Could you give it up?

alawey(sub female){(OWNED BY }

2 years ago • Jun 30, 2022

From what I just read in the replies .. I think my point was missed or not understood., for example....

UTSA wrote
"I am sure there are others who just enjoy "the lifestyle" and perhaps don't "need" it, but that is not me"

Let me explain that atleast for me BDSM IS NOT A CHOICE IT IS A WAY OF LIFE.
I stated in my reply that even without play ( whip, chains, cuffs , ect) myself would've my Dom . And the is the honest truth , his say is fanil when we are deciding on things but we talk it out and he thinks on what I have to say ( maybe)before making up his mind .

We do the everyday regular life stuff that many would thing of as vanilla * bills, family, work, ect)but his eing my Dom is still there.

But I NEED the safety, looking after, ect that comes from his being a Dom.
Does that make more sense??

**ps .... to me those that enjoy it but dont need it are more along the lines of bedroom doms/subs

Miki(masochist female)

2 years ago • Jun 30, 2022

Secret Mind wrote:

I'll get plenty of hate for this but I don't give a damn. Honestly, I could give it all up. In fact, I'd do it in a heartbeat to be with the one I love. No questions asked.

I would toss all this away. Kink, BDSM, all 10+ years of it. People act like BDSM is their only lifeline. As if it's the only way to live. But for me, it means nothing compared to what I can have in life.

No "hate" here, buddy! It takes a lot to either give up (or take on, for that matter) BDSM for the love of someone very important. It's all up to the individual. Some can, others cannot.

This is hardly the first time this topic has come up on the forums as it's definitely neither unique nor even rare.

There comes a time in a lot of lives that one meets a special someone who really rings their bell but is not into this shit (or the other way around) and all too often, forcing oneself to act or be something they're not rises up to bite either or both in the ass sooner or later.

But every now and then comes someone like you for whom the "true love" feelings outweigh the desire for a BDSM dynamic... And if you can make that work over the long haul, that's great!

But again, for those who cannot give this shit up--- or, conversely, those who are "vanilla" who cannot take it up for the love of another --- there's nothing at all wrong with that, and the key to avoiding bad-ends is early communication and honesty.

Steellover(sub male)

2 years ago • Jul 1, 2022

This is what I am hoping for myself.

Part of it is, the odds of me meeting my dream domme who "Checks all the boxes" so to speak- attraction, chemistry, relationship goals, dynamic, and so on- are, well, they aren't not too good. Lets be honest, this is true for most males who identify as "Submissive." The numbers just aren't in your favor, particularly if you live outside of a major metropolitan area. Paying for a professional to satisfy those cravings will work for the short term, but in the long term, it is a dead end, relationship wise, as the professional ultimately sees you as nothing more than a "Client" and ultimately as a cash cow. I know from experience, because I tried that route.

So I feel like it is a stark choice- find someone who may not be "kinky" like me but with whom I can share a mutual love and affection, or be lonely and desperate forever. Other people, male doms, female subs, and even female dommes, are far less likely to face such a choice simply because of the way the demographics break down. I don't want to pretend that it will be easy to keep it buried forever, but I think Miki above said it well, that there are times when true love can outweigh the desire for BDSM, and focus on that. After all, we are, all of us, complex individuals, all so much more than just a sum of sexual kinks and desires.

Atila(sub female)

2 years ago • Jul 1, 2022

Secret Mind wrote:

Why would anyone throw you hate? It's how you feel. We just might disagree. I think there must be a middle point. Maybe you are into more hardcore stuff, but you can talk it over with your vanilla partner. Really, most people like a little kink, no matter how vanilla they are. It's good that you are willing to give it up, but I don't think it's necessary. Not completely.

DaddyXX

2 years ago • Jul 1, 2022

from someone who has been involved for over 40 years...I am convinced .'once in..never out..for long'..and...to answer another question..I have personally observed women and men....who were married vanilla..discovering who they really are..and changing their lives to pursue a new life in bdsm..leaving their family .thankfully..the 'lifestyle' is almost mainstream now and there for all to see and 'sample' easily..previously it was mostly undergropund and took effort to find it..

Adinesidhe

2 years ago • Jul 1, 2022

If the man I loved had my heart and I had his, then I could easily just walk away.

Thats not to say I wouldn't have my kinks. I would always want to be tied up and under control. Its just after almost 9 years in the lifestyle I've become pretty jaded. I figure, that if I can go this long without those desires being met, then I could go the rest of my life in a vanilla relationship.

There isn't much I wouldn't change or give up for someone I love. I'm pretty darn sure I could handle my fantasies just staying fantasies in that instance.

