Zelia
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2 years ago •
May 15, 2022
It sounds like You’re both just finding Your way in the lifestyle and learning together which is an exciting place to be. There’s so much ground work to do, even between two people who have years of experience it takes time.
It sounds like You have some nice structure and protocols set up that will ease hr daily life and ensure she is successful with her studies, that’s great. It sounds like You’re unsure of how to move forward sexually. I’d suggest exploring her limits, and things she is interested in experimenting with. Google, ‘BDSM Latches Checklist’ if You’d like a fairly comprehensive list of kinks. You could task her to look through the list and identify her limits for You and indicate things she would like to try. This is going to be a process. You can’t just jump in and take control, expecting her to engage in ways that are completely unfamiliar to her without knowing her limits and interests. I’d also suggest You find some good quality BDMS educational blogs (not from here) for her to follow, that You can discuss together to help You both learn. You’re building the foundations, good foundations take time. Good luck. |
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Online now
Literate Lycan(dom male)
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2 years ago •
May 15, 2022
First, kudos to you reaching out and asking the community for advice and assistance. Although you may be internally driven to being Dominant and she submissive, quite often a great deal of the dynamic D/s relationship involves research, learning and growth. We grow into it. I cannot recall through the discussion above whether you indicate her age, but it feels quite young and inexperienced (like 1
 . And as a virgin who isn't comfortable masturbating, she has a long way to go. You willingly indicate you are inexperienced, so I recommend you find a mentor in the community. There are several very active and intelligent Dominants who would willingly interact.
Before asking for ideas on what you can have her do, learn more about being Dominant and what you want from the situation ultimately and she needs to learn more about submission and what she wants from it. If you just want sex, that's all you're going to focus on. Regarding discipline, what is the outcome you hope to gain from it. Is it just a kinky game? Or is it real? Different outcomes come from different inputs. You didn't indicate safety but you did indicate she is tying herself up while you two talk, so I'll just say it. Before you delve too deep into any activities, such as her tying herself up while you are regaling her with your sexual chatting, I'd make sure she's following rules of safety. The lifestyle is not dangerous, but some activities can be. If you two are already being safe, great! But I will be responsible and I'll say it, "Make sure she has safety scissors available, etc" since you aren't there to untie her. For any activities you are doing, be aware of the repercussions. Including Sub Drop should you two have a very in-depth session. I'd recommend talking more about what you both might be into and follow the advice already given above. But if you're having her read something, you read it too. Or first. And then read about being Dominant for you. And get a mentor. Or talk to other Dominants and ask questions. Go through the list of activities and discuss what you want, what she wants, and what will benefit the relationship. Is she into this just for the interest in the sex and kink? Sounds like you both are interested in the prospect and possibly fantasy, which isn't bad. But it takes a good deal of work to actually make it work. Good luck. |
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slaveMikayla(sub female){MstrJ }
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2 years ago •
May 15, 2022
MissBonnie and LL have done a great job. Though I'd say it could also help getting her to be involved in a community of submissives too. The first clear point which both hit on and is unclear: are you looking just for kinky fun or for a lifestyle relationship? Different ends different roads, all valid.
My inbox and MstrJ's are always open to either or both of you. |
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House Talion(dom male)
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2 years ago •
May 15, 2022
If she's unwilling to do more while complaining more was wanted, point THAT out to her.
I'd bind her to the bed n finger her till she cums, then see if she wants more. |
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Sub Serve(sub male)
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2 years ago •
May 15, 2022
Classy, great advice from the previous responses. It’s definitely a two-way street and expectations from both should be just that. As far as opening her up to exploring more kinkier things while also maintaining and respecting her virginity, try giving her tasks that involve sexier things like, touching herself and having to text you what she did, not wearing panties out of the house and writing you a short brief on how she felt. Those things will naturally lead to a better understanding of her and your interests as well allow the relationship to naturally flow.
