Neediness in Submissives

Bunnie • Apr 5, 2022

“my feeling of not having my emotional needs met”

This here says it all. Many times I wrote about, and have read about, the initial neediness we discover in ourselves when first exploring ourselves as submissives. It fascinates me that we consider this to be so shameful in vanillalandia. And some people here still do too. When you meet those who’ve been walking this journey for a while though, I think we tend to come to learn to see it a little differently, and definitely not something to be ashamed of. It is simply about having our emotional needs met. That requires a lot of patience and time and effort, especially in early stages. We are scared. These are uncharted waters, and learning to become vulnerable, sometimes for the first time in our lives, can be terrifying and very confronting. It’s a two-person effort to build the trust that comforts this feeling of having our emotional needs met. If he isn’t meeting this very important need, it is definitely a discussion you both need to have. Not as a finger pointing session, but as a way of sharing with him how important this aspect is to the strength of your foundation together. As scary as it is, bringing this to him for discussion is the only way over hurdles like these.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Apr 6, 2022

Everyone's given some really nice perspectives, so I can't add much but for me it's also having just an infinite amount of love that I have to PUT somewhere, or it builds up into this churning mass inside my chest. So I end up needing... an outlet for giving attention, even if it's just someone being a presence, way more than I think most people expect from a typical relationship.

Zelia • Apr 6, 2022

One thing you may find useful is to consider the use of rituals and structures to shape your day. Says you’re able to serve and please your Dom without his presence. A word of caution, these can pull a sub further into their world without the same dedication from the Dom. They should be coupled with affirmation and appreciation.
People have commitments, work and suchlike. It’s natural to settle into an ebb and flow of communication, that said poor communication outside of sessions is a red flag for me. If someone has time for sessions and to task their sub, they should make time for them outside of that context.
I’m glad to hear you’re working it out and hope things continue to improve. Nobody is an actual toy to be picked up for play only and shouldn’t be treated as such. We all have responsibilities, the sub to serve and please, the Dom to nurture and care. Both of these take time.

Atilla​(switch male){Owned} • Apr 7, 2022

this is an area that i have struggled mightily with as well. i am the primary submissive in a switch dynamic, and i have learned that my s side is very needy sometimes. i have not always dealt with it in the most effective ways, but i have recently found some greater peace in general. i am a service submissive. initially when i was feeling needy, i would lean into my chores and cleaning and cooking - things that i knew would please my Mistress. in my situation, though, because of challenges within my own body, that isn't always an effective option. if for some reason i am having a challenging day physically, not being able to do the things i feel like i should can sometimes make me feel worse.

recently, i realized something, though. even though this moment, right now, feels like the only moment, it really truly isn't. in a LD situation, every small expression matters. if you are in separate time zones, and they woke up and kissed you on the forehead, that matters. the photo of "being ready for work" matters. the play call yesterday matters. i was once told that in relationships we have to "assume good will". in LD this is especially true. so ultimately, you can sit and work your stomach into knots and worry and pine and everything. that is a choice, though. a more productive way of going at it, though, in my experience is starting here:

"Do i trust my dominant? Do i assume good will?" if you can answer yes, then move on to the next:

"Why am i in this dynamic? are these reasons still present?" you are where you are for a reason. if the reasons that you are committed to your D type are still there, then the above maybe helps. the worrying is only going to make you feel bad and eventually will rub your D the wrong way. it is inevitable.

if the reasons you are in your dynamic are not still present, you probably have cause to do some soul-searching. you might ask yourself "have these things shifted to something that is more important or educational to me?" or "were these items really that important in the first place?"

i don't know if any of this helps at all. know that you are not alone in feeling these things, though. these things have helped me in recent times, though. yrmv i guess. but i wish you good luck navigating this, though. it is not easy. for me it is the hardest part of being a submissive. being a submissive, however, does not mean that you cannot also be a logical being (in the absolute least accusatory way possible).

Forge​(dom male) • Apr 7, 2022

Is it normal to need things? Why of course. Is it common to need a lot of something? Common, yes. You have to decide what is the appropriate amount of something for you. It won’t always be the same amount for some one else. Keep in mind though, that they may need more of a certain thing than you do. Find a level that you’re comfortable with, find someone else that’s comfortable with that level and some one whose needs you can meet.

Don’t judge your desires based on what others think or say, if you’re not comfortable with it…it will eat at you until you face it. Remember “normal” is a setting on the dryer.

I'mME • Apr 18, 2022

'neediness'

I believe the root word of that would be need. Some Doms do not like needy subs. To them I say, so you can not or will not meet a subs needs?

Needs, wants, would like are categories I use in my life all the time and Maslow's hierarchy is one that is used in D/s , M/s.

OP if you need some more one on one outside of a scene, then it should be always be front and center when negotiating.

Why should a sub feel shame and for needing more of something such as time , when Doms go about the very thing of 'training' a sub to those lines.

I'mME • Apr 18, 2022

I am adding to my comment.
@Bunnie
Once again, I am in 100% agreement with your words. Very well stated, you remember I am more of a blunt person, lol.

@Atilla​(switch male){Owned}

I did some thinking about what you wrote, and I was shaking my head no, no, but then I let it sift through my mind some more because I wanted to give myself a chance to figure out what bothered me about your answer. You seem to be a thoughtful person, well written answer. My conclusion is that your advice is spot on ....for an established dynamic, and one that is not LD.
A LDR is different and needs some special attention focused on how to keep the D/s power exchange/mindset. You also mentioned that you throw yourself into service acts when feeling 'too needy' except it only makes the time go by, and does not sound like it helps the needy feeling you have.

This is a Dom subject, as in a meta conversation for subs to have with their Doms. Nobody has mind reading skills, so often a Dom can help the situation, but they have to know how a sub is feeling, what makes them feel that way.
I enjoyed your perspective.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 18, 2022

Like the OP, the term "neediness," does not evoke a warm, fuzzy feeling in me. i've never thought or put in a profile or ad: "needy person," as one of my l wants/needs. To me, there's a difference from having wants/needs and being needy? As i think about it, to me "needy" is when ones wants or needs become all consuming, or at least throw mutual consideration out of balance? idk, thinking out loud, i don't think this has a black or white or easy answer.

Anyone who has read my posts, blogs or profile/s, knows i am a big proponent of symbiosis based in compatibility. I.e., Each persons need/want naturally meets the others. Simple example: i'm a total bottom, so i know it doesn't make sense to enter a romantic relationship with another bottom. On the other hand, a Total Top meets that need just by being Their self, and vice versa. i know, that's an over simplification, just making a point and giving an example.

i think a lot (not all) of neediness results from unfulfilled needs/wants because of incompatibility. The reason i bring this up is because i do not believe a quid pro quo arrangement is healthy or sustainable when it comes to our needs.

To me, neediness needs to be traced back to the need/s from which it derives. E.g., is the need for more time, or is the need for what happens in the time spent together? We can spend a ton of time with someone who we don't have symbiosis with and still come away "needy." i think we can also spend time with someone who really fills our spaces and that can evoke a voracious appetite for more and need becomes greed. Not saying this is the case here, just speaking in general terms.

There's something about the term "needy" that conjures up negative images of a toddler throwing a tantrum. I. e, "needy" can also be selfish, immature.

Again, not saying any of this applies to the OP, just throwing this into the conversation mix.