LilMissB(masochist female){Tradesman}

2 years ago • Jul 1, 2022

I was in a LTR for 6 years with someone who was completely vanilla... It was a side of me I kept hidden for a very long time before I talked to him about it. I tried to ease him into the lifestyle as best as I could. But it just wasn't for him. He hated it and so I hid that part away for another year or so... it was so hard when I had needs that weren't being met... I wasn't fulfilled, happy, or satisfied.

new Luna(sub female)

2 years ago • Jul 2, 2022

Re: Could you give it up?

2 years ago • Jul 2, 2022

primerose wrote:

Has anyone fallen in love with someone who was not in the lifestyle and did not identify as sub or dom- did you give it up? Could you?

Or did anyone discover the lifestyle while already in a long term relationship with a vanilla partner?

I just wonder how many people can pick up and put down the lifestyle. Curious if people feel they can live a full life without it.

Would you even try? For me, I could definitely do (edit) occasional bedroom only. But I feel i may be the exception to the rule.

I did give it up for 28 years to a vanilla relationship. I truly fell in love with the man. I tried several times to introduce him to some of my kinks. He played a little which was semi satisfying as I always had to be the instigator where I like a Dom in the bedroom and he was not. It was an OK life, but emotionally and sexually a piece of me had been missing. Now we are no longer together I have returned to BDSM and am looking for a Dom to finally feel complete once and for all. It's not easy, do able for love, but you will NEVER feel complete no matter how much you love them. At least that was my experience

Sasa(dom female)

2 years ago • Jul 2, 2022

I was in a long-term Vanilla relationship, a very long and good one until I talked about my needs ... We can't cut our wings, this grows again, and not only the sex unfulfilling. I tried to be open, but he wasn't only into it, but judgemental. I need the bond to the person, the stage of openness and love I only had in the lifestyle. I'm kinky all my life, suppressing my own needs wasn't working, and not healthy.

primerose

2 years ago • Jul 2, 2022

I am sure that having experience trying to bury your desires gives clarity to the importance of doing what is best for you. There's a lot of opportunity for shame in pretending to be something you're not. That definitely doesnt seem worth it.

ursa wrote:

Obviously everyone has their own answers to this question, but it is one that I am curious about, too.

Steellover wrote:

I would like to believe that I could. As male who identifies as submissive, and is not currently in a relationship, I want to believe that I could, for her sake. To please the one I love, to give her the love that she wants and needs. And I would be absolutely willing to put aside my kinks for her, keep it buried inside, and focus on the romantic side of being together. You know, sharing our lives, experiences, romance, cuddles and intimacy, like normal vanilla couples do. Of course I would want to give it up for that.

This response gave me pause.

I used to be very much in the same vein of thinking - to please the one I love, I could give it up, for their sake. I used to think that love would trump all of the differences and keep me satisfied and fulfilled. I would do anything for love. I thought that I could just keep all of those desires buried - not talk about them, not acknowledge them. So that is what I did. I tried very hard to deny that part of me for many years.

My vanilla love is still one of the greatest, most profound and beautiful experiences I have ever had. I wouldn't trade those years for the world.
But, all that time later, I can't say I stopped having my kinky desires. They were still there, just bubbling under the surface. I began to feel more shame associated with my kinks and fetishes, like it was wrong that I wasn't satisfied with my perfect, loving relationship, it was wrong that I desired what I desired. This experience caused a lot of inner conflict that was tough on me personally and eventually bubbled over into my relationships.

As MissBonnie said,

MissBonnie wrote:

True Fetishism (in the book definition) doesn't just go away. "sex" doesn't happen without the fetish being fed. I have Fetishes not just kinks or preferences. I found I always tried to incorporate it in some sense (into vanilla relationships) and it caused "issues" that always compounded into "major" issues. Some one always got hurt in some form or another.

I don't have the experience to define what my kinks are vs my Fetishes, but I know that there are things that I *need.* If they are not present in a relationship or sexual encounter, I will find ways to pretend that there is a dynamic at play, or I will eventually figure out some way to try and satisfy my desires while still maintaining my vanilla relationship. As many of you can probably guess, this caused even more problems in the relationship that I was so desperate to have.

For me, I need BDSM. I also need love, and I want the things that come with a vanilla relationship.
It took me awhile, but I can now say with confidence that BDSM is a need. It is not something that I can bury indefinitely or something that I can pretend I am happy without experiencing in my life. I am sure there are others who just enjoy "the lifestyle" and perhaps don't "need" it, but that is not me. This is a part of me that is inherent and denying it brought a lot of emotional pain and suffering.

If you want to try and live without it, that's up to you. But I couldn't.