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MissBonnie(dom female){oz}
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2 years ago •
May 16, 2022
rieunleashed wrote: I think what Miss Bonnie was suggesting is that you TAKE CONTROL. Stop asking. Stop suggesting. Just tell her. Take the reins and take control. This is what D/s is. ...snip
Hmm NO! that is not what I was saying AT ALL. My suggestion was to re establish MUTUAL CONSENT via negotiation on just what is wanted from BOTH sides of the preverbal whip. Force without consent is abuse and can even be deemed as raped in some situations. I said "flat out ask her what she was expecting"...NOT "flat out just make her " HUGE difference. |
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fluffypoppet(sub female){Protected}
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2 years ago •
May 16, 2022
TheTempest wrote: You might suggest she reads some of the “Submissive Primer” series by Elizabeth Cramer. I’m sure there are other books about getting in tune with your sexuality. Maybe someone can recommend one? You said she is not comfortable touching herself. Is there the possibility she has suffered some trauma or was raised in a very religious home? Good luck to you. Sounds like a tough situation.
I’m also very new, but I’ve been fortunate to have some awesome recommendations come my way. Ruby Rare’s Sex Ed: A guide for adults has been an excellent read. She addresses the discomfort many people feel exploring sexually and encourages self reflection and exploration. She also recommends activities to get more comfortable with your body. - Looking at yourself - Non sexual touching to get to know your body - Giving yourself permission to think and do things My d-type also suggested I get to know other submissives to better understand how dynamics work and so that I have someone to talk to about things he isn’t as familiar with. Do you think that might help her? |
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I'mME
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2 years ago •
May 16, 2022
Depending on how she feels, what y'all negotiate, start giving her an assignment every day, like send me a picture of your lips, eyes. Get her used to your request and used to her body. ,Maybe you could request that she masturbate on her own, play around with it.
things like that for a young lady with no experience. classyMale wrote: MissBonnie wrote: rieunleashed wrote: A lot of people mistake "submissive" with doing nothing. This is absolutely not the case. You should inform her that this is a two-way street where she has responsibilities to uphold her side of the equation.
I 100% agree with the above. when reading your post, the first thing that sprang to my mind was ...what do YOU want from each scene? it goes both ways. Who is the Dominant here! You also need to get something out of submissive. It is called a power exchange for a reason. Also you mention being told, "I was expecting more" I'd just flat out ask her what is she expecting? Your not a mind reader! Dom/mes are good but we are only human when all is said and done. You can be the best Dom in the world but if the submissive doesn't share enough with you, you can end up being the worst. We simply cannot mind read (gawd damn it. Wish we could LOL) Sit back down and re talk about your expectations and re negotiate what you BOTH want and expect. There is nothing wrong with going back to the beginning and re adjusting. if she cant express just what she wants, how can you give it to her? if she has difficulty in expressing things like this in a first party situation, could she maybe express herself in a story telling/ Scene building situation. For example you begin a written story and she then adds a few lines, then you and so forth until finished. Together you build the story. These can later be used as scene ideas. This can give you insight into what she wants and desires. This also gives her the same of you. It can also be a fun and hot way to "play" without "playing" Doesn't take a lot of time either and should distract from what you do have in place. Another variation of this is ask her to send you images she likes and ask her to explain why she likes the images and HOW she perceives they got to point in the image. Both of these methods are used in sex therapy for when one party cannot verbalize needs or desires. I appreciate the detail very much! We have a great relationship and she's let me know that she's very interested in this. We've gone through our "checklists" to see what else she would be interested in, and gone through our contract multiple times. I feel like we need to have one of them "come to Jesus meetings" so to speak even though we've had a couple of these already due to a real life issue in my personal life kind of killed my mood for about a month. |
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| classyMale |
2 years ago •
May 16, 2022
The past couple of days since I've joined this group I have received an immense amount of response and I am greatly appreciated to it. As someone who has the "alphamale complex" in the gym especially, it's easy for me at times to turn that mode on. But, learning about this lifestyle and all that is involved in it has been intriguing, confusing, and every other word you could use to describe the scene.
As someone has mentioned about safety, keep in mind since we are in a relationship outside of the BDSM "kink/lifestyle" we've chosen to start learning about, her safety and care is my utmost importance. I try to have safety protocols in place before punishments are given. We are learning, and with all the information i've received I have talked with her about reading articles together. I've put a lot of research into this, and I'm not sure if she has or not. I know she's looked a lot into shibari and safe choking, but i don't know if she fully understands what being submissive really means. This community is exactly what i needed! |
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I'mME
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2 years ago •
May 16, 2022
Is this your humor? Obviously I don't know you, so that is why I am asking.
House Talion wrote: If she's unwilling to do more while complaining more was wanted, point THAT out to her.
I'd bind her to the bed n finger her till she cums, then see if she wants more. |
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