LongerJohnny wrote:
Closetedfreak wrote:
the concept of going months, years or never is about like saying you know a guy who chooses not to eat for weeks on end.
I don't get it either, but I also don't get what makes someone a sub or a masochist yet every day I praise the bdsm gods that they exist.
It takes all of us, even people like you and me who, in this case, just don't understand.
i 'm a gay, sub total bottom boy. Most people have no idea, i'm not stereotypical with any of those things. i can trace all of those attributes back as early as age 7, my memory and feelings of the first alpha Top boy i had a crush on at that age is as clear today as if they just happened.
Like others, i do not pretend to fully grasp the 'why' behind who and how i am, but have learned through life that understanding can be highly overrated. For me, knowing, accepting and learning to live with reality has brought peace, security and contentment to my life. i grew up in an era and culture+religious culture that conditioned me against who i am... or attempted to do so. i tried most of my life to become and be what the cultures i was raised in said i should be, i've had the "gay demons cast out" of me, been through the religious version of therapy (so called "reparative therapy") that told me i was broke and tried to fix me. i believed all of it and sincerely went along with it, got married to a woman, etc..
Cultures attempt, and my participation in those efforts, altered my behavior for awhile (sort of), but not who i am, my needs and wants always had to be repressed and suppressed, they were never gone. Who i am, and my accompanying needs and desires, has remained a constant my whole life.
i think what often makes it hard to understand who and how we are is because we lack the reassuring and affirming context of culture. If one is different from the norm, the resulting feeling is that of being distorted, broken. By the time most of us realize that there are others like us, a whole community, the damage has been done. Those who fit into normative culture never question why they are thus because they have always been accepted for who and how they are, but that does not constitute understanding of why they are as they are. The question just never comes up for them.
Long preamble, sorry.
i masturbate, but it's a mixed thing for me. my psychosexual wiring is such that i only feel physically and psychologically fulfilled sexually (and beyond, everything is connected, my sexuality is not isolated from the rest of me). Ideally, i would only orgasm from being penetrated by a Man (turns out this is possible), with little to no stimulation of my penis. To me it's sort of like i have a male version of a clitoris and vagina. Which is not to say i am a trans person, or a woman i a male body, i am not,
i masturbate when i don't have a Man in my life, but my drive and energy is to edge to make me more needy to receive a Man, not to get off that way. Any time i orgasm from stimulating my penis, i am unfulfilled and actually disappointed afterwards. There is the natural release of physical tension that comes with the orgasm, but it's never complete physically and not at all emotionally/psychologically.
When i was still trying to conform and change, i was married to a woman. i learned her anatomy and physiology early on and got really good at giving her multiple orgasm. That almost always started with clitoral stimulation, though i eventually learned how to stimulate the g-spot and it usually was a combination of the two. i have only ever been with one woman, but had a lot of practice with her lol, but i cannot make universal claims about "all women." But with her, over time, mind blowing orgasms were not enough... she needed to be wanted and needed in order to experience fulfillment, and i can relate. We were also similar in that non penetrative orgasm was not fulfilling. i could give her multiple orgasms from stimulating her clitorally, but she would beg to be penetrated when she was peaking. i can relate to that too.