Rules for fighting

Rules for fighting

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 26, 2022

Good morning Cageites!!!

As the relationships withon BDSM can carry a power imbalance, how do you fight fair?

What are your rules for fighting?

How do you handle an impasse?

Sportsgirl55​(sub female) • Aug 26, 2022

In my opinion, there should be enough respect and trust between both parties that fighting fair does not have to be an issue.

However, I can and have seen and felt the dilemma where as a submissive, is it my place to question or stand up for something I feel is wrong.

I think that is where safewords can play a part outside of the playroom or a scene. If there is something that needs to be discussed as equals and not within the power exchange then safewords are a great way to clue a partner into the fact that there is an issue that needs to be discussed.

Just my thoughts.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Aug 26, 2022

Just because we are kinky doesn't mean we loose our humanity. You handle it the same way you would handle a vanilla disagreement, with respect for the other person's feelings. No feeling is "wrong". Each person is entitled to FEEL how they want. Stick to the issue and do not bash the person, their feelings or their opinions.

Pragmaticdom​(dom male){Princessli} • Aug 26, 2022

This is a great question,

I agree with sportsgirl55, a safeword is a fantastic way to create a safe atmosphere to hopefully have a constructive conversation. I also think it's helpful to communicate with each other about how each of you personally argue before the need arises. That way rules can be created ahead of time to ensure things stay productive, and so you can proactively create steps to mitigate the things that could cause the Dom to want to take control of the conversation, or make the sub feel unheard. For example a previous sub of mine was a bottler when it came to her emotions, so little things would bug her until she exploded into a flurry of curse filed rants on all the things she's been holding in. This made me feel disrespected and blindsided. in turn I felt like turning back into her Dom to reign her in though I knew that would have only made things worse. So as a solution, she was assigned to write a journal entry about her day and go over it with me. This helped her address her feelings better, and allowed us to have conversations about what was bugging her before she felt the need to explode, allowing us to have an argument/discussion as equals.

My personal rules for Arguments are: no inflammatory comments used to hurt or anger the other is allowed. No putting hands on the other. the conversion must be centered around fixing the problem at hand. I cannot use my position as the Dom to win the argument. And either party can decide the argument has become unproductive and put it on hold to allow each party to come back to the conversation more calm and more prepared.

Traversing an impasse is more of a case by case basis depending on what each parties limits r for the relationship. But generally my relationships have been run on the basis that her needs (to a limit of course) supercede mine, but my wants (to a limit) supercede her's.

Hope that helps!

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Aug 27, 2022

Great question. My initial thoughts were general in that it depends upon the specifics of the relationship or dynamic. However, I realized you are being specific in asking how do "we" fight fair? So specifically for me, since anyone I will be in a relationship with will be someone I respect, then I also respect their mind and their opinion regardless of our power exchange. I realize that anything they are discussing from a different perspective ultimately has bearing on our dynamic and it's my responsibility to ensure I take heed. And we wind up never fighting during disagreement. I tend to discuss. But that is also part of building the communications skills early, to develop the ability to broach topics without devolving into heated disagreements.

Although I understand where the others are coming from with the use of safe words, I tend to disagree that in conversations you need one. But that might just be the specifics of that particular dynamic and who am I to judge. I envision safe words for specific situations where you need to immediately stop such as a scene or play - which could include an individual being triggered by a conversation, but not necessarily a discussion involving a disagreement. In other words, just because you disagree, you cannot safe word out. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you for the interesting topic!

Zedland​(dom male) • Aug 27, 2022

If you want to fight "fair" then one simple solution is to move any argument onto neutral ground, a place not associated with your dynamic or roles in your relationships. Stepping out of the bedroom as it were. Otherwise listen, ask (carefully) why they feel that way, and don't be afraid of apologizing. To err is human, to be too proud to admit your mistakes is to be an ass.

Beyond that its really hard to offer solid advice without more specifics. Because yes, leaving an argument that is running in circles could be the right thing to do...or it could let the issue fester until its explodes with exponentially greater force. Telling some it is okay to be honest is generally a good approach...until they're screaming that you think they're lying. Being calm and rational...being seen as cold and emotionless.

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 27, 2022

There are "rules", but in any kink dynamic, so-called "vanilla" relationship-- or platonic friendship are well advised to go take a walk or whatever else needed to defuse a situation because 'rules" oft go out the window in arguments.

Not everyone is given to domestic violence, but pissed is pissed, and the only "rule" to remember is for one or both to get the fuck out of Dodge until things cool down. Then talk about the issue.

------------------------

Otherwise, as far as I am concerned, twisted folk are no different from other humans, so one ought apply "rules" and "fair fighting" as they learned them long before getting into this type of relationship, because in an argument of kinks, the D/s shit needs to go to the back burner.