Red flags or just not cut out for it?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2022

When it comes to BDSM activities, especially more extreme ones like choking etc, lots of communication before any play is crucial. Punching you in the face, choking you unconscious, slapping, spitting on you etc without your prior informed consent was assault not kink. I’m a little suspicious that there was something else in that joint too. The fact that he’s trying to excuse what he did because it was “consensual” is maddening. If my Dom were to accidentally harm me (even with an activity that I consented to), he would still feel terrible. How callous to shrug it off the way this guy has done.

Diaaa • Oct 25, 2022

I wasn’t okay with not talking it through but didn’t want to push it and make him uncomfortable if he didn’t like to talk about in a message. I guess I figured he’d talk about it with me in person which didn’t happen

ClassySas​(other agender){N/A} • Oct 25, 2022

🚩 are everywhere with this guy. Him refusing to talk to you about the scene before hand means your physical, emotional, and mental well being aren’t important to him. Neither is consent. Also, talking about health issues are a must when doing this type of play.

RUN. Don’t talk, don’t think on it, don’t walk… Run for your own safety. As a healthcare professional I’m scared for you. And watch because he’ll try and get you back if you go away. When a narcissistic piece of shit looses his toy he’ll step it up and be “nice” to get it back.

He sounds highly manipulative and a sadist that isn’t honest about who he is. Gaslighted you over and over. Making you feel like you’re the one with issues.

Good luck beautiful.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Oct 25, 2022

Let’s hope the penny has dropped for you now.
Speaking as a sexual D-type with sadistic tendencies (who is always a gentleman) I find his behaviour most unsettling AND it gives D-types a bad name.

Fodder for the media, no doubt, if it ever got out.

FC

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 25, 2022

i think, almost ironically, the potential for abuse is greater in kink relationship because on one end there are people who's needs/desires involve domination that uses all sorts of potentially harmful kinks. On the other end of the spectrum are people who's needs/desires involve submission that uses all sorts of potentially harmful kinks.
i think the potential for abuse is greater because of both. i believe a kink relationship requires greater maturity, communication, understanding, caution, ____________, but also brings with it a greater potential for us to connect and bond. It's a delicate and exquisite dance requiring skill, understanding. If it is out of balance, it's sort of like a bull dancing in a china shop.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2022

Leave this relationship now.

You are too quick to take responsibility for his actions. From what you wrote there is nothing about what happened that is in any way your fault or responsibility, or could have been prevented by you even if you had explained yourself in great detail during the moment these things were happening.

In lieu of going through your post item by item I'll say that I hadn't read half of it yet and I already wanted to call the police on your behalf and have this guy arrested for sexual assault and battery. Merely saying that his behavior contains some red flags is generous considering that, absent consent, every single thing that you say he did could be called abusive, and much of it bordered on criminal.

Him using your past experiences is not justification for his choices - it is predatory. Refusing to tell you what he was going to do when he knew you were unprepared was exploiting your inexperience - not complimenting your intelligence.

Drugging you, striking and choking you, beating and bruising you, causing bodily injury, taking dangerous liberties with your health and safety, purposely rendering you unconscious, and refusing to stop when you tell him to. These are acts of assault, sexual and otherwise. And last I heard perpetrating sexual acts against a person against their will (while they are unconscious, for example) is a felony.

Before we get into a discussion about how some of us like some of the activities you describe, how those things are in fact our kinks (and hopefully to avoid plummeting into accusations of shaming) I'll point out that you did not know that these things were going to happen and you had not, nor could you have consented to them.

And just when I thought he had done enough to clearly demonstrate how this was HIS fault and NOT yours, you're saying that he actually spoke the words "I’d feel bad if I didn’t know it was consensual.” Now learn this and remember it - all parties should always be absolutely certain it is consensual before ever engaging in any of the type of activities you described! That ignorant statement alone is all the red flag you need.

Musetta​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2022

I’m so sorry this happened to you Diaaa. It’s a lot to process, and I’m glad you’re getting help with that and learning to set healthy boundaries.
Everyone has said almost everything that occurred to me.
One of the things I’d highlight, FunCouples recommendation that he (not this guy, because eff him, but the next) sit down and say exactly what he wants to do. And you both agree to it, in advance.

