely.

Bunnie • Oct 22, 2021

Put simply, No, I wouldn’t give up being who I truly am. Been there, done that. It doesn’t honour anyone.
When I ended my marriage I made a promise to myself. Never again would I allow myself to believe that love alone would be enough. If we connected on all of the levels you speak, then that person would be a part of this lifestyle, because my morals, values, beliefs, sexual desires and concepts around intimacy are intricately woven through everything that “this” is.

Of course, when I speak of lifestyle I don’t mean “kink” and “play.” Of course those things will shift and change with life. What I speak of when I say “lifestyle” is the fundamental… the foundation… the very core of what is built together.

RuleMaker​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2021

I would not and will not go back to vanilla. I respect that others may feel differently; but for me, it’s too hard to love someone who at best can’t relate to what I need physically and at worst thinks I’m some kind of freak. I’d rather be celibate.

JustGreenie • Oct 22, 2021

No I wouldn't give up something that allows me to openly be who I really am. I never want to feel like I have to hide who and what I am when it comes to me as a whole being. Why should I have to choose between anything, there should always be a way to make it all fit together.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 22, 2021

Simple short answer NO. It is who I am, what I am and how I have always been. "it" is central to my being, I cant change who I am. I doubt I would be attracted to someone external to the lifestyle anyway

Bunnie summed it up so well for me



*Edited to fix the quote code.

Cressida Clytie​(masochist female){Taken} • Oct 22, 2021

Hard NO.

This is me. How can we connect if we do not have the same level of energy in the first place?
Yes, I can be attracted to someone especially if they are really good-looking. I love eye-candy. But if they aren't in the lifestyle, I will not put someone in a position that they aren't comfortable in.
We can both compromise but if it means a whole change in both of our lifestyles, I would rather stay friends with him.

My vanilla friends always set me up on dates, I met this guy that is worthy of marriage (yes, that good. We're still friends). I'm happy with him but I build dynamics not Sunday bake-off with other couples.

I already have the lifestyle secret to my family and friends. I have no plans to keep it secret from my future partner.

Morgein • Oct 22, 2021

This is who I am. Submissive isn't a role that I play. It isn't a mask that I put on and take off. If I have sex with or am romantically involved with someone vanilla, I'm always wanting "more" from the interaction, and because of the lack of that "more," the interaction will never be satisfying. It doesn't matter how wonderful the other is, they will never be enough, and that's not fair to them or to me.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 22, 2021

I did date one vanilla man and was seriously questioning myself about being with him and giving this up. (I don't believe you date vanillas without them knowing about this or without the intention of going vanilla.)

Then he started showing his vanilla views of women and how it was all about him.
When I told him I was authoring a book, he said nice. But never even asked what it was about.
When I said I might go to Grad school, he said, sure, I have to take care of myself.

He wasn't invested in me beyond this dating thing. He couldn't even invest in showing interest in me.

And I remembered that this is not a lifestyle about kink or power exchange. It's a lifestyle about people evolving into each other.

My Ds relationships included Dominant men who 'liked' women. Who liked me and I liked them. We supported each other's dreams and wanted each other safe and happy.
I was with men who marveled at all we shared sexually and were not locked into the belief that my orgasm was an ego stroke to them.

We shared a belief in crafting our relationship to maximize joy for both of us. We shared vanilla life effortlessly and to most were just ordinary people. Between us, however, I would deny him nothing and he would never ask me to do anything that I would have to say no to.

I have no issue with strong and evolved vanilla men and have known many. I could lose the kink and would be submissive to him even if it didn't have a name.

But there seem to be so few of them in my age group who aren't coupled.

Once you've had that type of partner, this is much more than a thought experiment or a wish. It is a dream you wait for and hope to be able to dream again.

H*