The other thing I’d offer, is that I love your sense of accountability. It’s true your boundaries need to better. Yes. But creeps and predators look for people who struggle w/ that.
You know this, but I’m gonna say it anyway. The fact that you struggle w/ boundaries doesn’t absolve the other person from being a decent human being. Sometimes the answer is to look at a person’s behavior and ask, ‘would someone who cares how others feel do this?’ And let that be your answer.

Solace​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2022

Hello Diaaa, This is an...exciting post. You were not treated with the respect and care the community on the cage typically holds as the standard. There are some members on here who do play more...similarly...to yourself but I get the sense they have demonstrated trust with their partner and experience in the community. It would be unwise for you to take that route until you come to find if that is or is not your preference.

That being said, lets go over what you should expect and how to protect yourself.

1.) Honesty and trust, the free exchange of communications and opportunity to question.
You should be aware of a new experience before it happens, you should be educated on it, you should be given the opportunity to consent. Many of the things which happened to you, were not consensual because you were not aware of them, about them, or were informed about the experiment. For example, I doubt its your kink to be struck so hard across the face your tooth falls out, your jaw is dislocated, and you have facial bruising to hide. Nor is likely that your kink is dry, painful anal sex, that could lead to damage and health complications. I could go on, but I believe you can follow this train of thought yourself.

2.) Safety. The ability to protect yourself, and the knowledge of being protected.
Some kinks, are simply not safe by nature, i.e. aggressive breath play. It is the Doms responsibility to protect you, and it is your responsibility to know you are being kept safe. It is his responsibility to enable you communicate unsafe conditions and yours to communicate them, at all times for both of you. Example, You should always be able without judgement to use a safe word. There should always be a safe word. When safe words cannot be used, a safe action is required and must always be available. Your Dom needs to know the dangers of a type of play to avoid them, and you need to know them so you can exorcise your safe word before damage or harm is done. Never, hesitate to your safe word or, as some dynamics have developed a red light and a yellow light. Stop, or slow down.

3.) Respect. Even in degredee dynamics, the sub is respected.
You are a human being with limits. Things you will not do. Things you do not want to do. Mental health. Physical health. You were seriously harmed in your dynamic. Multiple times. From the words I heard, it also sounds like your emotions and concerns were brushed aside. That is not acceptable. This is a consent based community. Submission is a gift from a sub to a Dom. The sub is the most powerful partner in a dynamic not the Dom. The sub can and should walk away at anytime the Dom has not earned their trust, respect and submission which they must earn on a regular basis through consistent action. Did your "dom" earn and have these things? Hot sex does not count.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 25, 2022

i appreciate and think this is a great insight ClassyKitty.

So much about D/s, BDSM, can be confusing, especially when we are new to exploring these traditionally taboo needs/desires. Not only do we have no 'norm' to guide us, the normative culture conditions against who we are. my own wiring has a desire for molding and i have even (cautiously) used the word "grooming" with some i trusted. That word traditionally has a very negative connotation ascribed to predators. It changes where communication and consent are involved.

Since you seem to look for "clear and concise," here are two i think are helpful. Communication is absolutely vital. Consent is absolutely vital. i also do not believe you can have consent without communication.

As others have pointed out, when you tried to initiate communication prior to interaction, he pointedly avoided communicating:
" I did try and ask him what he had in mind because I wanted to talk about what to expect so I could prepare myself but he said he didn’t like messaging and would rather show me."

his avoiding communication also sidesteps consent. One cannot give consent retroactively. For instance, you did not consent for him to hit you in the face so hard and knock your tooth out, it "shocked" you.

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2022

Even from a Dominant's point of view, this was a sea of red flags, so many it's hard to even begin.

ANYBODY that says he doesn't need to communicate in advance should be avoided like the plague. I agree with basically everybody else, you were abused and then try to absorb some of the blame yourself. When in a scene a Dom should ALWAYS, repeat ALWAYS be looking out for the safety of his sub because a lot of times she might be "out of it" Out of it does NOT give you permission to keep going, that's when a Dom shines and protects his sub. I always assume I am taking care of 2 people, not just me.

To be honest, reading your initial post makes me want to find this dude and teach him a lesson on what it feels like to be a sub that's getting abused.

Which would be the first time in my life that I would have ever wanted to ignore safewords.